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To ask how to go NC and advice.

(30 Posts)
TheCatsMeow Wed 17-Feb-16 12:47:08

We are NC with DSs dad, he was abusive towards me and didn't respect my consent (I don't want to say the word), manipulated me, used suicide threats to get his own way and is an all round unstable individual. We are NC because I don't trust him with DS and I can't face him to see him for contact.

I've just had a phone call from his overbearing controlling mother saying I'm a twisted individual who's mentally unstable, I've made it all up, I can't prove it legally and I emotionally abused her son and he never did anything to me, and that she's keeping records so that when DS is old enough she can show him. She used lots of emotive language like "he used to cry in bed all day over you, we all know what you're like, you're disturbed" and then went on to say my parents have done a crap job and my parents were rude to her (my mum told her to leave me alone when I was heavily pregnant and having panic attacked from the harassment from her).

I feel like crying. How do I deal with this? I'm trying to get over what happened to me and look after my DS who has illnesses, I'm trying to keep DS safe, I'm trying my best and I feel shit now. I don't know why it's affected me so much, but I feel like they'll never leave me alone. I feel like I live in fear that every so often they'll start harassing me again, and that I can't relax.

I'm not explaining this very well but how do I go NC and stop this? Change of phone numbers? They know my address.

I just want them to leave me alone.

ceebie Wed 17-Feb-16 12:51:23

The first thing to do is to hang up the phone and not listen to any of that.

Yes, change numbers. i think you can bar numbers from calling your phone but they will just phone from a different phone so it would be better to change your number.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 17-Feb-16 12:52:18

flowers for you, big hugs. I would delete her off my phone, e mails, etc and do not engage. If you see her number pop up, do not answer it. If you have to, change your number so that she does not have it. If your ex wants contact, he can go through the courts.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 17-Feb-16 12:53:20

If they come to your address, I would contact the Police, harassment and all that.

Arfarfanarf Wed 17-Feb-16 12:53:55

Do you think they will show up on your doorstep? If not then yes, either change numbers or invest in bt call guardian if this is your landline you are talking about. Callers have to announce their name and you can simply reject the call and block the number.

If mobile then yes, change it or screen all calls.

If you know they cannot phone you and actually get through, then that may give you peace of mind.

If you get any letters that look like they might be from them, ask a friend to open them.

get a new email account if they know your current one.

If you think that they may show up on your doorstep and if that is affecting your mental wellbeing then tbh I would move if at all possible.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 17-Feb-16 12:59:51

Change your number.

If they speak to you in public walk on past.

Ignore all the time.

If they persist call the police 101 and report.

Well done for leaving an abuser


TheCatsMeow Wed 17-Feb-16 13:01:04

They're not likely to turn up because they don't live near me, but they're likely to send me stuff. The guardian phone is a good idea

Arfarfanarf Wed 17-Feb-16 13:03:52

It's really useful. I now never get calls I don't want.

If they live far off, then you can check by postmark if it's something that's likely to be from them and pass it on to someone else for opening.

You shouldn't have to leave with this fear. thanks

ceebie Wed 17-Feb-16 13:03:55

Also, delete your Facebook account (assuming you have one). If you really want to have a Facebook account, set one up under a different name, don't post any photos, and only friend people who have no contact with your ex. Ditto for other social media.

TheCatsMeow Wed 17-Feb-16 13:09:04

My Facebook is under a different name and very private.

Didn't think of checking the postmark.

This has really unsettled me, I already feel guilty for stopping my ex seeing DS but I have to put DS first and until he can talk and tell me if his dad is kicking off I don't think it's safe

spanky2 Wed 17-Feb-16 13:12:20

Also put it in writing that they are not to allow access to your ds at school. Leave a photo of them and ask for dinner ladies to also be informed. Also put it in writing that ds's name and image are not allowed to be used on any publications for school. Check school websites regularily. Ds2s stupid teacher has left photos of him online after I asked them to be removed. We've also moved house and had our names removed from electrol roll etc.

redexpat Wed 17-Feb-16 13:34:13

I would open the stuff they send when you are feeling strong. If they are threatening and or abusive then contact 101 for advice. You might be able to get an injunction or whatever they are called now. Perhaps try womens aid for advice too.

