I know I am not but I need to rant about OH parents

[Cutecat78]

Stems from watching Royal Navy School.

OH parents are shit esp his mum who I haven't spoken to since she didn't bother to send him a 40th bday card.

He was sent to join the Navy aged 16 as he was far too much hassle, his mum had just had DC3 to keep his dad from his OW (who he is now happily with) and stopped his promising sporting career. He was in the way and felt it - his brother was sent to the army 2 yrs later.,

Navy has worked out well for him to be fair, he has got semblance of family, made over a 25 yr career.

Watching the passing out parade on the TV tonight, all the proud families.

No one was there to watch OH pass out because they "couldn't afford it". MIL was FILS "carer" for years and neither have ever had a paid job.

Over the years MIL has always texted OH when unable to pay bills and he has done this and then denied all knowledge.

I would turn up for a fucking swimming certificate for my DCs and clap the hardest.

ARGH just feel so for OH.

[BillSykesDog]

'Sending' him to join the navy does sound harsh, but it sounds like your MIL has been lead an absolute dog's life. I feel sorry for her. And in all honesty, if you can't afford, then you can't afford. And it sounds like with a new baby and no jobs that may well have been the case. It doesn't sound brilliant, but caring for someone who's cheating on you then dumped you and also a family, and struggling while skint too doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs either.

[Cutecat78]

She's a nasty mean cow.

She is now in her 50s and her DD lives with her and supports her I honestly cannot stand the women.

There is not a nice bone in her body.

[BlueMoonRising]

Wow, she must have had your DH very young.

It sounds like she's had a tough old time of it, having to care for her husband who was having an affair, having children at a young age.

Maybe she feels a bit grumpy because she missed out on living a life rather than being responsible for others.

[Cutecat78]

She has every chance to live her life now and doesn't.

She has NEVER had a job. She still has OH on her council tax bill so she could get a reduction (AFAIK- he's on mine so?) and she got half of the payout from the martial home and has spent it on rent because she will not get a job.

She has not had it hard at all believe me.

She couldn't even be arsed to post a card to her eldest child on his 40th, he other son doesn't speak to her either.

[Hihohoho1]

Sounds like she had a hard row to hoe and your dh and his siblings suffered as a result.

Fil sounds a cunt!

I think you need to move on.

[BlueMoonRising]

Cutecat

She was a teenage mum (presumably), and spent the next, what, 30? years looking after her husband and her children.

What job is she likely to get after not working all her life?

What experiences does she have that allow her freedom to live a life of her choosing?

You seem very lacking in empathy.

I can't see how having an extra person in the house would result in a reduction of council tax. You get a reduction if you live alone.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

She did encourage him into a career that "has worked out well for him".

I wouldn't imagine that it's that easy to just send a 16 year old off to join the Navy ... I thought there was a proper recruitment process and that they wouldn't just take anybody (even 25 years ago).

It is a shame that he missed out on a promising sporting career, however. Was there no opportunity to use that particular talent in the Navy? (Sorry, that sounds quite flippant, but it's a genuine question ... I had a relative who had a particular and outstanding sporting talent, who competed to world level while actually in service).

[BackforGood]

So he joined when he was 16, has had over 25 yrs in the navy (so has to be 42 +) and his Mum is still in her 50s ??
She must have been very young when she had both him and her dc2. I'm guessing not an easy life from what you have posted. Maybe she realised that the armed forces would be a good opportunity for her boys?
Maybe she didn't realise the significance of a passing out parade?
Seems a very odd thing for you to be harbouring resentment over this many years later.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Watching the passing out parade on the TV tonight, all the proud families"

Just noticed this. I thought you said your OH had been in the Navy 25 years?

But his passing out parade was on TV tonight???

[Cutecat78]

She was 18.

I do not lack empathy at all.

FIL obvs made his mistakes too but he actually bothers with OH and visits now with SMIL (OW) and takes an interest in the Grandkids etc. He gave all 3 a little bit of money when the house sale went through and helped OH out last year with some money issues.

We only ever hear from MIL when she wants money - she has visited us once in 6 yrs and then we had to pay the petrol.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Oh, cancel my confusion! You weren't watching his passing out parade. You were watching a television program.

So BackforGood is right. You're harbouring resentment over something that happened (or didn't happen) many, many years before you even knew your OH.

Does seem odd.

[BillSykesDog]

No, it was an unrelated passing out parade on a TV show.

OP, unfortunately it's a sad fact of life that often nasty people are that way because they've had horrible lives themselves. That's why people often talk about cycles of abuse that get passed down in families.

My paternal Gran was an absolute bitch, but the product of a rotten and abusive childhood, an unhappy marriage and the loss of several children. She was very, very bitter and unhappy about life. When things like that happen it's not as easy as walking out the other end and everything being easy sunshine. It changes a person and their character, the way they perceive the world and relate to other people. Often it's damage which can never be undone. It might not make it any easier to cope with, but it does make it more understandable.

Anyway, you're wasting your time being angry about a past that you can't change. The important thing is that you and DH are happy now and he's moved on.

Can I ask you though OP, why do you seem to have no anger towards his father? It sounds to me like he behaved very badly towards his young wife and family, but you don't seem that bothered.

[PiperChapstick]

It sounds like your DH is very hurt and that you are also hurt on his behalf. YANBU. Not sending a birthday card? WTF!

Threads like this do make me smile though as it seems that people will clutch at any kind of straws to excuse bad behaviour!

[BlueMoonRising]

Piper, there is a difference between trying to see the potential reasons behind something and 'excusing it'.