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To think that infertility may have killed my marriage?

(82 Posts)
Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 22:09:16

The long and the short of it is that we've been ttc for 6 years. No joy.

Tonight DH has behaved a bit childishly, so have I. Arguing for the sake of arguing really. He has gone to bed. I am up alone, and I don't care that we've argued. I don't care that it's all going wrong. This isn't the life I wanted so I don't care that it's all going tits up around me.

The life I wanted revolved around babies, family. I'm not even sure that I love Dh anymore. Has my thought pattern got skewed by not being able to have a family? Or do I need to think about moving on alone?

Has anyone else gone through this infertility nightmare? Did your marriage survive? Aibu to think that if I don't care anymore and i'm not sure if I even love him, then that's enough of an answer, or is it the grief talking?

DamascusTwelve Fri 19-Feb-16 22:22:10

Without knowwing your situation, it is clear that the stress of infertility has affected your relationship - whether it is right to want to split up or not, it's hard to know.

Would you ultimately be happier alone, or with another partner without children? Do you know the root cause of the infertility?

Lightbulbon Fri 19-Feb-16 22:24:05

If I wanted DCs I wouldn't stay with a partner who was infertile.

I'm not surprised it breaks relationships.

Cookingongas Fri 19-Feb-16 22:29:04

I haven't been through it- but I have seen friends marriages ruined by the horrific battle that infertility makes of a marriage. They split not because one didn't want an infertile partner- but because of the toll that ttc for so long and the stress/medical intervention/societal pressure that put on them.

Much the same as many couples who lose a child split. It's too much.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 22:33:15

The cause of infertility is me, not him.

He is not desperate for children in the same way that I am. I am as confident as I can be that he would not leave me to have children with another woman. Were the situation reversed I'm not sure I could say the same anymore.

I told him that I probably couldn't have children on our 3rd date. He has always known how important it is to me so we have tried. We've been together for 9 years.

I'm not sure if I'd be happier alone. Life would be more peaceful though. My Dh is the loud, opinionated type. I just feel I've come to the end of the road with this situation.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 19-Feb-16 22:39:15

ive been ttc for 10yrs with 2 diff men, as dh died 5years ago

it does put a strain on your relationship, we do rgue at times but doesnt mean we dont love each other

but if you love each you will get through this together but it is bloody tough, esp as everyone around me just gets preg easily

you obv want children, why cant you have them?

Im unexplained fertility, as in i should but dont sad

have you tried ivf? we have done 3 private cycles and have failed 3 times

would you look into adoption/donor eggs/surrogates

happy to talk via message if you want to?

Osirus Fri 19-Feb-16 22:44:30

Is fertility treatment at option? I know people who have gone through treatment, had a child and still split up afterwards due to the stress is causes. Fertility treatment is stressful even when it has been successful, as there are so many feelings you don't expect that appear later.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 22:48:40

I have a myriad of reproductive ishoos sad

On the plus side I am in rude health generally. As is Dh. Dh is also hyper fertile according to SA results. Sorry to hear about your first husband blondes that kind of puts it all into perspective.

I would like to foster. Adoption is Dh's first choice. I just don't see how we proceed either way with our relationship like this. I think it's grief personally (on my part) It's just so hard to grieve for someone that you never even met. Who was never even conceived.

Only1scoop Fri 19-Feb-16 22:49:04

Are you currently going through any fertility treatment Op?

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 19-Feb-16 22:55:22

fostering is hard as you get attached and they go to their new parents

great dh is happy to consider adoption smile

go to a meeting to get basic details if you feel this is the path you want to travel

thanks about dh x

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 22:55:30

osirus treatment is not an option for me, not when it's all already so hard. I truly believe that reproductive treatment is an amazing thing and am massively grateful for the option. I'm also glad that other women can do it and I know those that have had IVF and have lovely families. But it's not for me. I've got as far as being booked in for my first round and had to cancel. It just doesn't feel right.
I struggle with being judged for that choice. My own parents have said that "I obviously don't want it enough then". But it's not about that. I want it more than I can explain.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 19-Feb-16 22:55:59

I'm sorry for your situation. 6 years is so long and it must be hard to keep going. Have you talked together about what you might do if you can't conceive? How long will you carry on for? Do you have the same opinions about other options, such as adoption?

I am not surprised you are stressed and relations are strained. It must take over your life. The main thing that will keep you together is talking about it and trying to have a common aim. Sometimes one person wants to stop ttc but does not want to say so. This happened with two of my friends. When the DP (both cases, husband) admitted to this and they finally spoke honestly, they were able to come to terms with it and have moved on since. Both friends now have happier relationships with their DHs and have found happiness in other things. This is what they tell me - I am sure it is difficult still, of course.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me and I feel I would have a different focus in my life if we hadn't been able to have DC - travel, work, hobbies. But I am not you - I was a bit uncertain about having kids and it wasn't everything to me.

