Long back story but AIBU?!(23 Posts)
Ok, so, last year I had DS. I had a horrific pregnancy and spent most of my time in hospital. DM never bothered to come and visit and my dad came to visit me once with my nephew. I didn't think much of this at the time and felt lucky as DP, MIL and FIL came to visit etc
My DM and dad booked a holiday , knowing when my due date was and that DM wanted to be at the birth, again all fine. DS had other ideas and came whilst they were on holiday - MIL and DP were with me and was an easy birth just a bit traumatic as DS was small, born in meconium and ended up in NICU for a week but also had support of MIL, FIL, DP, my auntie and my cousin again, all fine.
DP made a comment that MIL and FIL were, and I don't really blame them, a bit annoyed at the fact my family hadn't really bothered but I chose to shrug it off!
So my DM and dad arrive back from holiday and wait 2 days before coming to see me and DS (DP was unable to take any time off work but MIL was off work as she had an operation and was such a great help and would pop down everyday for a cuddle with DS so I could have a bath etc). When they came over, MIL went home , but my DM says she felt this was rude and put out by this (I can't see why - she was just trying to give them their time with my DS) anyway that was that.
DS was really poorly for the first 12 weeks and we were in and out of hospital was a really frightening time. On his first admission, I had called my parents and was obviously upset etc but explained I would update them in the morning (and thank you if you are still reading this!) I can remember calling my DM, who had also plastered over Facebook about how concerned she was, and she said she had taken then day off work. Great, I thought she would be coming to see DS and Me but no, she had taken then day off (and in her own words) because she was tired from being awake all night with worry (quite how she felt me and DP were feeling god only knows) again I let this slide and didn't think too much of it as MIL and SIL had both been down to sit with us and provide support/coffees etc!
I did offer to go and pick my mum up and bring her down but she said it would remind her too much of seeing her own DM in hospital when she was dying.
So 7 hospital admissions later she phoned to see how Her DGS was and I , rightly or wrongly, went off on one about how I was very upset she hadn't been there for me or DS her reply - she has depression and it's ok for me as I still have my mum so I wouldn't know what it's like to lose one - I then replied that it felt like I didn't have one because she hasn't been there - que threats to go and kill herself etc etc! Me and DP removed her off Facebook also to let all the dust settle and so we didn't have to see any more 'attention sealing' status updates (don't get me wrong I also suffer from depression so I know too well how much of a real illness it is but I don't understand her obsession with Facebook!)
now my brother and I aren't particularly close but I even had a chat with him and he explained how he had expressed his concerns to DM about how she should be there (even if it only ment meeting me for a coffee for support and not seeing DGS if that was too much).
Anyway, fast forward another 5 months , she still doesn't make an effort with DGS all her efforts are concentrated on her other DGS (who she also mostly looks after whilst my DB works and things) which is fine I don't have a problem with that and it's also always me that makes the effort to go over and see them but, when I popped in last week, a comment about me using them for a babysitting service (they have never had DS on their own for any length of time) and it's been bugging me ever since!!
There is also a bigger back story to this, such as the time my dad gave me a cheque for a birthday for £500 (I thought that was fab!) but he had to point out and apologise it wasn't as much as my DB had because they had to spend some of it on house repairs!
I know this probably seems really pathetic but it's grating on me that it's always me that has to make all the effort and I think what's the point?!? I have also just found out I'm pregnant again, which I am thrilled with, but concerned that I won't have their support again especially when DM first comment was 'can't you keep your knickers on for 5 minutes' and ' I suppose you have already lost two so you may as well keep this one', So AIBU To stop making as much of an effort? Part of me thinks I should go NC but I'm not sure!
Thanks again for reading btw
She sounds truly awful I would step away and focus on the loving kind family for have forged for yourself. Congratulations on the new baby. My dm is like this the 'can't keep your knickers on' comment could have been her you don't need that in your life you do need your mil/fil/dh who sound lovely.
Yanbu to stop making an effort. She sounds horrendous. Stop bothering honestly, you aren't going to get the support you're looking for.
I'm always of the opinion that you only get one mum and dad, so it's important to try to maintain a healthy relationship with them.
You've done this and got nothing but aggravation and childish behaviour in return.
Certainly pull back-don't extend invitations, don't call/text-see if-when they come to you. You need to prepare to be disappointed and be made the villain.
