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too ask for a dna test?

(38 Posts)
twistedlove Thu 18-Feb-16 20:28:36

This might be long but I don't wanna drip feed.

My mum and dad were together 8 years before I was conceived, shortly after she found out he had been having an affair, they split up and he got with the OW and brought up her son, he denied all facts of me being his child and has never been there through out my life, lucky I had a wonderful stepdad.

My dad or whoever he is, has 3 grown up sons from a previous marriage who were very much involved with me due to my mum being good friends with his previous wife who is a lovely woman, his children have always believed I was there sister and have always been there for me.

There's been a few times I've been in contact with this man and briefly lived with him and my brother when I was a teenager, I've never called him dad and he's never acknowledged me, we've engaged in small talk and that's it, when I was young and he seen me and my mum he would talk to her and totally ignore me. my mum has always been adamant that he is my dad but there's always been doubt in my mind.

He hasn't been a very good dad too his sons either, Two of his sons don't speak to him, one of them who I'm really close too won't let him see his grandchildren because of the way he's treated me and says I'm better off not knowing him.

Ive been thinking about a DNA test for a long time but have never had the courage to ask him, recently I've been going to therapy and I think I'm ready to know the truth now.

I was just wondering if 24 years is too late and is it a good idea to drag up the past?

Dawndonnaagain Thu 18-Feb-16 20:30:04

You don't need to ask him. Ask one of the sons. If you share some of their DNA, he is your father. Peasy!

MsVestibule Thu 18-Feb-16 20:32:34

But what makes you think he might not be? Do you think she was cheating on her DH at the time you were conceived?

BlueJug Thu 18-Feb-16 20:34:52

And then you'd know. But - I'd talk to your mum first - it affects her. You don't need permission but if he is not your dad the implications are frightening.

BillSykesDog Thu 18-Feb-16 20:35:14

You can test with your brothers. But I suspect it's wishful thinking.

WonderingAspie Thu 18-Feb-16 20:39:26

For me, it would keep nagging and I'd want to know one way or the other. If this is you then take pps advice and get what you need from your brothers.

VoyageOfDad Thu 18-Feb-16 20:44:18

Do you doubt your mum ? Surely she wasn't having an affair too.

It sounds like you have a great mum, a wonderful stepdad, caring brothers who are supporive. Nieces and nephews.

Honestly, that is so valuable. You already have a loving family, why have anything to do with an ass ? < retorical >

I agree, if you really need to know, do it with your bothers. Personally i'd take the word of my mum.

VoyageOfDad Thu 18-Feb-16 20:45:35

.... unless of course its really about getting him to admit the fact..

... He'd still be an ass either way.

twistedlove Thu 18-Feb-16 20:46:46

Ive spoke about it with his youngest son and he's happy to do a sibling DNA if that's what I want but id rather the bloke new I was going to do it instead of it being a massive shock if it turns out he is my dad.

I don't believe my mum was cheating but his term of events are very different to her, he suspects one of his friends and she's said there's not a chance, his sons, his ex wife and his brother even his late dad who my mum used to take me to see in secret all believe I'm his but him and his mum who passed away 2 years ago denied I even existed.

Solasum Thu 18-Feb-16 20:49:48

His narration of events is probably bollocks. Think about it, why would your mum have bothered to take you to see your paternal grandfather in secret, if she had even the slightest doubt that he was your gf? Just because your dad is a cheater, and lies about it, it doesn't mean your mum is too.

Solasum Thu 18-Feb-16 20:52:03

Would it help if you stopped trying to make him into a 'dad' figure, and instead thought about it as 'my biological father'? The reason he has been a shit dad is because he is horrible, not because he isn't your father.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 18-Feb-16 20:52:09

I would be incredibly hurt if one of my children felt they had to check my word was good.

grannytomine Thu 18-Feb-16 20:54:22

Will it make you feel better to know, one way or the other? If so I would go for it.

Solasum Thu 18-Feb-16 20:56:42

If you do go ahead with it, I think you have to be prepared for your mum being utterly devastated by your doing so, and it to damage your relationship permanently.

twistedlove Thu 18-Feb-16 20:58:35

I don't think I want him in my life, I think I just want the truth, he's not a very nice man and I haven't missed out on anything.

