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Are my parents unreasonable? And what do I do next?

(386 Posts)
deerman Mon 15-Feb-16 20:50:49

Sorry a bit of background here.

My mum has never really liked my DW. When they first met long before we married my mum was very nice to her. But as time went on she became less comfortable with DW being around. I asked her about this and my mum says that at first she thought I was only dating my wife to get ahead in my career but now she could see that I loved her she thought I could do better. DW is always pleasant towards my mum. We only see my parents once a year now as they live far away we don't keep in contact only on birthdays and Christmas when I call them.

So my DW had our DD a couple of weeks ago. DD was a bit early and the labour was very traumatic for dw who had to have an emergency c-section in the end. But both did very well and they came home today.

So after the birth I video called my parents to tell them DD had been born and told them her name etc. My mum was upset that I hadn't called earlier when dw was in labour. I explained that there was no time beforehand and she quickly moved the conversation on to when she could come and visit. I said I would tell her when but probably not for a few weeks and they would have to stay in a hotel which I would pay for. My mum was a bit upset and said she felt left out. I apologised but said that I wanted to spend time with DD as a family of 3 and get used to her before any visitors.

So last week the doctors said that if everything was good over the weekend then DW and DD could go home on Monday (today). I texted this news to my dad.

So today we got home and we had just sat down and suddenly there are my parents standing at the door complete with suitcases. DW and I were in shock. I let them in and asked them why they were here. My mum said that they assumed my text was an invitation to come over and stay.I said I didn't have a hotel for them or anything and my mum said it was too late now as they were here and they would have to stay with us if they couldn't find one.

They went and sat in the living room with dw and DD. Dw was holding DD and my mum started stood in front of them and started cooing right in DDs face. I told her to sit down which she did and I went online to look for a hotel for them.

My mum then started referring to DD by her middle name. I reminded her that DDs first name was X. But she then did it again. I told her again that DDs first name is X and she was using DDs middle name. My mum said that this was because she didn't like DDs first name because it was unusual (DDs first name is Welsh as is my wife and DDs middle name is a common name which a member of my family has). My dw told my mum that we liked the name and she explained the meaning behind it. My mum said fine then and sighed.

Then DD started crying so dw asked if my parents could leave while she fed DD. My mum stared muttering about coming all this way and not getting to hold her but they both left. But then as soon as dw said she was done my mum was in the room like a shot and she grabbed DD out of my dws arms and started kissing her and whispering to her she turned her back on all of us and cuddled DD.

I then found them a hotel and told them about it and said I was booking them a taxi. My mum said she was staying longer and started to cry. My dad asked if they could stay just an extra half an hour and they both turned to my dw and asked her again to stay longer. She said yes so I agreed as well and booked the taxi for half an hour later.

A few minutes later DD started crying in my mum's arms. My dw asked if she could have her back and my mum said no I want to hold her more you can have her all to yourself when I leave. I could see that dw was upset so I told my mum to give her DD which she reluctantly did.

DD settled and then my mum was on at dw asking for my dad to have a hold as he hadn't held DD yet. So we gave her to my dad and then my mum took her off him. DD started crying again and my mum started to shush her but used DDs middle name again.

Dw said sorry but DD is called x not by her middle name. My mum said that she was calling DD by her middle name and she couldn't see why we didn't give DD a first name from my family as my DWs family were all dead so DD wouldn't care about them or their culture anyway.

Dw asked for DD back now but my mum said no as she is the only grandparents DD has and DW has to learn to share. I told her to give DD back and I stood up and took her from my mum and gave her back to my wife.

I told my parents that their taxi was coming and they should wait outside. My mum went towards dw to kiss DD, as she did she whispered something which I couldn't hear and I got both my parents out the door and when I returned my wife was in tears. Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family. (Her family died in a tragic accident which was not my wife's fault at all)

A couple of hour ago my dad called. DW didn't want me to answer but I did anyway. He said that my mum had got carried away because she was upset that she wouldn't get much time with DD before they go home and could we just put up with them for the week and then they will go home and we won't see them for ages. He asked if I could do it for him as he wants to know his granddaughter before they leave and he loves her and us and wants to see her again and a couple more visits before they leave wouldn't be too much to ask as they had travelled a long way and didn't get a chance to take a picture. My mum was crying in the background. I said I would see what happens.

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them.

So now I don't know what to do. My mum was awful but they travelled here and they don't have pictures and my dad didn't even really get to hold her and they will probably turn up again this week and try and see DD again. I'm not sure what to do if they come here again.

DoreenLethal Mon 15-Feb-16 20:57:45

Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family.


What a charmer.

If this is true, you need to keep your batshit crazy parents away from your wife and child.

cheapandcheerful Mon 15-Feb-16 20:57:48

You need to protect your dw and dd from your mum.

DoreenLethal Mon 15-Feb-16 20:58:08


TheWitTank Mon 15-Feb-16 20:58:26

I wouldn't let your mum anywhere near after that vicious and cruel comment and her totally unreasonable behaviour. Send your dad some pictures and tell him he is welcome but that your mum's behaviour was not acceptable and you want an apology before considering another visit. Your poor wife.

timelytess Mon 15-Feb-16 20:59:09

Sometimes on MN, I read things I don't believe. Often, I believe things that aren't true.
If its true, no they can't come back or insist on contact. If they turn up, don't let them in. Let your wife decide, based on what she wants.