Rise above it and if you're asked why you are distant, be completely honest. If they want a positive relationship with you and their GCs, then they need to grow up a bit.
I think I wouldn't bother with your side of the family tbh. Sounds like the ILs are very supportive and helpful. Focus on them.
What does she mean about "lost two already"? If you've suffered miscarriage or stillbirth that is an absolutely awful, flippant, insensitive way for her to bring it up.
What does she mean about "lost two already"? If you've suffered miscarriage or stillbirth that is an absolutely awful, flippant, insensitive way for her to bring it up
^^ This. That's an horrific thing to say. Focus on your in laws.
Yes I had an abortion when I was 19 (not a decision on taken lightly) and. A miscarriage before DS! I wouldn't dream of making a comment like that to anyone not even to my worst enemy!
You can't change her, you can change how you react to her.
Read back through your post and imagine treating your child that way.
Step back, focus on your family (and lovely in laws) and let her get on with being the family drama queen. Every family has one.
I would step back as well. Let her do the running and your stress will ease hugely.
Congratulations and I'm so glad you have amazing in laws. Focus on them.
Oh Glitter, how absolutely awful of her! You poor thing
She sounds utterly horrible. I'm glad you have support from your MIL and FIL, I'd leave your DM to it.
I can't believe that you were going to allow that vile woman at your sons birth. She sounds incredibly self-centered. I don't think I'd go no contact but I'd certainly stop making an effort and wait for them to contact you, you've made waaaay more effort than I would have already.
She sounds awful. For your own wellbeing, step away from her. No matter how hard you try she will never be there for you and your children. Your in-laws sound brilliant.
I would mentally downgrade them to a distant Aunt and Uncle. Your heart can't help but hope one day they will be normal loving parents and grandparents.
They're not. They will never be. They are nasty fuckers. If you can't bear to go No Contact (and you don't sound there at all) try and change your relationship with them in your mind. Downgrade them to distant cousins, old work colleagues. Whatever works for you. If they want to pop round for a visit, fine. If you don't tell them you're in hospital, who gives a shit. They'd be last on my list of people to update.
Step away from her - and give your MIL a huge hug and tell her how much you appreciate her and everything she has done for you.
Whatever you do, in her eyes it will be wrong. So do whats best for you and your new family. You will never be able to please her. If you do step back and not bother to invite her, etc, I would expect pa comments about never visiting and maybe some sort of health condition will crop up to try and reel you back in. I'm not surprised you have depression if you get put down and trodden over all the time.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Your Mum sounds horrible
Congrats on your pregnancy
My honest initial reaction is What a Fucking Bitch
I would bet my last penny that she has always been like this, however it's only now when you see how a 'normal' family react and support that somewhere in your subconscious alarm bells are ringing.
Take a step back and think what joy/support does she bring to your life? Being a Mother/Father/Brother/Sister does not give you the right to act like a dick
Thankyou to be honest I think I've always known she's been a bit odd but writing it down and seeing how other families behave I've come to realise it's not normal ! I definitely don't want that for my own family
Congratulations on your pregnancy op!
It sounds like you're starting to realise that your Mum isn't the woman she should be. I hope you can come to terms with the fact that she probably never will be.
My advice is to allow yourself a little bit of time to come to terms with this - to grieve in a sense. You are allowed to feel sad about it.
Then I'd recommend starting to think like GloGirl suggested. She isn't going to be the supportive mother you deserve to have and if you stop expecting her to be what she can't or wont be, it may start to hurt less.
You MIL sounds nice though, maybe get her some too!
Also have a read of the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, there's lots of supportive people there who have parents who are what you might call "less than ideal".
What GloGirl said.
They'll never be nice normal loving parents and grandparents. For your mum, it's all about her isn't it? Another narcissistic mother! I really feel for you, this is hurtful.
Keep her at a distance where she can't hurt you or your family any more. You won't miss her if she's only interested in herself, which she clearly is.
It does hurt and I've always grown up knowing that no matter what I do it is never good enough for her! I even spoke to my uncle and he was and is fully prepared to disown her! All she ever speaks about is my brother never about me! She kitted out my brothers flat when he moved in and even though I've recently moved I've had nothing - but I'm of the opinion at least I can say I've purchased everything myself! Sorry rant over I need to draw a line as I won't ever be able to move forward if I keep looking back! As a positive, she's taught me how not to be a mother
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