VoyageOfDad Thu 18-Feb-16 21:00:47

twisted

It may not change his views at all. He sounds like a terrible parent to the children he acknowleges. You get the pleasureof saying ' i told you so you w*nker' , but it might not change much beyond that.

twistedlove Thu 18-Feb-16 21:00:53

My mum knows I want the dna and she doesn't see it as me not believing her but more me wanting to prove she told the truth.

DoJo Thu 18-Feb-16 21:00:54

If you take the test, you are pretty much telling your mum that you take the word of a man who has always treated you like shit over hers. Don't underestimate how damaging that could be to your relationship - have you spoken to her about it?

id rather the bloke new I was going to do it instead of it being a massive shock if it turns out he is my dad.
You're being way more considerate of his feelings than he has ever been of yours, but realistically, is it more likely that he will be 'shocked' or that he has been lying all along to justify not bothering to have a relationship with you? Even if he didn't believe he was your dad, he still cheated on your mum and left her with a young baby, which is a pretty shitty thing to do.

What kind of change do you think it would make to your life to know either way?

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 18-Feb-16 21:01:30

If it puts your mind at rest then go for it.

MistressDeeCee Thu 18-Feb-16 21:05:24

I think this is about you wanting to know who you really are, OP. Someone would have to have walked in your shoes to know how that feels. I haven't. But Id say, even if it may hurt some people (hopefully not) then go for it, put your own mind at rest. Have a think about how you will feel and what you will do if you don't like or expect the outcome, however.

sleeponeday Thu 18-Feb-16 21:07:25

id rather the bloke new I was going to do it instead of it being a massive shock if it turns out he is my dad.

I don't imagine it would come as any sort of shock at all. He's an arse, not an idiot, and he knows you are his child. He just says whatever suits him so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

I can see why you want to know, but I would prepare yourself for the reality that it won't change a thing in terms of his behaviour to you. The problem isn't your DNA, but his character - or lack of it, sadly.

grannytomine Thu 18-Feb-16 21:07:36

I don't see it as disrespecting her mum or not believing her, if she believes her mum, and she certainly seems to, then this would be proving her mum was not having an affair. If I was her mum I would be all for that if this man has been telling lies about me for 24 years.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 18-Feb-16 21:10:17

What makes you think it would be "massive shock" to him if "it turns out" he's your dad when this is what your dm has been telling him for 24+ years?

Do the DNA test with one of your half-siblings and, when you have the result, tell your dm that you've never doubted her word but you now have scientific evidence with which to confront the arsehole and demand 18 years' worth of child maintenance towards your upkeep.

I'm sorry to say that, even when you show him proof positive that he is your sperm donor father, he'll continue to be an utter cunt to you and I suggest you consider counselling to help you come to terms with his rejection of you.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 18-Feb-16 21:10:42

"Ive spoke about it with his youngest son and he's happy to do a sibling DNA if that's what I want but id rather the bloke new I was going to do it instead of it being a massive shock if it turns out he is my dad."
You're buying in to his narrative. It's not going to be a massive shock to him if it turns out he is your biological dad. He will shrug his shoulders and go 'So what? Changes nothing.'.

"I don't believe my mum was cheating but his term of events are very different to her, he suspects one of his friends and she's said there's not a chance, his sons, his ex wife and his brother even his late dad who my mum used to take me to see in secret all believe I'm his but him and his mum who passed away 2 years ago denied I even existed."
Interesting that his mum took his part. It suggests that he was one of those indulged little princes - who do so often turn into complete wankers.

"I don't think I want him in my life, I think I just want the truth"
You already have the truth. I think you want him to be unable to deny it any more. Honestly, I think you'd be a lot happier if you could just not give a shit about what he says and what he claims. Your mother knows the truth, Your brothers know the truth. I think you know it too, but this utter bastard has made you doubt that 2+2=5 sad.

sleeponeday Thu 18-Feb-16 21:12:38

I don't see it as disrespecting her mum or not believing her, if she believes her mum, and she certainly seems to, then this would be proving her mum was not having an affair. If I was her mum I would be all for that if this man has been telling lies about me for 24 years.

Completely agree. Having the test (which the father would never agree to, as it would wrong-foot him completely) simply proves her father is full of it to anyone who ever questioned that fact.

I would imagine the list is not lengthy, in fairness. But if I were a mother in that position, I would be pleased if my child sat me down, said they'd had enough of his lies, and that the child and her half-sib by the father were doing a sibling DNA test to silence the nonsense permanently.

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