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AIBU funeral flowers

(24 Posts)
Abigailsfarty Wed 17-Feb-16 10:40:49

Hi. Need some perspective on this. Dh's beloved nan has died quite suddenly. He hadn't mentioned flowers so I suggested something simple and elegant. We can't afford to spend loads and I think what I have in mind is thoughtful and appropriate.

I've found out that dh's dsis is going to add our names to the flowers from her family (sil, bil, 2 dc).

She has form for being bossy and controlling over dh, acts more like his mum, but now we're married I feel if she's trying to control him, she's controlling me, and I don't like to be controlled by anyone. It also feels a little like she doesn't think our flowers are good enough.

I've asked him to let her know we have our own flowers (which I think she is aware of) and she doesn't need to put our names on hers. AIBU? Should I just let it lie, given the circumstances? I feel quite strongly about it, but I admit to being pig-headed and I don't want to make a fuss if I should really just ignore it.

Fratelli Wed 17-Feb-16 10:42:42

I think it's your dh's nan so let him decide.

CooPie10 Wed 17-Feb-16 10:44:48

I think you need to be a bit more considerate to their family now. You can make a point another time, but now don't add unnecessary issues on your Dh.

gymboywalton Wed 17-Feb-16 10:45:10

i think you should let it lie
their nan has died

this is the worst time to make any kind of stand over anything

you haven't actually bought the flowers, she may feel that joint flowers seem more loving

just go along with whatever they all want

liz70 Wed 17-Feb-16 10:45:51

I'd be inclined to let it go. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Abigailsfarty Wed 17-Feb-16 10:46:16

That's enough to tell me what I need to do. Especially the comment about it being his nan. Will let it lie. Thanks all.

FuckyNell Wed 17-Feb-16 10:46:47

Well look at it as a job you don't have to do? I'm all for a scrap but I think even I would just let this go and let her sort it out.

almostthirty Wed 17-Feb-16 10:47:21

We've always done group closes for family funerals e.g.all grandchildren buy together (all adults), all children buy together etc. This way it made it easier to afford the big displays eg nan and mum written in flowers. It really isn't uncommon to buy together. Yabu a little as its your dh's nan so he should decide what he wants to do.
Sorry for your loss flowers

MissBattleaxe Wed 17-Feb-16 10:47:52

Let this one go. It's nice to have flowers with all the grandchildrens' names on. Pick your battles. Bossy can also mean organsied.

VertigoNun Wed 17-Feb-16 10:47:56

It is hard for you, well done for letting it slide this time.

almostthirty Wed 17-Feb-16 10:48:20

Closes = flowers

deepdarkwood Wed 17-Feb-16 10:48:26

I would let this one go - now isn't the time to fight long running battles. If it will help your dh, do your flowers too - but I'd let him choose (it may not feel important to him, or it might) and not in any way make it into an issue.

Katenka Wed 17-Feb-16 10:48:49

Definitely the right thing to let this go OP. If you make a stand over this and causes an argument, you will be the one that a used all the stress at this difficult time.

deepdarkwood Wed 17-Feb-16 10:49:15

x-post. Hope the funeral goes well.

Owllady Wed 17-Feb-16 10:49:59

Did it at least make you feel better writing it down? smile

BlueMoonRising Wed 17-Feb-16 10:51:11

Totally get where you are coming from, but in this particular instance you have made the right decision. smile

Abigailsfarty Wed 17-Feb-16 10:56:19

Owllady, writing it down made me feel like I was being unreasonable, but still unsure. Definitely made me feel better about myself that I'm making the right decision to not say anything. Before it would have stewed, but now I'm at peace with the world!

Owllady Wed 17-Feb-16 11:06:02

Good smile

liz70 Wed 17-Feb-16 11:09:01

Knowing when to put ones personal frustrations and grievances aside is a mark of wisdom and maturity. smile I hope it all goes well at the funeral. flowers

gasman Wed 17-Feb-16 11:15:15

We had a lot of discussion over what type of flowers for my Gran (trad stuck in foam or more organic hand tied) but generally only have one boquet in our family.

We have unfortunarely had a bad run with elderly relatives dying over the last couple of years - so children, grandchildren pick and pay for flowers everyone else donates to charity in lieu of buying flowers - once the service is over they just get thrown away.

I wasn't pleased (but unusually didn't say anything) when one branch of the family ignored this at my Gran's funeral and sent a wreath which was somewhat incongruous alongside the sheaf of wild scottish flowers we had finally settled on!

JenEric Wed 17-Feb-16 11:26:56

We always do group flowers. When my gran died flowers were from all kids and grandkids (organised by my uncle) then we asked for donations in lieu of flowers from others. This is our family tradition.

JenEric Wed 17-Feb-16 11:27:27

Let it go btw just smile and say thanks and support your DH.

JenEric Wed 17-Feb-16 11:28:00

Your decision is wise.

smallplainblonde Wed 17-Feb-16 11:42:35

Hi OP, I think you are right to just let it go. My nan died last week and my brothers and I really pulled together as a group and supported each other. This may be what your SIL is trying to do, she probably doesn't realise she is being controlling. Sorry for your loss, it's a hard time flowers

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