To ask him to change his days off?

[fastingmum123]

I work 3 nights a week 8-7 and have 3 dcs aged 11, 8 and 5. During term time this works fine with me sleeping during school time and picking them up at 3 but the holidays aren't going so well. I can grab a bit of sleep here and there but it's not fair to leave them to keep themselves amused for hours on end plus they just argue anyway. My job is very physically demanding and I'm finding it so hard to cope.

This week I have had 3hours sleep over the last two days and I feel awful I'm snappy with the children and just feel sick.

So I've put an idea to dp he works days and gets two random days off a week (usually not the weekend) my thought was to see if he could arrange those two days to correspond with the ones I need to sleep. It would only be during holiday time and I can't see many of his colleagues being upset as it would mean they where more likely to get weekends off. Anyway I just asked if he could mention it and see what they say.

Maybe it's me being over tired but I felt like he thought I was being a bit out of order for suggesting this. I've told him we have to do something and that if its not that i will have to sort some sort of childcare as its not fair on anyone. I'm not sure if we could actually afford childcare but I've got to do something.

So my question is does this sound like a stupid idea?

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

It doesn't sound like a stupid idea at all, but your DP's reaction might be because he knows what sort of reception the idea will get from his manager.

[rookiemere]

Are they his DCs?

[BitOutOfPractice]

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I hope you can get something sorted - you can't carry on like this can you, you poor thing

[fastingmum123]

Yes they are his dcs.

[RedSoloCup]

If they are anything like my work they hate accommodating special requests for days off etc but if this is not the case it's not an unreasonable request at all.

[rookiemere]

Ok then YANBU.

I would sit him down when you are less tired and tell him that you cannot survive with no sleep so the options are that either the family pays for childcare ( find out how much it would cost to put the 3 of them in a holiday club) or he changes his days during the holiday period.

If neither of these options are possible then threaten to give up your job as you can't be expected to survive with no sleep and your DCs cannot be expected to go 2 days per week without adult supervision.

[jay55]

Sounds more than sensible.

[MLGs]

Sounds reasonable. If he thinks his manager won't go for it then he should have just said, I"ll try but I might not be allowed to.

If his manager won't let him do it, then he needs to help you sort out some other childcare.

It should be obvious that you can't cope with working at night and having kids all day!

[AppleAndBlackberry]

You absolutely need to sleep, I think you need to book childcare if he can't get the days off in future. Around here there are some pretty cheap sports clubs, £20 per child per day. Is there anything like that near you? You can usually pay with childcare vouchers too if your employer offers them, which would save another 20%.

[MrsJayy]

Maybe he knows they might not change his days off and because you are exhaiusted you are not able to discuss it properly days off in the holidays might muck up the rotas or something yanbu at all how are you meant to function and work could you get a child minder for your youngest the older can amuse themselves during the day while you sleep

[HermioneJeanGranger]

YANBU at all, but like others have said, his response could be work-related? I know I couldn't just change my days off without it having a massive impact on my other colleagues.

[YouMakeMyDreams]

Am a bit at not being unreasonable because the Dc are his. Would she be unreasonable if they weren't?
Dh is not my dc's dad but he married me and doing that made a commitment to us as a family too and despite his boss being a knob in other respects has never, on the rare occasion it's happened, ever said nope kids aren't yours so tough you can't do that. And thankfully neither has Dh.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Maybe he knows his boss will say no, I can't imagine wanting to swap hours every holiday upsetting other people's hours for my own needs. It would need to be a formal flexible working request. Presumably other people might want annual leave in the school holidays so would want week day time off themselves.

It looks like childcare is the best option going forward for the five and eight year old at least. At 11 they should be safe in the house whilst you sleep.

[theycallmemellojello]

Of course you're not unreasonable to ask. You are unreasonable not to find out why he's not keen. Can't you just ask him?

[MrsJayy]

Yeah I think looking at child care options for the 3 days is probably the way to go poor you though you must be feeling awful that sick feeling you get with no sleep is dreadful.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Of course you are not unreasonable to ask, it is totally normal to work around each other when you have DC. In fact it would not be beyond the realms of normal for him to have thought of it himself - clearly nobody can go 3 days and nights without sleep.

The only unreasonable thing is not having sorted his days off to follow your nights at work during school holidays in advance.

If his work will not allow it any reasonable person would say "I wish that was possible but I doubt work will allow it, we'd better find some childcare..."

[ivykaty44]

I would put the dc into holiday clubs

[Backingvocals]

This is odd. He is a parent. There are holidays. You are not available as you work nights and need at least some sleep in the day. How is he expecting this to get sorted?

It never ceases to amaze me how childcare is made into women's work, when actually you both work.

[scandichick]

Even if he can't reorganise his 'on' days, could annual leave work instead?

[ohtheholidays]

Of course YANBU 3 hours sleep over 2 days is no where near enough sleep you'll end up getting really ill it's not safe neither if you need to drive,cook or use machinery you could end up really hurting your self.

I hope he can change those days you need him to if he can't I think you'll have to look into paid child care or is there anyone friends/family/neighbors that could help out?Or maybe an older teenager you know that you can trust could do a few hours babysitting whilst you sleep upstairs.

[TeddTess]

if you were working days they would need childcare so what's the difference?

you can't NOT sleep!

[honeylulu]

What does he usually do on his days off? Does he deal with kids/enable you to sleep then?
I'm trying to read between the lines to guess if this is an issue with him thinking work won't accommodate or possibly him not wanting to give up his free time. (I'm not jumping to any conclusions, just asking).

[fastingmum123]

I have booked a week off in the Easter holidays and two separate weeks over the summer but as I only do three nights im not entitled to much. Dp does sometimes get the days off we need but it's hit or miss. I didn't ask him to ask for those days through the whole holidays just to see if he could get them a bit more often iucwim? He does have a tendency to see his days off as "his time" and often moans if we do anything like shopping on those days. He also has a tendency to think that dd(11) is ok to watch the younger two which obviously isn't fair. I think sometimes he just doesn't understand that I am actually awake all night and do need proper sleep not just a quick nap.

My mil used to help out but her hours have changed hence why ive suddenly found myself in this position.

[honeylulu]

Okaaaay, I think you've partly answered the question. He doesn't really want to do much/any childcare on his days off. Maybe I'm cynical but he's not really going to be motivated to make sure he negotiates those days off is he?
I think that's very U (of him). You're not even asking for "me time", just a normal amount of sleep ffs!

[OnlyLovers]

He does have a tendency to see his days off as "his time" and often moans if we do anything like shopping on those days.

Have you asked him when he thinks you get 'your time'?

You're definitely not being U. You as a family have a childcare issue and you're trying to sort it. He needs to try too, not make you feel like it's a weird thing to try to discuss.