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 15-Feb-16 20:59:33

They behaved awfully. Completely disrespectful to you, your wife, and your DD. I would be having a long think before I let them around again.

RandomMess Mon 15-Feb-16 20:59:53

Blimey your parents are being completely unreasonable and you need to absolutely support and protect your DW at a very vulnerable time.

Your parents know it wasn't an invitation that's it their problem not yours...

lalalalyra Mon 15-Feb-16 21:00:18

Your mother gatecrashed your DW's first day home from hospital, called your DD by the wrong name, insulted your DW's family, refused to hand a newborn crying baby back and then told your wife she'd likely kill your DD...

And your question is "Are my parents being unreasonable?" not "How do I word the email making sure my mother knows she's not welcome here again?"

Your mother told her wife she killed her family ffs.

If you even contemplated telling your mother she could come around again this week then, if I were your wife, I'd tell you to fuck off home with them.

Seriously. Your mother told her wife she killed her family and said she'd do the same to your DD

That's not carried away. That's vicious and nasty and if you respect your wife at all then you make sure that someone as vile and nasty doesn't get near her while she recovers from the birth and gets to know your DD.

Stylingwax Mon 15-Feb-16 21:00:26

Your DW and DD come first. Sounds like your DW was brilliant in the situation and I agree that your parents are bat shit crazy and you should keep them away.

NeedACleverNN Mon 15-Feb-16 21:01:04

First of all well done for sticking up for your wife and making your mum give baby back and reinforcing her name etc,.but you need to tell her that her behaviour was out of order and if she can't behave she needn't bother coming round

nocabbageinmyeye Mon 15-Feb-16 21:01:47

What the actual fuck????

Hell would freeze over before your mother would ever see my child again. You should ring your Dad and tell him he is welcome but your mother is an evil cunt (I never use that word but she is exactly that) and she will never see any of you again for as long as the evil hag lives. Your poor dw

wtfisgoingonhere Mon 15-Feb-16 21:03:05

Wtaf???? I was expecting something bad but bloody hell that's ridiculous. I don't know about answering the phone but I certainly wouldn't answer the door to them. Turning up like that then acting like a spoilt child. Honestly words escape me

sheffieldsteeler Mon 15-Feb-16 21:03:39

Turns out my mum had told her that she didn't deserve DD but it didn't matter because she would probably kill DD just like she killed her family.

Really?!?! Has your mum got form for being this vicious to other people or is this behaviour reserved exclusively for your wife? Because as far as AIBU goes, you had me at 'and then they just turned up on the doorstep'. Everything she did subsequently is waaaaay beyond that.

Flossieflower01 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:04:10

If that's true you need to keep your wife and child away from your parents permenently!

PuntasticUsername Mon 15-Feb-16 21:04:12

Everything lalalalyra said. With bells on.

Shakey15000 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:04:18

Of course they're bloody unreasonable!

FetchezLaVache Mon 15-Feb-16 21:04:21

People who are carried away with emotion shout and bawl, they don't lean forward and whisper. Sorry, but you know damn well your mother was out of order and a nasty piece of work.

MissingPanda Mon 15-Feb-16 21:05:30

What you do is put your wife and child first. Tell your parents that until your mum apologises, changes her behaviour and shows both you and your wife some respect then she isn't welcome in your home.

Inertia Mon 15-Feb-16 21:06:14

You have to protect your wife.

There is no worse comment in the world that your mother could have made to your wife. In your shoes, I would never have any contact with your mother again.

Arfarfanarf Mon 15-Feb-16 21:06:39

Seriously? Your mum does all that and you dont know what to do?
If they punched your wife in the face would you be uming and ahing about how they'd come a long way?
What she said would have hit your wife harder than if your mum had knocked her teeth down her throat.
I think you need to find your anger and tell your mum she will not come near your family without a genuine apology andca total attitude adjustment and only then if your wifeis willing to accept that
And your dad needs to grow a pair. If he can defend her he's as bad as she is.
Your poor wife. What a wicked thing to say to her.

Gatehouse77 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:06:53

If that's what your mum said to your wife, I'd be inclined to send photos to your dad, then arrange to meet up with your dad, see how that goes and explain that your mum needs to earn your respect before you let her back in.

Because I couldn't respect anyone who could be so spiteful.

DartmoorDoughnut Mon 15-Feb-16 21:07:35

Fucking hell. Your poor wife went through a traumatic birth and surgery to be greeted by that bitch?!! The only thing you need to do is keep your mother away from your wife and daughter. Fair dos you stood up to her but she's a poisonous bitch.

nocabbageinmyeye Mon 15-Feb-16 21:08:04

No apology in the world will ever take that back. Your mother is clearly an evil manipulative witch. I'm not a violent person but she wouldn't have been leaving my house with having first gotten a good smack.

I agree with lalalalalyra I'd be packing your bags to go with them if you didn't make a massive stand and support me in never having your mother around me and my child.

I am honestly shocked and outraged on your dw's behalf.

How can you even consider seeing your mother again after her carry on?

ZiggyFartdust Mon 15-Feb-16 21:09:34

But dw was listening and she was really upset because I wasn't more firm with them

Of course she was. Because your parents are completely insane. You know exactly what to do, question is, are you going to do it?

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