...to be annoyed baby is being ignored?!

(20 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Sun 21-Feb-16 20:34:25

So I need to vent here because if I don't, I will only end up messaging my ex and that's never a good thing...

We split up when I was 20 weeks pregnant (on the day of my second scan actually) and I'll be 27 weeks, this week. He is in a new relationship.

I am accepting that now (difficult as it may be) but what I am finding REALLY hard to come to terms with, is his seemingly utter lack of caring for his unborn baby!

I know she is not here yet so it's difficult to pre-judge and things may be different when she is... but he never asks how she is, never checks on her appointments, she might as well not exist to him now?! He didn't even know where the scan pictures were when I asked him the other day!

We have an older daughter, who he dotes on but this never prompts questions about his unborn.

He came to see DD today (I went out and left them to it) and my house is full of baby bits, he delivered me a knitted blanket from his own Aunty, he will have seen the moses basket upstairs and the midwife apt pinned to the freezer as he made DD her tea but not once did he ask "how did the appt go?"..."is the baby OK?"

Now to leave me pregnant and get with someone else, fine, I will handle that part...but to not seem interested at all in the wellbeing of his growing child has me totally taken by surprise!

I genuinely thought baby he would still care about! AIBU or is this a warning sign, of sorts, for the future?! Might he never be bothered with her?! How can you care about one and not even query another?! =/

CooPie10 Sun 21-Feb-16 20:37:04

Yanbu what an utter shit to leave you mid pregnancy and jump into a new relationship. Shame on him. Maybe he will be more interested once she is here. In the mean time try not to give this loser more headspace. thanks

scandichick Sun 21-Feb-16 20:39:59

Could it be guilt? It's pretty low to leave your pregnant partner for someone else, so maybe he's pretending it's not happening. Not parent of the year material, that one.

NinaSimoneful Sun 21-Feb-16 20:41:30

flowers
I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice but I can empathise. 'D'H doesn't seem to give a crap about DC2 either. sad

Try to surround yourself with people who do care and be glad you're shot of him.

ollieplimsoles Sun 21-Feb-16 20:42:49

Sounds like an absolute arsehole, lowest of the low imo.

Who gives a shit if he isn't bothered about your unborn baby, he's doing her a favour by the sounds of it.

Diggum Sun 21-Feb-16 20:49:36

Well, from a completely different viewpoint, my current lovely DH isn't that interested in our expected DC2.

For him I think it all becomes real once the baby is born. Then he's totally hands on. Just a bit removed from the pregnancy part.

So your ex may step up when the baby is born.

Having said all that- what an absolute bastard to leave you when you're pregnant and hop right into a new relationship! Twunt.

MerryInthechelseahotel Sun 21-Feb-16 20:51:27

I see your problem op as he dotes on his dd. This will cause all kinds of upset in the future. It is not as simple as Who gives a shit if he isn't bothered about your unborn baby, he's doing her a favour by the sounds of it

IamlovedbyG Sun 21-Feb-16 20:52:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

clashofclanswidow Sun 21-Feb-16 20:56:42

I think that's why I'm a bit taken aback by it because I hope this doesn't mean he's going to start avoiding our eldest girl soon enough as well. I'm just so surprised by his behaviour lately - how can you ignore something that is staring you in the face?!

Or maybe he's just going with no news is good news but I would've still thought he'd at least check.

I know I shouldn't dwell on it but yes, it is just worry for the future I suppose - to see if he will stick around and help or bail.

RaniyaF Sun 21-Feb-16 20:56:48

He is lower and grimier than the gum on the bottom of my shoe.

(But IME DPs often find baby bumps a bit abstract - and only really get into their stride with older babies. )

Meloncoley2 Sun 21-Feb-16 21:06:24

I think men often bond better with their children once they are 'here' TBH. It's not going to be easy for either of you, but it may come good if he develops a relationship with DC2.

ollieplimsoles Sun 21-Feb-16 21:34:36

I still stand by what I said.

Italiangreyhound Sun 21-Feb-16 21:36:49

YANBU. This sounds awful for you. I hope things will improve.

JuxtapositionRecords Sun 21-Feb-16 21:46:38

He left you for someone else when you are pregnant - I don't think it is that surprising that he isn't interested in the baby. He sounds incredibly selfish.

You have been amazingly strong to get through him leaving. Don't let this get to you, you have enough to think about without getting worked up over this. Perhaps he hasn't registered the baby as 'real' yet, perhaps he will step up when she is born. Whatever happens just focus on you and your 2 girls. flowers

clashofclanswidow Tue 08-Mar-16 19:33:52

Didn't want to make a new thread but more venting required! This is still annoying me and the other day he messaged me to ask me for my MATB1 form so he can claim his Paternity Leave?!

Again, I am not trying to jump the gun...sadly I don't have a crystal ball and he might be very "useful" during the two weeks he is off....but it winds me up he can just expect to be entitled to this still but not even ask how baby is - it's a quick bloody question! Makes me sick!!

Even when I said I could get it for him soon, he never asked about midwife appts or anything.

Now even if he is crap with the baby, I would expect him to use his time off to support our toddler but if he thinks he's just getting some free additional annual leave, I'll be vexed!

The sad thing is because I am better off without him now anyway that I have no interest in what he does/he will think I have no right to tell him either...but if he just using her for a holiday - I'll be even more disgusted than I already am! Grrrr

quietbatperson Tue 08-Mar-16 20:34:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggi999 Tue 08-Mar-16 21:03:48

On what basis can he claim paternity leave? Is he going to be at your house helping with the lo for two weeks? I mean, if you want him to do that that's fine and dandy but he isn't entitled to be off unless it's to care for the child.

clashofclanswidow Tue 08-Mar-16 23:02:49

This is why it has really wound me up Iggi, as recent actions would suggest he just wants the extra time off...but I just don't know what's gonna happen when she's here.

I already asked him if he was even allowed to take it and he just said his employer is happy to allow it still (they know we are no longer together)

I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place as damned right he shouldn't have it if he's abusing the right to take it but if I say that to him now, he's more likely to take the p*ss with it and not bother with her anyway (if that wasn't already his intention)

I'm just so ANNOYED with him! 6 years and I thought I knew him better!!!

gamerchick Tue 08-Mar-16 23:05:54

Tell him to knob off.

tinyterrors Wed 09-Mar-16 09:48:16

From the way he's behaving now it's highly unlikely he'll use paternity leave to help you. If you think you'll be able to manage without him I'd refuse to give him the matb1.

How was he when you were pregnant with your eldest dd? My dh didn't really see our dcs as babies until they were actually here and were tangible people, once they were born he was fantastic.

If your ex wasn't baby focused last time around I'd maybe give him the benefit of doubt that he sees the baby in the abstract and will step up once she's born. If he was completely different then don't give him the form for paternity leave, it's supposed to be to help you and the baby not an extra holiday.

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