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To not punish DD

(160 Posts)
Milly783 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:57:35

I've been in a relationship for two years now, we both have DD's the same age (8) and have only recently introduced them to each other, although we live really close to each other, DD's have never interacted, they go to different schools etc , they attend the same Scouting Pack but whilst my DD is a Cub, DP's DD is a brownie, so again they've never interacted. A Group camp set for last weekend, pushed us into introducing them in January, as they've both met us individually already. So far we've only all met up three times together for days out, DP's DD is currently on a diet as she's overweight, so on the days out I made sure DD ate healthy as well, as I know how unfair it would be to give one child treats and not the other.

Back home just DD and I, she asked why she was allowed hot chocolate at home but not when we were out that afternoon and I explained that DP's DD wasn't allowed treats so it was the right thing to do not giving DD any as well, she asked why and I said that it was because she was slightly bigger then she ought to be.

During Camp, the children were making s'mores and DD saw DP's DD eating one and went up to her and said 'you aren't allowed that because you're too big already' DP's DD got really upset and DD was made to apologise.

Their were no more incidents and no Leader told me about it, the first time I heard about it was from a phone call from DP to 'inform me' that DD had called his DD fat and wanting to know what I had done about it.

I replied nothing, as this was the first I was hearing about it. So I asked DD and she said she didn't use the word fat and had already been made to apologise, I texted her Cub Leader and the poor man, who was getting a well deserved rest, backed up her story. I called DP to say that the matter had been sorted out and that their was nothing more to do, he got really sarcastic and then just hung up.

I've spent the past two days very irritated, I think I'm in the right but if I'm not feel free to tell me.

MaudGonneMad Wed 17-Feb-16 20:00:07

Did you give your DD a talking-to/telling-off?

Owllady Wed 17-Feb-16 20:00:47

If you've spoken to her about it, I think that's fine.

Katenka Wed 17-Feb-16 20:01:38

I think you are both handling this wrong.

Stopping your dd having stuff because your dps dd can't have it is unfair.

I can see why your dd got annoyed when she is told she can't have something and then sees the girl eating things she shouldn't.

But you should punish her. What she said (wether she used the word fat or not) was nasty and uncalled for.

I also don't think you had any right telling your dd why your dps dd was banned from having hot chocolate.

I also think the whole banning of foods at events is pretty weird. I say this as someone's whose dd was borderline overweight but is now a healthy weight.

I didn't ban anything, especially at a group event.

fastdaytears Wed 17-Feb-16 20:01:38

Do you think it's ok that she said that?

usual Wed 17-Feb-16 20:01:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 17-Feb-16 20:02:30

At the age of eight your daughter should know what she said was really mean. You should have reinforced that.

fastdaytears Wed 17-Feb-16 20:03:24

Oh yes, what usual said, it wasn't a great idea to say that. But 8 is old enough for your DD to know that saying what she did would hurt your DP's DD's feelings.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Wed 17-Feb-16 20:04:50

I don't think you should have told her that dp's daughter was watching her weight - I do think you should have stern words for her speaking out of turn to the girl regarding her weight, food intake; in front of other people [even if in private - it wouldn't be on]

FrancisdeSales Wed 17-Feb-16 20:05:07

Unfortunately I think your explanation to your DD wasn't phrased in the greatest way. I would just say she is eating healthily and no more.

I don't think your DD was kind and I would follow up with her when you get home to make sure she doesn't continue with these comments if you want to continue with DH and his DD.

Talk more about health with her and don't talk about people being "bigger than they ought to be". These are not random kids, their parents are in a relationship so all these incidents can have repercussions and I think you need to acknowledge that.

PurpleDaisies Wed 17-Feb-16 20:05:11

I think your dp is in the right-yes, your dd technically didn't use the word "fat" but what she said really wasn't very nice at all and his daughter was upset. I'd have a stern chat with her about saying things like that to other people but since she's already been punished I'd leave it at that.

The trouble is if you stay together your girls are going to have to get along. It sounds like the air really isn't clear between them despite your dd being made to apologise. Could you all meet up and do something nice together, and hopefully the girls can sort it out?

Drogon Wed 17-Feb-16 20:06:08

As PP said, I hope you had a talk to her. What she said really wasn't nice and must have been humiliating for your DP's DD (coming from someone who was subject to similar comments and bullying growing up)

MaudGonneMad Wed 17-Feb-16 20:06:15

Being made to apologise isn't a punishment in my book.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 17-Feb-16 20:06:30

You shouldn't have said anything about why the other girl wasn't allowed hot chocolate. 'Because she's not allowed it' is plenty of explanation. And I agree with PPs that you should give her a talking to as well: what she said was unkind and she's old enough to know that.

Milly783 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:06:58

I know I should never have even mentioned it but I was trying to get her to understand, so she'd be more sympathetic etc and no I realise what she said was awful, and that she hurt the feelings of another child, I would hate it if anyone had upset DD but I feel that since it happened at camp and was sorted during camp, and that no Leader felt it was significant enough to report to me, that the matter is closed. It does sound like DP's DD is slightly exaggerating, I have told DD off as regardless of her intent, she's old enough to know that that would have hurt DP's DD's feelings but I don't think I should punish her anymore.

PurpleDaisies Wed 17-Feb-16 20:07:34

It does sound like DP's DD is slightly exaggerating

Why do you say that?

Lurkedforever1 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:08:22

As usual said, entirely your fault for telling your dd like that. I think you need to speak to your dd about how hurtful her comment was, and explain why you were in the wrong to say it. You also owe your dp and his dd an apology, although up to him whether he thinks his dd would rather not have it mentioned again.

Excited101 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:08:51

Why oh why would you tell her that was the reason his DD wasn't having it?! That is unbelievably insensitive on your part and it was an entirely inappropriate thing for you to say! It doesn't matter that it's true- she's 8, that is no where near mature enough to have that information.

Your DD shouldn't have said it, and needs telling that in a firm way but actually I blame you, this is your fault.

CooPie10 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:09:15

I think as she's apologised that should be enough. And now that she knows it wasn't nice she will know not to do it again. I disagree with you not allowing her to have treats when the other dc is around. It's not fair on your dd. It's up to her dad to manage that.
I see why you gave her an explanation about the treats not being allowed, I'm not sure what else you could have said.

fastdaytears Wed 17-Feb-16 20:09:30

Well that's a bit different from your OP. If you've told her off and you don't normally do specific punishments then just tell your DP that. Your post read to me like you didn't tell her off because you didn't think she'd done anything wrong, and your DP might have got that idea too.

wigglesrock Wed 17-Feb-16 20:10:05

Have you talked to your daughter about how hurtful it was - what she said, in front of other kids? I've an 8 year old, she'd know rightly that what she said was mean and I'd be angry with her for saying it, for embarrassing another child like that.

Milly783 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:10:42

@MaudGonneMad I don't think I should punish her at all, that's the point of this post. I think an apology was appropriate for the situation and except a stern telling off, no more is needed to be done.

shinynewusername Wed 17-Feb-16 20:11:14

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you be upset, OP? You must know that what your DD said was really mean.

I think you are right not to punish her retrospectively, after she has apologised - that would only stoke resentment between the two girls. But you also need to acknowledge to your DP that he has every right to be upset.

TrinityForce Wed 17-Feb-16 20:11:34

Poor girl

Being called fat in front of your friends

I'd certainly have a word, doesn't sound like she meant it nicely - how could you?

RudeElf Wed 17-Feb-16 20:11:46

Is your dd very naive? Otherwise i cant see how she wouldnt know that saying anything would be upsetting. I would suspect she said it deliberatley to upset.

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