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I know it was just an oversight...

(53 Posts)
vvviola Mon 15-Feb-16 23:42:36

... but AIBU to think that after almost 4 years you should remember what your granddaughter is allergic to?

(Sorry MIL related)

Package arrived from MiL for DC today. A few toys and sweets. Lovely. Really appreciated and it's nice that she made the effort to send something for them because she knows they love getting it.

But she sent chocolate for DD2. Who is allergic to dairy. MIL knows this. We lived near her and visited relatively often for 3 years. She saw all the anxiety at the beginning, watched me read every label.

I know it was just an oversight, and I won't make a big deal of it, but seeing DD2's face wobble when she told me "Nana sent us a present but I couldn't eat the chocolates" just made me very sad.

It's not the first time she has sent something a bit inappropriate (Christmas was two giant motion operated wall hangings of dinosaur/lion heads - we live in a very small rented property), but I thought she might at least remember not to send chocolate.

AIBU to be a bit exasperated?

(Ranting on here so I don't rant to DH about it. I know she meant well...)

MattDillonsPants Tue 16-Feb-16 01:29:00

Don't sweat the small things. My own Mother does similar all the time and it comes from a place of love but she just forgets things or gets carried away.

I just thank her. Next time, open the parcel yourself and remove any chocolate.

Monty27 Tue 16-Feb-16 01:48:08

How old is MIL? Not that it really matters. She was probably just being nice. Really. Thank her and say no more.

BeeppityBeep Tue 16-Feb-16 01:55:10

It was an oversight. Try to encourage your DD not to get upset by it and remind your MIL next time you see her. (Or better still get your DH or your DD to do it instead)

I think yabu to be bothered about this wobbly lips or not wink

Monty27 Tue 16-Feb-16 01:59:08

As Beep says. and eat the chocolate yourself

AGrinWithoutACat Tue 16-Feb-16 04:35:56

You can but hope - DS is dairy intolerant but at 9 better able to cope with the random presents he cannot eat. What I always did though was keep a stash of dairy free chocolate and he knew I would always swap anything he couldn't eat, now he randomly gives the chocolate/cakes etc to me/DH/his sister and doesn't ask for an alternative (still gets one though for being so sweetsmile)

TisIthecat Tue 16-Feb-16 07:04:42

Mil has done similar here too. Mind you, one year she send dc1 a chocolate advent calendar. She remembered that dc2 couldn't have dairy chocolate so she sent him nothing. At all. I was really cross. You can buy df advent calendars in sainsbury or a non -chocolate one would have been great. Having remembered she could so easily have been kind.

vvviola Tue 16-Feb-16 07:17:48

To be fair, DD was ok about it after a while (bribery with haribo). I think it was the fact that she was upset at all that got me - she's usually so good (spent ages with my Mum in the supermarket pointing out all the Easter eggs that her sister could have, never even mentions herself; has gone to birthday parties and eaten only what is in her little lunch box and not been bothered about the treats the other kids were having).

I won't be having a go, or dwelling on it (much!). I suppose the wobbly lips just tugged at the heart strings a bit, and it just felt a bit careless of MIL.

(She's not elderly by the way - early 60s and still working a full time job)

SmoresCheesecake Tue 16-Feb-16 07:21:47

Was the chocolate intended for your DD, or was it for the sibling?

CooPie10 Tue 16-Feb-16 07:31:10

It's just an oversight, Yabu. Dh is diabetic and I sometimes forget this and offer him sweet stuff, it happens. Just don't dwell on it with your dd and she'll soon forget it.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Tue 16-Feb-16 07:39:16

My in laws do the same. They know ds2 has a nut allergy but keep giving the same brand of hazlenut chocolate to the kids. It drives me mad as it's so dangerous but thankfully ds1 always checks and ds2 has learned to always check everything as well.
I know the ils don't mean it as they absolutely adore their grand kids and are always buying them gifts, giving us money to buy things for them and spending lots if time with them. They're just scatty and maybe don't get allergies or something.

liinyo Tue 16-Feb-16 07:48:32

If she is anything like my Mum and in laws she will probably never remember. Not because they don't care, but because they are of a generation that doesn't really understand allergies so we (and as they grew up, the DDs)had to be vigilant checking for nuts in gifts from both sides of the family.

As well as allergies I have one DD who has been a veggie since she was 7 (so for over 15 years). My MIL has been offering her ham sandwiches/sausage rolls on a weekly basis that entire time and is always surprised when she declines. Not because she is unloving (or at least, I don't think she is) but because she is from a generation when food and money were scarce and so to offer meat seems generous and loving to her. I also think she cannot comprehend the concept of someone voluntarily cutting out a major food group, and is hoping DD will change her mind, something I have a sneaking sympathy for.

It is sad your daughter was upset but you did the right thing. You are showing your child that an otherwise loving relationship can survive a certain level of mistakes and unwitting thoughtlessness.

