To detest two faced behaviour?

[BlackberryGrumble]

I don't mean being polite and civil to someone if you don't like them, but I hate it when people say things about someone and then act like they are best mates with them at other times.

There is a mum who has a DD at my DD's school who is, quite frankly awful. She is very pushy, very rude (prides herself on being honest and speaking her mind), quite nasty at times, and does things like phones other parents if their child falls out with her child. I do not like this woman at all and avoid her. I am coolly polite if I see her but do not engage with her in any conversations, am not FB friends with her and do not have anything to do with her socially.

Lots of other mums at the school openly bitch about her all the time and say that they dislike her (I do not start these conversations with them btw, they openly say these things with no prompting, and I do not bitch about her myself). They constantly say about how pushy she is, about how she has phoned them as their DD said something that upset her DD, and that she is rude and says nasty things.

However, they ALL are extremely friendly with/to her despite saying these things behind her back.

For example, they are all Facebook friends with her. This week so far three different school mums have tagged this woman in FB statuses saying they've had a 'lovely catch up' with her. Another mum who bitches about her all the time meets her every Thursday night and goes to the gym with her. This woman is always invited to everything; nights out, meet ups with the kids, everything. She was out at the weekend at another mum's birthday meal (this mum also moans about her).

The fact that so many of the other mums are being two faced is really putting me off them all, despite the fact that they are nice to me (to my face, at least!) and all seem lovely. I just don't think that being two-faced is a particularly nice trait to have.

AIBU to really dislike this kind of behaviour?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Lying greases the wheels of society. I am personally 'friends' with lots of people who I don't like but who have power, or are important in the lives of others. Such as the exes of friends and family. They have children in common so I am delightful to them, even though I don't like them.

School gates is another place that I lie and connive. Because I want my child to have friends and if I piss the other parents off, she won't. No shame about it.

[acasualobserver]

You have your standards, they have theirs. I wouldn't waste too much time or effort worrying about it.

[BlackberryGrumble]

This woman has pissed off other parents though, and lots of them to boot, yet they are still super friendly to her

[BlackberryGrumble]

I know what you are saying acasualobserver, but two faced-ness puts me off someone as chances are they bitch about me behind my back too. It makes me question their integrity.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Possibly they are keeping their powder dry for bigger battles.

[BlackberryGrumble]

Why would they all keep meeting up with and being super friendly with someone that they don't like though? Fair enough if they are polite and friendly if they bump into her but actually making an effort for someone they don't like? I wouldn't invite someone I dislike to a birthday meal of mine, that's for certain!

[bodenbiscuit]

I never get involved with any parent from any school if I can help it. It hasn't stopped my daughters having friends and play dates.

[Potatoface2]

probably a bit of keeping 'your enemies close'....she has to be pretty thick skinned to not know shes not very well liked

[BlackberryGrumble]

Exactly, bodenbiscuit!

I am the same, I don't get particularly involved with any other parents yet my children always get invited to playdates and parties.

[BlackberryGrumble]

Oh yes she is very thick skinned Potatoface2.

I just don't get why they make an effort though. It's like a case of treating her like a queen to her face.

[bodenbiscuit]

Personally I don't have parents from school on my Facebook either. I'm a private person - I don't want anyone gossiping about me.

[BillSykesDog]

To be honest, I have a pretty low opinion of anybody who would encourage/expect others to engage in excluding behaviour just because they do or because they don't like somebody.

It's up to them and frankly it's none of your business what goes on between other people and how they choose to manage their relationships.

This is the sort of behaviour you expect off children in a schoolyard, not their mothers.

[BlackberryGrumble]

BillSykes, did you actually read my OP?

They actively bitch about her on a daily basis!

[CaptainCrunch]

They're afraid of her. They don't want to be on the receiving end of her wrath so they suck up to her and mitigate her behaviour by saying things like "she's always been alright to me" and "you must have done something to upset her" if you're on the receiving end of her crap. I've lost count of the times I've seen this behaviour. It sickens me.

[CaptainCrunch]

..also at some level they will find all the bitching and drama "entertaining" so they want to be involved to get the all the juicy stuff first. It's like meat and potatoes to these people. Keep your distance OP.

[BillSykesDog]

It doesn't matter. It's really childish to indulge in this sort of 'Someone's made me cross so I'm not going to be their friend' sort of behaviour.

Maybe they're just mature enough to know that someone can really bloody irritate you at times but you can still enjoy their company even if you sometimes need a good moan about them.

Maybe they are grown up enough to know that even though she sometimes annoys them, deciding as a group that they are not going to be her friend and excluding her is unkind and childish.

It's just absolutely none of your business OP. It's nothing to do with you. Why are you so invested in wanting other people to exclude somebody just because you don't like them?

It's up to them what they do. Grow up and butt out.

[BlackberryGrumble]

I don't know if she is alright to them as they all seem to have been on the receiving end of her crap as they bitch all the time and say how rude she is, how abrupt, how nasty her comments are etc. None of them seem to like her.

[BlackberryGrumble]

BillSykes, are you friendly with people you slag off on a daily basis then? Would you be happy if your friends bitched about you every single day behind your back and were fine to your face because they 'sometimes needed a good moan about them'

It's childish to think that that is acceptable behaviour actually....

[doeraeme]

Some people are just like this. II have a work colleague (A) who regulary bitches about work colleague (B) but is still willing to go for birthday drinks with her or exchange gossipy emails. I'm no great fan of B either but i don't bitch about her, I just keep our interactions to brief polite exchanges and try and keep out of her way. I think A bitches about many people (i would guess that includes me) but for some reason she thinks it's better to have a friend she doesn't like rather than have one less friend.

[BillSykesDog]

She might be really unpleasant, but being childishly preoccupied with a wish that some sort of retribution should be visited on her by other mothers excluding her and turning on her makes you no better than her IMO.

[BlackberryGrumble]

BillSykes, if you read my first post properly you would have seen that the two face behaviour exhibited by the other mums is what puts me off them! And no, I can't see why they still spend time with her despite their opinions of her, she's vile! I personally don't like being friends with people who are friends with someone who is a total and utter cunt.

[CaptainCrunch]

This sort of behaviour isn't restricted to school gate mummery but it is pretty prevalent there. I remember about 10 years ago when DS was 4. I organised a night out for our Play Group to raise funds. One woman kept going on and on AND ON about her neighbour, what a cow she was, how much she HATED her. None of us knew this woman and just kind of nodded dumbly when she continued ranting about her. Next minute she turns up at the venue, the woman who professed to hate her had phoned her up and invited her along. It was disgusting, I felt so sorry for the woman who had been set up.

[CombineBananaFister]

Well, they do seem to like her or want to be part of her social circle if they keep sucking up despite the bitching. Personally this would put me off them more than her, at least she's not fake, just horrible.

I'd be polite but keep a distance. People always seem to gravitate towards these awful Queen Bee types but then seem to hate themselves for being subservient so have to quietly bitch to make themselves feel better about it. But they don't feel bad/brave enough to leave the social circle and go it alone. I have school aquaintances not friends.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

I'm with you on this 100% OP. There was (is!) something similar in our group. They all bitch about her and avoid her calls because it's usually about her needing a childcare favour but nobody actually says no when asked. Even when it has meant them rearranging plans. I've questioned this many times and they all say that they're too wimpy and scared of confrontation!