GigiB Fri 19-Feb-16 22:56:02

Have you been to a see someone to talk through your fertility issues? Its a huge undertaking and the drugs are so powerful it might be good to talk to someone, just so you can check its how you are feeling and not the emotional rollercoaster being set off by hormones you have to take or the infertility itself causing you to feel it. He clearly loves you to pieces.
I only say this because I took fertility drugs, I was so determined to stay strong that I didn't realise how they'd affected me emotionally. I didn't let myself deal with the infertility itself, I just kept forging through the plan medically with no thought for my (or my partners) emotional wellbeing. Basically I think there's two sides, medical and emotional and I don't think the UK health system is very good at considering the emotional side.

Only1scoop Fri 19-Feb-16 22:58:14

How does your H feel about fertility treatment?

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 23:03:21

blondes we've met with our la a few times already. Open days for fostering / adoption etc. Fostering worries us for all the obvious reasons. Although for me, I think it would be the making of us. And offer us a silver lining in a funny way (I'd love to think I couldn't be a natural parent because I was far too amazing for that and so nurtured a gazillion foster babies so they turned out doctors/astronauts/presidents) wink

Our la is not accepting new couples for adoption at the minute. We're not really keen to consider an agency for either route as I think they get the more difficult to place children. And as first time, clueless newbies, I'm not sure we could offer the best home. smile

Xmasbaby11 Fri 19-Feb-16 23:03:24

OP, thanks for your update. It is good you and DH are considering other options.

You shouldn't feel bad for rejecting IVF. It is your body.

I believe you can grieve for a life you haven't had, especially for unborn children that you want so much. It sounds like you are not being supported by your family and friends - maybe only talk in detail to those you trust to be non judgmental. You don't have to justify your choices - it's between you and DH.

Do you think you would benefit from some couples counselling? I don't know how fast you would get it on the NHS but there must be infertility specialist counsellors.

Lambzig Fri 19-Feb-16 23:06:30

What you are going through is horrible. It is awful.

DH and I ttc for ten years before having our DC, but we threw every fertility treatment available to get there. I totally understand that isn't right for everyone and I have seen it completely break people. I think deciding treatment isn't for you takes a lot of courage.

I think it did kill a huge part of our marriage. The spontaneity, the joy and a lot of the physical side have gone from us. We adore our DC and we are just going through the exhausting juggling that having them aged 5 and 3 while trying to do up a house and keep our jobs, but there isn't much connection left. On the very rare nights out we have there is something left and I am amazed it's still there, but I guess I just have to hope that it's still there when we have time to work on it. I know I want to.. It's hard and even though we did have our children, I think there are huge echoes of the time we struggled so much that resonate through how we are with each other. It's difficult.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 23:09:52

xmas that's interesting about your friends. I'm not sure I'm in a place to let it go yet.

gigi I've got a list of local counsellors but not made a call yet. I probably should. You're right about hormones though. I'm not taking anything currently and haven't been for 3 cycles. I think I can expect to wait a bit longer before things calm down.

only1scoop gosh what a perceptive question. Made me catch my breath. He thought it was our great white hope. He wanted me to Go for it. In hindsight things probably got tougher when I didn't. He was very supportive of my choice though. At the time.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 19-Feb-16 23:10:27

DH is a social worker for a fostering agency. The children are by and large very troubled. I must admit there are not many stories of children ending up as brain surgeons. It's more like trying to stop them destroying your home / going to prison / using drugs. Foster carers receive training and learn how to deal with the children. And 24 hour social worker on call for the problems (my DH for the next week)! In the case of fostering or adoption, you would be much better prepared than most first time parents because of all the training and assessment, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 23:14:12

lambzig I think that is partly what scares me. The thought that we are already too broken to enjoy it if it ever did happen now. I'm glad that your Dh and you still have that spark. After 10 years you don't need me to tell you how lucky you are.

Duckdeamon Fri 19-Feb-16 23:19:55

Very sorry you're going through all this.

As a PP suggests, perhaps your H is unhappy with your decision not to try IVF. That might be something to discuss at couples' counselling, and counselling for you alone. Some counsellors are specialists in helping people with fertility problems.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 23:22:03

xmas if I'm honest I think fostering would be too much for us right now. Although I day dream about it all the time. It is my career of choice and has been for about 3 years. That's when we first met our la. I wish I could shut these bloody clanging ovaries up.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 19-Feb-16 23:32:36

I should say, the foster carers are amazing and the agency always needs more! I would say it's important to find the right agency to work with as they vary wildly with the amount of support and training they offer.

Leavemethefuckalone Fri 19-Feb-16 23:40:26

duck he won't consider counselling. Blanks the conversation entirely. He thinks it's a great idea for me to go though. (It is)

xmas our la would put us on the training course as soon as we gave them the word. They are that desperate grin I'm fairly sure pursuing that would break us currently.

Rafflesway Fri 19-Feb-16 23:44:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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