The wall hangings sound totally hideous and made me laugh. Are you going to have to keep them and display them next time she visits? Like we did with doorbell that played tunes?

ovenchips Tue 16-Feb-16 08:04:54

I think it's hard for you to take as she saw at close hand how your daughter having the allergy affected you all, the worry at the beginning and the getting to grips with making sure your daughter didn't inadvertently eat dairy. It was a big deal.

She's now done a kind thing but it hurts because it feels like she's forgotten the tough time you went through.

You know rationally it was just an oversight and isn't a big deal. She hasn't forgotten what you went through, she's just made a cock-up when she's bought the chocolate. But I think your feelings are taking you right back to the worry. It's only natural.

But as a PP said, you have a great reason to have the unsuitable choc for yourself!

pictish Tue 16-Feb-16 08:06:17

I agree that relationships have to be able to survive little oversights. Your mil was well-intentioned and meant no harm.

LittleCandle Tue 16-Feb-16 08:06:32

My late MIL never understood DD1's allergies. She was annoyed that we would never eat at her house, but since she refused to eat chicken(chickens were too dirty in their habits to make them safe for eating hmm) and only ever had steak or mince (pork was common and gammon wasn't really food shock) we couldn't go, as DD1 is allergic to all red meats. It really annoyed me that she couldn't make a bit of an effort.

Having said that, XH also couldn't be bothered to remember most of the time and even thought there was some sort of magic bullet that suspended allergies on Christmas Day! (Why can't DD have smarties on Christmas Day? Because they will kill her on that day, same as any other!) It is ultra frustrating when family members forget. I think I would probably mention that your DD was disappointed that she couldn't have the chocolate - but try and do it nicely.

vvviola Tue 16-Feb-16 08:07:05

I don't know Liinyo, we are looking into moving into a bigger place soon, and then I won't have the excuse of nowhere to put them. I suspect we'll have to put them up then. unless they meet a mysterious accident in the move

I think the irritating part is she has remembered before. Every time we used to visit she would fuss around the kitchen asking me if what she was cooking was ok.

It was definitely for DD2, it had her name on it (and DD1 had some with her name on it).

Anyway, no harm done, other than brief irritation on my part and a bit of a sad face from DD. We'll survive.

pictish Tue 16-Feb-16 08:08:06

Yes, you will.

BackInTheRealWorld Tue 16-Feb-16 08:09:06

The dinosaur heads sound AWESOME!

vvviola Tue 16-Feb-16 08:09:21

ovenchips, you've nailed it. That's exactly it.

vvviola Tue 16-Feb-16 08:11:13

Would you like them BackInTheRealWorld? Free to a good home? (May have small children attached to them...)

(I'm not really that mean, by the way, Nana gave them, so they will stay until DC have completely lost interest or they break)

Londonista Tue 16-Feb-16 08:12:18

YABU in as much as most of us have experienced our parents or ILs being a bit daft this way.

However, I have BAGS of sympathy for you, dairy is a hard one for kids. My son, 7, has had an allergy to sesame since birth, and yet MIL says to me every time she cares for him "is he still allergic to sesame". Err ... yes, yes he is. Doesn't stop her trying to feed him both hummus and halva all the time, despite knowing full well they contained sesame "I thought it was just the seed!". It is deeply trying, I agree. Fortunately my husband has zero patience for her, and just unloads a short and to-the-point reply, in the way you can only do if it's your own mum.

It doesn't help that many grandparents see food allergies as just some new-wave fad spread by overfussy, helicopter parents. It feels very real when your child is covered by huge welts and is writhing in agony (which MIL witnessed last year, and still thinks it's just us making a fuss!).

ScarletForYa Tue 16-Feb-16 08:17:59

Oh dear. She could have been distracted or had something on her mind. I once sent my pregnant friend champagne for her Birthday. I forgot she was pregnant. I can't explain why. A mistake.

She'd probably be mortified when she realizes.

vvviola Tue 16-Feb-16 08:18:54

Yes it was the "huge welts and writhing in agony" part that finally got DM onside - we put DD in a high chair without obsessively wiping it down - hives all over her arms, legs and face. She's a nurse so should have known better, but I think until she actually saw the reaction, she thought I was over-reacting.

We did have the "but a tiny bit of butter won't hurt, will it?" cpnversation a few times at the beginning with MiL - but DH dealt with that (as he had memories of the "just a tiny bit of meat is fine" conversation he had with her when he was veggie for a few years grin)

Iamnotloobrushphobic Tue 16-Feb-16 08:25:52

My mum works in catering, knows all about DS allergies and still makes mistakes. Fortunately I always check everything she (or anyone else) gives him as I don't fancy using an epipen and making a trip to the hospital. I don't get upset about it as she doesn't mean any harm.

acasualobserver Tue 16-Feb-16 08:27:44

There's a difference between giving offence and choosing to take it.

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