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To not have my newly divorced friend over tonight?

(23 Posts)
Ryanairbride1234 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:38:25

They are in the process of divorcing, it's not complete yet.
He is a complete actual douche. Violent.
She has a 3 year old and another on the way. I've been there the whole way through for her, helping her prepare for court, going to the solicitors, having her over for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day etc etc Which is no bother!

But she messages me nearly every weekend to come over as she doesn't want to be home alone. I feel like I just need some time at home at the weekend alone. But I can't say that, I don't want her to think I don't want to be as supportive any more. Just sometimes I need to be with just my family! What do I even say? blush

strawberrypenguin Fri 19-Feb-16 09:41:51

Just say you have plans for this weekend already.
Sounds like you've been a great friend but you can't shoulder all of her problems you need family time too.

Gliblet Fri 19-Feb-16 09:42:23

Just say that actually you're pretty tired, not great company and need some time to relax properly. You're doing her no favours in the long term if you keep allowing her to avoid learning to be on her own at weekends.

GreatFuckability Fri 19-Feb-16 09:42:49

Just say you have plans with your family today, but you can do x day instead.

Fedup21 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:44:48

What does she say in these messages?
Are you free this weekend at all?
I'll be over at 8pm-let's watch Saw.

Etc -how she is asking you would affect what I replied.

MoreGilmoreGirls Fri 19-Feb-16 09:45:16

Either tell her you have plans or don't feel great and need an early night. You deserve a bit if a break by the sounds of it. She's lucky to have you as a friend.

CooPie10 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:58:43

Just say you have a busy weekend ahead but you'll let her know if you get some free time.

tbtc20 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:02:47

I've no advice, but just want to thank you.

I am mid-divorce and I'm aware that my friendships are very one way at the moment. You sound like a really lovely friend, but you need some time on your own as well.

Does she have other support? It must be a massive pressure for you if she's relying on you.

Yes, tell her you have other plans and suggest another time.

You sound lovely. Best wishes to your friend as well.

UnGoogleable Fri 19-Feb-16 10:10:06

Tell her you have plans. Just say something along the lines of "Sorry, DH/DC and I have decided to have a night in / out. I'll see you on XYZ" just so it's clear that you're not open to her inviting herself round.

You're being a wonderful friend, but you aren't her 24 hr support, you deserve your own time too.

mylaptopismylapdog Fri 19-Feb-16 10:11:01

This is a bit like the masks on a plane none of us can help someone else if we are depleted ourselves you have been great friend but you need a break, take it.

pilates Fri 19-Feb-16 10:15:12

Op, you need to put your foot down and spend time with your family.

You sound a great friend BTW.

Muskateersmummy Fri 19-Feb-16 10:19:18

Does she have anywhere else she can go?

If not I would say have her over this weekend, but help her make alternative plans for the ones moving forward. I wouldn't want to leave my friend with her violent douche bag.

I think you have been an amazing friend but this close to the weekend, I couldn't say no. Maybe say yes but with a caviate that you will be busy next weekend. That way you know you have next week to yourself but she'll be safe this weekend

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 19-Feb-16 10:21:12

I would not tell her you're feeling a bit put upon, although you have every right to be feeling that way - sounds like you've been a rock.

I would just say you can't or you're not free if you need a bit of space every now and then, but I wouldn't give any more detail than that. I'm sure you're friend will accept that, but if she thinks she's being a huge burden on you that would be doubly hard.

I think I've been this friend. But at some point in our lives and for one reason or another I think we'll all be this friend; needy and desperately looking for a port in the storm. But it passes. It will pass OP, she only needs you for a while and she'll need you less and less. You don't have to be there every time she calls - and please don't be, you need your own life too, don't let it get to the point that you feel resentful towards her - but you reap what you sow in friendships, and you're building up credit a million times over. We'll all need that kindness at one time or another.

314Romaniac Fri 19-Feb-16 10:21:13

I feel so bad for her. People advise leaving violent men but they have no idea how hard it is, how scary it is to be alone with a man you've told you're leaving.
I nevr expected anything from my friends. I knew I had to get through it on my own, because no person can give you enough help to make it happen. You have to figure it out somehow. tell her to call the police if he is violent or threatens violence.

314Romaniac Fri 19-Feb-16 10:23:45

Oh I see he's not there!

She has to grow accustomed to being on her own! I have, and I don't mean to say ''i did so everybody else can too' but it is a learned skill for many, being comfortable in one's own company and not feeling the need for company all of the time. She has to go through that process. No idea what to advise really. You sound like a great friend. I hope that she can learn to be content in her own company!! It can be lovely when you're used to it.

twopinkkittens Fri 19-Feb-16 10:37:50

Its ok to still keep your life ticking over too. You don't have to feel obligated to have her in your pocket.

Just be honest with her and let her know you have plans - but how about x date/time.

She will have to be alone at some point soon she cannot keep relying on you.

Does she have anyone else to go and spend some time with? Perhaps encourage her to get back in touch with family/friends she may of lost contact with.

KitKat1985 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:39:22

I agree just reply saying you have other plans this weekend. You've been a great friend but deserve some quality time with her family too. Plus she needs to get used to being on her own more.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Fri 19-Feb-16 10:47:18

Just say you arent available.

You can be very supportive but you dont need to martyr yourself for her feelings and needs.

She needs to get used to being on her own.

MrsJayy Fri 19-Feb-16 12:44:17

What everybody else says really she has grown dependant on you which is understandable I guess she is lonley but just say im busy I can see you on x day for a catch up text her during the weekend it might help her feel secure but a good friend has to look after herself first.

Ryanairbride1234 Fri 19-Feb-16 13:39:21

Thanks all. She does have other friends, but they were around a lot longer whilst she was with her husband, so I think all the times she's left and then taken him back in the past have put them off being supportive now. Which is fair as there's only so many times you can watch someone make the same mistakes I guess.
I have introduced to a few of my other friends as well. Hopefully will build her network up a bit!

I've messaged and said I'm not very well. Which is actually true lol

Momamum Fri 19-Feb-16 15:27:41

Ok then, you've ducked it for this coming weekend..but next? And the one after, and the one after that? Me, I'd suggest that next weekend (not this coming one, you've covered that) you meet for a brain storming session with her to explore possibilities for enlarging her friendship group/ interest groups etc,

Good luck!

Ryanairbride1234 Fri 19-Feb-16 22:29:03

Her response to my message was "oh poor you! I'll make you some soup to bring up!!"
confused grin so that back fired!
But in the end she bought me dominos, so really it's a win haha

KitKat1985 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:38:56

I think you might have to start being a bit blunt with her. It sounds like you've been a very good friend but she's being a bit clingy and isn't taking hints very well.

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