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AIBU?

DD/DSD bank accounts and lack of

35 replies

Beth2511 · 19/02/2016 20:18

I have DD, 15 months and DSD 8 years. Since i was pregnant i have made it clear i feel its really important to have a savings account for any children. DSD had one when younger but her mum emptied it. I have also made it clear to DH that if he wishes to set DSD up a bank account that can pnly be asked once she is 18, like DDs, i will happily put in the same monthly amounts as would my parents to both girls. It was made obvious that ehilst i will happily contribute i am not putting in the leg work to set it up.

Well he never bothered so myself and my parents have been paying in x amount whilst DSD has not got an account and thus no savings. The first annual statement has just come through and its caused an almighty row that DD will have some money whilst DSD nothing. I dont see this as my fault or really my problem to fix, she had one that was emptied and he never botbered to set one up for me to pay into. So now of course im big nasty stepmok who favours DD...

Have i really done something that bad?? I feel like he is responsible and its hisfault:(

OP posts:

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YakTriangle · 19/02/2016 20:20

Tell him he needs to open one in order for anyone to be able to pay into it. He's being ridiculous if he refuses to get off his arse and set it up but then complains her account doesn't exist.

Iggi999 · 19/02/2016 20:21

I don't imagine you could have set one up for your dsd even if you wanted to, could you? Her dad and mum both sound very disorganised.

Ginmakesitallok · 19/02/2016 20:21

Yabu . You could still have put £ aside for dds, even if she didn't have her own account. Or you could have set up an account for her?

scandichick · 19/02/2016 20:21

Obviously it's his fault (and fair play to your parents for offering the same for both girls). What does he say when you ask why he didn't set up an account for DSD?

Elllicam · 19/02/2016 20:21

I would say yanbu, his responsibility and he couldn't be arsed.

diploddycus · 19/02/2016 20:22

You've not done anything wrong. If he wants his DD to have a savings account he can set it up himself. Would you even be allowed to set it up? I'd have thought it would need to be one of her parents.

diploddycus · 19/02/2016 20:23

Gin and put the money where?! Just lying around the house? No. He's just been too lazy to set one up.

Nishky · 19/02/2016 20:27

I agree with Gin. I would have set up an account for her, or paid double into the one account and split it between the two when appropriate.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2016 20:27

His responsibility to have sorted it out.

hownottofuckup · 19/02/2016 20:29

Of course YANBU he should have set it up when you asked. The tool.

DinosaursRoar · 19/02/2016 20:37

do you keep your finances separate and are you the higher earner? Does he think you put all the money in or does he realise your parents put the money in too? (If he does realise your parents have paid in, does he think they should give money to their DD's step daughter as well as their DGD?)

Has he explained why he thinks saving for DSD isn't something that either of her parents should do? If he only had to set up an account (that exW can't access), why hasn't he?

Beth2511 · 19/02/2016 20:43

I'm glad mostly the view is that I'm not unreasonable.

I couldn't set the account up itself but I could have got him all the paperwork together (need to order new birth cert as lost it etc) and then made and frog marched him to the appointment but I feel he should take the responsibility himself without being babied to do it.

I want to pay into one and my parents, to my surprise, also want to. I will end up making it up once, if he ever, gets around to doing it but if he doesn't I'm not sure I'm responsible like he says. I don't want to save the money elsewhere because once it gets to a certain point it will be counted towards tax credit amounts. I don't want to put in DDs account because it is locked until she is 18 and it would be hard keep track of things like birthday/christmas money as there will be a difference there due to further extended family.

So frustrated that everything is always my fault for being big bad step mom!

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HerRoyalNotness · 19/02/2016 20:43

Yanbu at all!

I save for Hs DD as well as our DC. He did fuck all to set it up and has no clue what I put in monthly or the total sum of the account. It pissrs me off these Manchild types can't lift a finger to sort something for their own DC and then get shitty about it.

(I just set up another savings acct rather than one specifically in her name. That way we don't have to hand it over at 18 either)

CooPie10 · 19/02/2016 20:54

Yanbu at all. It is his responsibility to set this up. You are very kind to want to contribute, as well as your parents to your dsd account. The least he could do is set this up. He has a damn cheek to be upset over this when he knew it was his responsibility.

Beth2511 · 19/02/2016 20:54

We sort of keep finances seperate, he's the higher earner and pays the bills whereas I pay for the day to day things like food, petrol and everything for our girls. It's just always worked out naturally that our individual outgoings this way leave us both with the same left over and suits us well.

When I was pregnant my parents brought up bank accounts when we went round for dinner with him there. They have the same opinion as me and had an account for me from when I was a baby. They said from that very first conversation that they wanted to pay in x amount and wanted to do it for both children. I also said at this point that I would want to do it for both girls because i want them treated the same.

I'm not 100% on the story but DSD had an account when she was younger which her mum emptied out and used to basically party. This immediately put of all DSD's paternal family sending her money for anything and instead always opting for physical presents because it would just be spent and not on or by DSD.

OH hasn't because he's generally clueless about money. He never has money left a week after pay day (hence why he pays all the bills on pay day and I do day to day) and has never seen it as being something worthwhile or important so just never bothered. Once I explained to him how to set up an account and what account to get to protect it from exW and what he needed he specifically said he wanted to do it for DSD but has never got round to it.

OP posts:

Beth2511 · 19/02/2016 20:57

Oh I'm with you on the man child thing!

Still silently seething after he spent both days of half term with both kids, where I was working 6-6, literally sat in front of the TV all day both days. Didn't even bother to get any of DSD's crafty things out or play any games. I had to prepare all the meals before I went and walked in to a bomb explosion of a living room thanks to two very very bored children!

Not relevant to thread but similar frustrations on manchildren!

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PennyHasNoSurname · 19/02/2016 21:26

I would say "are you angry at me? When it was your job to open her an account? Or are you mad at yourself for being lazy about it?"

You and your parents are doing enough. He hasnt done the one thing? Thats his fault.

RubbleBubble00 · 19/02/2016 22:23

he's lazy not setting up the account BUT the money from the family pot you have contributed into dd account should have been matched and put to one side for dsd as your essentially favouring one child.

is it fair dsd suffered for do being lazy

PippaFawcett · 19/02/2016 22:26

YANBU. I don't see why any of this is your responsibility, you have tried your best to be fair but this is down to her parents to sort out, not you.

Iggi999 · 19/02/2016 22:30

Has he any good qualities? Can't believe someone would be so shit as to spend two days in front of the TV with two children.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2016 22:32

I don't see why you should be contributing one penny towards his children's savings when he and her mother can't be bothered doing so. Don't tell him you'll top it up!

It's your responsibility to look after your children and his responsibility to look after his.

If I were you I wouldn't have mentioned the savings at all, but now that you have, just tell him he has as much money as you do and it's up to him to sort it out.

FannyFanakapan · 19/02/2016 22:39

you can set up a nationwide junior ISA online without a birth certificate in about 5 minutes. The money is secure until the child reaches 18 and can access it themselves. Ive set them up for foster children before when I don't always get their birth certs.

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VioletVaccine · 20/02/2016 10:14

I don't see why you should be contributing one penny towards his children's savings when he and her mother can't be bothered doing so.

YY to this!

MadisonMontgomery · 20/02/2016 10:19

No of course you have done nothing wrong! You & your parents have been incredibly generous in offering this money - but he is too lazy to set an account up for his child?! If it bothers him that much he can set one up today & put in the money that your DD already has so they are even.

LittleBearPad · 20/02/2016 10:25

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You bear no responsibility for saving for dsd when her parents can't be bothered to.

Your DP is a man child and need to grow up.

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