MadamDeathstare Wed 17-Feb-16 14:03:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Wed 17-Feb-16 14:06:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsMeow Wed 17-Feb-16 14:06:53

He's not on the birth certificate but there's no official record of it, other than my own counsellors when I've told them about it.

That's what I'm afraid of, that she'll stir it.

MadamDeathstare Wed 17-Feb-16 14:07:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatsMeow Wed 17-Feb-16 21:21:09

If I did want to use a contact centre how do I go about doing that, can I just ask for one?

TheCatsMeow Thu 18-Feb-16 12:12:49

Sorry to bump this but want some advice, exs mum is now just asking for photo updates not access. I sent her one to keep her quiet but I don't know whether this is a good idea or not?

I feel horrible stopping them seeing him but they're manipulative and abusive I don't know what to do.

Arfarfanarf Thu 18-Feb-16 12:22:41

On the face of it it sounds reasonable but ime with such people every request granted leads to another and another because its about control.

I would get that call guardian asap. Get an email address that you will use just for them. Block all other forms of contact.

Tbh id probably send them a photo of a model off the internet that looked similar enough and never send them a pic of my actual child but im a cow.

PovertyPain Thu 18-Feb-16 12:29:04

I honestly wouldn't respond, including sending photos, because you're opening the door to them continually contacting you. If the fucker wants contact, let him go to court for it.

Pseudo341 Thu 18-Feb-16 12:32:22

I wouldn't go organizing any contact or sending photos. You don't owe these people anything and you owe it to yourself and your son to keep you both safe. It seems like you've got them at a reasonable distance at the moment, if you let them get closer it will be harder to get rid of them again. This woman shouldn't be allowed near your DS after the way she's spoken to you, how do you think she'll be speaking to him when he's old enough to understand? Is moving house an option? I really think a complete vanishing act is your best bet if you can manage it.

Sighing Thu 18-Feb-16 12:33:16

Definitely get her / him reduced to either completely blocked or only through one means of communication if you plan on allowing access/ arrangemenys (such as a different phone you switch off when not expecting to make plans). Due to his abuse and not being on birth certificate though he'll surely have to prove paternity first.
As for her "evidence" my ex still keeps a batch of emails he intends to show our daughters (apparently). I have never reacted to his claims etc. One day I might have a difficult conversation with them and I will point them to people they trust who were there at the time. I try not to worry. Logically they have no reason to mistrust me/ will have little interest in why, when i have always answered their questions with age appropriate honesty.

TheCatsMeow Thu 18-Feb-16 12:51:57

Arf thanks, that's what I'm afraid of because usually when ive tried to be nice they start taking the piss.

TheCatsMeow Thu 18-Feb-16 13:29:49

I can't move atm, I ideally wouldn't facilitate any contact but I'm really scared they'll turn it on me and try to make him think I did this out of me being nasty (which is stupid, if ex p was responsible I'd be happy to have 1/4 weekends off or something! Why would I make it harder for myself unless there was a need?!).

She tried to say exp was afraid I'd be violent towards him (6"3 martial artist exp vs skinny 125lb Cat who can't even lift the babyseat, yeah I'm really going to fight him aren't I...) and so I'm scared she'll try and claim I'm unfit to take care of DS, again bullshit but it worries me

ManneryTowers Thu 18-Feb-16 13:37:38

Please don't send any photos of your precious DS. These people are abusive - why expose even a fragment of your DS to that?
Change your mobile number. Change your landline number. Change your email. Carefully check the postmark of any any post you receive and any you aren't sure of ask a trusted friend to open and then dispose of unread by you if necessary. Invest in a spyhole and chain for your front door. You don't ever have to open it if you don't want to and the police will attend if they won't leave your doorstep.
Cut off every avenue from these people. Close it all off and don't look back. It's the only way to escape it. They don't deserve any part of your DS and it is your job to protect him. Any threats they make about 'keeping records' are just to rile you.
Sorry this is such a blunt and long post but I feel so strongly about it.

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