To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Brace yourself for hundreds of people who did a Masters while cleaning and having twins.

It depends on the child. DD was high needs and housework was nigh on impossible while I was at home. She also woke at least every two hours (until she was 2 yo).

Has your DH ever had to do a few days on his own with the baby? Because I find that reality only kicks in when they truly understand the horror of no sleep, constant attention and cleaning as well.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

For the record, I did a shit-ton less than you do.

[Rosti1981]

No, YANBU. That sounds like plenty of housework, especially with a 6 month old baby who won't be put down easily and with all the nighttime parenting you are also doing. Has he any idea how hard it can be? I found the first 6 months or so such a relentless difficult slog, the screaming is sooo hard, but around 7/8 months I was struck down with violent food poisoning and my DH had to step up and do all the parenting bar breastfeeds for a 24 hour period. I don't think he had any idea how difficult caring for a baby could be. And the house looked like a bomb had gone off too- so that was without the housework!

[Xmasbaby11]

YANBU. Babies vary so much, and yours will probably get easier as time passes. It used to make me so jealous when people mentioned how much they got done while their baby sat happily gurgling in a bouncer.

It sounds like you are tired and it's not surprising. We could never afford a cleaner (and DH was pretty hands on, but as a result we were both knackered) but if you can, it would help a lot. Since you have so little time to yourself, I definitely think you need a break at the weekend and sod the cleaning.

[Whatdoidohelp]

Leave your husband alone with the baby for a full day. It's the only way to let him see how incredibly difficult it can be with a clingy upset baby.

I don't think yabu. How many hours does he do? 40? How many hours a week are you doing, don't forget to include the night times. Point that out to him aswell.

[SleepyRoo]

What makes your DH such an expert on what's "part of mat leave"? I'm genuinely curious.

[FlowersAndShit]

Sounds tough . Do you think you could leave him cry a bit to eat lunch/get stuff done, If he's safe and knows you are nearby?

[FlowersAndShit]

Oh and your DH sounds like an unsupportive wanker.

[Whyissheontheship]

I think if my DH said to me 'maternity leave was about running a household too' I would probably respond 'when did we agree that, have I just woken up in the 1950's'

However that's probably not that helpful so instead I would probably say something (slightly sarcastically) along the lines of 'oh I am really struggling with this maternity leave thing can you show me how it is done?' And leave the baby with him for a couple of hours and a list of chores and see how he likes it. I think he will probably change his tune quickly.

[Whyissheontheship]

Actually don't write him a list, tell him you expect to come back to a tidy home and a content baby and then you will take his 'advice' about maternity leave

[AliceInHinterland]

1. you sound like you are doing tonnes of cleaning, waaaay more than me anyway!
   
2. you probably wore him in the sling loads because he was clingy, not the other way round
   
3. has your husband ever looked after the baby and tried to get anything at all done? What's he doing while you're cleaning the bathroom etc?

[BillSykesDog]

You call that a 'little' housework? Fuck me, I did less than that with a very easy baby.

What you're asking him to do is completely reasonable. Beyond reasonable.

Tell him to pay for a cleaner or stick it up his arse.

Better still, book yourself into a spa for the weekend, hand over the baby and see how much housework he gets done.

[HalfStar]

Your husband has never actually done any parenting from the sounds of it, so he doesn't get to opine on what maternity leave should or should not involve.

Show him this thread and tell him to get a clue.

[VimFuego101]

I think you should leave your DH with the baby for a day, and see how much he gets done during that time. What you're doing sounds way more than what i did fine to me.

[SeldomAthleticFC]

You do more housework than me and I don't even have a baby!

[icelollycraving]

Every home,every baby & every woman is different.
Will it help if we say what we did?

[midlifehope]

Sounds like you are doing plenty of housework and your dh is being u.

[petalsandstars]

A day? Sounds like he needs a week of full on parenting including nights....

Tenerife is nice this time of year

[randomsabreuse]

Tab crashed! Had long post but in summary:

You're doing loads - if you give any bottles (ebm/formula) plan a day out and leave DH to it - he might get a better idea what you're doing.

Going out is the right idea - if you stay in and get no naps all you have is a grumpy sleep deprived child and the joy of looking at the things you feel you ought to be doing.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, fuck him! And do not get into the habit of doing it all or the lazy git will expect that whilst you work FT, too.

Leave him with the baby. ALL fucking day. Then bitch about how nothing's done.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

You do more housework than me, and more than I did with a baby in the clingy stage. YANBU

[KP86]

It sounds like your house is being well kept already. Better than mine was (or is, even now!). What on earth does DH expect you to do more of?

I agree with others, leave him for just one weekend day with some bottles of milk and see how he goes.

Unfortunately sometimes this backfires because the DP really goes crazy to get everything done, but if it's a few days they soon realise it's not sustainable.

[MrsKoala]

I did a lot less than you. I also had/have high needs babies with reflux and an inability to occupy themselves. Withs DS1 the HV told DH I needed more help and either he did it, or he find someone else to. We got a cleaner. She came once a week for 2-3 hours and it made all the difference (I was doing 3 loads of laundry a day, and dinner and online food shopping and she did the rest).

I know not everyone can afford a cleaner, but perhaps you could you juggle your food budget? Having so many takeaways must add up, could you buy more 'easy' things to cook and spend the takeaway budget on some help?

I am now a SAHM and i do the whole house quickly in 2-3 hours on a weekend when DH takes the dc out and all i do in the week, as before, is lots of laundry and cook easy dinners. If DH is away or something at the weekend and i don't get the time away from the dc then NO cleaning gets done.

[magpie17]

You do more cleaning than me! Let your DH look after the baby for a day or two and see if he manages to do a full clean at the same time.

I have a 7mo DS and generally keep on top of the kitchen (wiping the surfaces and emptying the dishwasher) and laundry most days, that's about it. My priority is the baby (and sorting my cats) as it should be on maternity leave. I always tell my DH 'it's not housework leave you know' and it's not. You made a human and now you have to learn to look after it and nourish it and stimulate it and comfort it. That's what maternity leave is for, just that.

[JapaneseSlipper]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

So often I hear and see these guys who make these grand statements without thinking them through. When should you be getting the housework done? Ask him. Ask him to draw up a schedule for each day. Would he be happy for you to put your baby in its cot and cry for an hour while you did this housework? Maybe you need to ask him that question. If his answer is "yes", then you need to make it very clear that it's never going to happen, so he needs to come up with another solution.

Or is he happy for you to spend all your weekends doing housework? Ask him. Make him think about it and actually say the words, "yes, I think your weekends should be spent doing housework." Ask him when you get a break. If he really, deep down, thinks you don't deserve one, ever, make him say the words. "That's right, I don't think you deserve a break, ever."

Get a cleaner. Really. They don't cost that much. Your husband also needs to look after your baby - not for a day, a whole weekend (minimum). Is this a possibility? (In other words, are you exclusively breastfeeding? As that is the only reason really why he should not be able to step up and do this.)

If he refuses, tell him you won't engage in any further discussion about it, as he simply DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT.