Am I being unrealistic on a new future?(13 Posts)
DH had an affair. I kicked him out. Divorce 99.99999% likely.
But in the months since he has left I have been happier. I miss having a husband/partner and the DC (2 & 5) miss having their dad at home but they very rarely ask where he is. And after a few Relate sessions I have found myself realising that he was a controlling emotionally abusive arsehole of the first degree. That the signs were there from when the DC were born and have slowly been getting worse. He was beginning to be quite financially controlling as well with justification needed for even the smallest purchases.
But I HATE BEING SINGLE. < Like so so so so so much
I miss sex, miss adult company, miss having someone to eat with, miss all sorts of things from the marriage. How the heck do I meet someone new? I work (2-3 days), I study (almost completed PhD), I am mum 24/7 except for the 4 hours he has them (there is good reason for this which I won't go into but for now that is all he and they can cope with).
Please can I hear some happy stories of how people met their OHs when they already had young children and stayed together - or am being totally unrealistic in my expectations? I am 38 FWIW, and would have dearly loved a third child (we weren't avoiding another when he cheated) - the dating sites in our region (rural) don't exactly fill me with promise!
It's only been a few months, you need to give yourself some time to adjust.
It's going to be a long process and I would really try not to jump into anything just yet
Just wanted to say you sound great. Hard-working, intelligent, caring and strong. You have a job, attend university and have young kids - so you're going to meet a lot of people. Good luck.
The happy stories is what I'm after - knowing that there light at the end of the tunnel will help me muddle through.
Strong - no, there are still some tears most days - resilient yes
Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with in the last few months. I would just take your time and work through everything that's happened.
It's a shock to realise you've been in and abusive relationship. It all take time to cover from. Most importantly, you want to ensure you don't repeat the same mistake and rush in to a relationship with another abusive twat (speaks from experience).
Work on your self esteem, enjoy your achievements and try not to focus on 'being single'.
My mum was in a similar position, left an abusive relationship when she had a 14 month baby and was pregnant with her second child. She very quickly met and eventually married a lovely man who then adopted my sister and I. They had a wonderful relationship until his untimely death 28 years later. So yes, happy ever after second time around can and does happen.
A few years ago my sister left her partner of 10 years because he was emotionally abusive, financially controlling and was also having an affair. They had two children together who were aged 5 and 7 when she left him.
To cut a long story short she made a new future for herself, found somewhere for her and the children to live (rented) and she is now engaged to a wonderful man.
She worked full time, had the children full time and she met the man through online dating. He also had two children of his own and had been through a divorce.
My sister is so, so happy and they have united to make a new little family. Things probably seemed very bleak for my sister when she left her partner but those days are long behind her now and she is truly happy.
The children see their dad maybe one weekend a month. They don't particularly want to see him anymore than that anyway.
You will be fine
I left my abusive relationship years ago when I was still pg. I think it's a good idea to take time after bad relationships to heal and spend time being single, just having yourself and your dc to think about and not another adult. After an abusive relationship your red flag detectors will be wonky and you're vulnerable to meeting men who are keen to exploit the situation.
I met DH when DD was 8 years old, I had a good few years of enjoying the single life and I wouldn't have wanted to settle down any earlier. No need to tie yourself down with a full-on relationship just for the sex, meals out etc - dating can be lots of fun without the hassle of living together and the complications of blended families. DH and I have been together for 9 years now and we're very happy together, he takes full responsibility of DD as his own and doesn't treat her differently to the dc we have together. We met through a shared hobby which I started doing just for me, not something I took up just to meet a partner.
I am in a fairly similar situation, apart from the adultery and obviously some other details. Splitting up with x, happy to be doing so, got young kids etc. We are about the same age .
I am thinking that if I eventually meet someone new it will in all likelihood be through work. You have work, and studying, so every possibility of meeting someone new in the course.
Personally I'm not in a hurry to meet someone else as I feel I "settled" the last time and only want to consider being with someone really special.
I can think of lots of people I know in your position, who have gone on to form happy relationships after divorce with young children - but can I just say, the 'I hate being single' thing suggests you really aren't anywhere near ready to start dating again. Don't panic about it never happening, but take your time. Work on liking being single. Count your freedoms. Lurching back into a rebound relationship simply because you miss the companionship of your marriage and fear you'll never find another relationship would be a bad move.
OP I agree with PP saying hang on for a while longer before jumping into something new. It could work perfectly as some have testified to, but it could also make you less picky about who you choose and why, IYSWIM.
In the meantime, concentrate of doing the very best for your DCs and yourself. Readjust slowly but surely to being a family without your ex. Create a new normal that you are happy with. This will make you stronger when you do meet someone, and you will know what will work for you and what won't.
I'm in a generally happy relationship post-separation, and my new DP is perfect for me in so many ways, but we did get together fairly quickly (few months, similar to you) and we do sometimes have to back track over things we thought we could take for granted. I sometimes have to remind myself not to lose myself or my own family unit too quickly, and to ensure that if/when we move in together or get married, that it will be an even and equal collaboration. I couldn't do this if I jumped in for the wrong reasons. I would have been happy for someone to 'fix' my situation, but then when I was stronger, would have come out fighting for my own say on things, and doing that later rather than sooner is tricky.
Make really sure you know what your new normal is before you do that, or you might get lost in someone else's.
Having said all that, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel if that's what you want! Maybe just browse online dating apps for a while to see what you can learn.
I do hate being single. I remember taking a time out when I was younger pre DH and had 18 months of no dating. I definitely became more comfortable with solitary life but the vices I enjoyed then (drinking, smoking and staying out to the early hours at gigs) are not ones I can indulge in now!
For now I am finishing off the jobs around the house and getting a planting plan drawn up for the next season - changes in the house and garden seem to be an opportunity for positivity.
I just want to know its possible - to find out where people found these post separation/divorce people.
I heard today that my ex is going around telling people he didn't have an affair; that he and I simply fell out of love.
Anymore happy stories? I'm all out of wine and chocolate
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