to want DP to ask for a DNA test for his DC?

[SashaFierce99]

DP had three DC when we met who are now aged 10 and DTS aged 8. His wife was unfaithful multiple times throughout their marriage; she has admitted this openly. The children look nothing like DP, each other or our DC together. He hasn't seen them regularly for several years because his ex moves around and refuses to tell him where etc.

Yet he is still paying over £500 p/m maintenance for them. Obviously this would be the right thing to do if they were biologically his or even if he just had a relationship with them, but he has admitted he isn't sure at all that they are actually his and realistically we can't afford to keep applying to the court to find out where the DC are while also paying so much maintenance.

Aibu to think he should ask for a DNA test in these circumstances?

[Griphook]

Yes not unreasonable, I don't necessarily just think it's about money though.

[GloGirl]

Maybe it would be fair to.

But you really can't ask him too.

[GloGirl]

*to

[SashaFierce99]

I don't mean just money-wise. We spend so much time and energy worrying and chasing these children around trying to build relationships when, if they aren't his, it could all be for nothing and cause more hurt long term.

[notapizzaeater]

Does he want a Dna test ? Are you in touch now ?

[SashaFierce99]

No she disappeared again last month. They are happy and fine when we see them but very much brain washed into thinking we choose to stop seeing them and that their mum is an angel.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Did he have the same doubts when they were together or did this suddenly come up now? I wonder if he's trying to run away from his responsibilities...

[SashaFierce99]

I think he does but thinks he'd look like an arse if he asked for one and he worries she'd tell the children he doesn't believe they are/want them to be his

[SashaFierce99]

They separated when the twins were one and her multiple indiscretions came to light the following year. He's always wondered.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

OP how long have you been with him?
Sorry but this sounds like the typical story that anyone who wouldn't want to pay maintenance would say

[SashaFierce99]

For six years. He's happy to continue paying. I think he's being foolish.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

It's good that he's happy to continue with this
These are his children and I don't mean to have a go but really be careful about putting ideas in his head

[Alisvolatpropiis]

What do you mean "don't look like him"? Are we talking different skin colours?

I have 3 cousins who are brothers. Eldest looks like their dad, middle shares colouring but nothing else, youngest looks totally different to both his siblings and his parents. Different colouring entirely. Doesn't make them any less their fathers sons.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

He is happy to keep paying for a reason.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

So what do you expect him to do if let's say 1 of DCs ended up not being his. He should have no relationship with the child? Cut him off and make no effort cause his sperm wasn't involved? How do you explain this to a child that know him for 10 years?

[Zariyah]

You sound like your primary motivation is money.

[attheendoftheday]

Surely you can't act as someone's dad and then get a dna test after ten years?

Do you think your dp would walk away from the kids if there was a negative result?

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

What a sad story.

In his position, where I was being blocked from having a relationship with my children, I would probably want to find out.

Not sure how you would go about it though. You would obviously need to see the children to take the swabs, and convince the kids to let you do this. You don't need the ex wife's permission legally as you aren't taking swabs from her.

However you may find that your DH wouldn't change his actions based on the result.

[lborgia]

I can entirely see your concern, well at least the one given, that it seems to be a hiding to nothing. ..and actually the mean thoughts that might whorl around in your head that no one would want to admit; that it takes away from those children you both love and live with. I think many many second partners would try and smother those thoughts but they'd be there.

I do think, though, that if you've already raised the idea, or he has, that's as far as you can take it. Obviously he will feel many loaded emotions about his ex-w's behaviour, but if he decides to leave things as they are, as many of us men I know think "if in doubt do nothing", then you make your peace with it.

I only have MOE experience to go by. My childhood was somewhat impoverished by my father's incredibly gallant (you're allowed to think silly, just don't tell me) behaviour in giving everything to his first wife when they divorced, despite her similar, despicable behaviour. Fortunately, I suppose, there were no children by that marriage to complicate further, but the financial impact was the same if not greater (particular memory of no shoes for us, and then shoes but no meat for many days!). I don't care, in hindsight, my dad lived by rules of an earlier age and in so many ways we benefited from his ways. But my mum was angry and the one who had to deal with the shortfall (my dad did not have a consistent work life because of ill health).

Anyway, my point is that I understand, and all your feelings (spoken or silent) are allowed. But. The children are still "his" and washing his hands of them because of biology (or money) is not a good enough reason. Even if ex-w completely alienates them from him, one day they might be old enough to make their own decision to start a relationship with him. It is unbelievably cruel to withdraw from them because of their mother's actions.

Not sure if that helps really!

[goddessofsmallthings]

If your dp's ex is anything like the way you describe her, it's probable that she will make capital out of a request for a DNA test with potentially catastrophic consequences for the dc and their future relationship with their df if, as may well prove to be the case, he is their father.

Instead of applying to courts to find out where the dc are, your dp is best advised to apply for a childcare arrangements order setting out contact and a prohibited steps order to prevent his ex from uprooting the dc and moving away without his consent.

If regular contact is established there will be opportunity to discreetly obtain samples of the dcs' hair from brushes, saliva from used toothbrushes, etc which can be submitted to one of the low cost online services for testing. However, that said, the impetus for testing has to come from your dp and I would advise you not to pursue the matter if he isn't inclined to do so.

It should be noted that if the results show cause for doubt as to the dcs' paternity, testing will need to be repeated by a Court approved laboratory before any challenge can be made in respect of child maintenance.

[cuautepec]

I just think it is potentially too cruel to the children

[goddessofsmallthings]

I just think it is potentially too cruel to the children

I can't agree with you, cuautepec, as what is cruel is that their df and his dp are constantly looking at them and wondering if they are his dc.

Children absorb a lot by osmosis and sooner or later one, or all, of them are going to pick up on being scrutinised when they're with their df in a way which doesn't occur when they're with other people if, in fact, they haven't done so already.

It's not just the OP's dp who deserves to know; to my mind these dc have a far greater entitlement to know that their df has no doubt that they are chips off his old block, so to speak.