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really need some advice regarding dc's father - aibu or him?

(61 Posts)
user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 20:07:34

Hi really need some advice but not sure who to ask and have just stumbled apon this site.

I had DS when I was 16, I was 'forced' and found things very hard.

His father never looked back, obviously.

He is not 12 (my ds) and has been having more and more questions, I have tried phrasing it the best I can but he really would love a dad as all his friends keep bragging about the lovely things they do together.

Ds didn't return from school one day, I went out looking and he was outside school and he told me about how his dad had taken him out to Costa, etc. I was absolutely fuming. At first I assumed it was someone grooming him, but I got him to describe him and it was him.

There is not court case or anything so I'm not sure what his dad's rights are/how 2 explain things to him, thanks xxx

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 20:14:02

Just want to say that I have no idea where he lives/works, etc.

acasualobserver Mon 15-Feb-16 20:15:53

The simple answer is that it is your son's father who is being totally unreasonable by establishing contact in this way. However, I'm sure there will be more knowledgeable and experienced posters here who can advise you about how to proceed. I think most people would be fuming in your position too.

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 20:25:44

Thank you

SolsburyHell Mon 15-Feb-16 20:34:40

Ok, so your sons father has behaved awfully by just inserting yourself in your sons life without approaching you first. You should talk to your son and make sure he does not wander off with his father again. Also approach social services/ your local family courts/ family solicitor for proper legal advice.

That said, I grew up with an absent father (and nothing has changed). I remember desperately wanting to contact him to try and forge a relationship but not knowing how to contact him. To be honest I don't think he would have wanted to know anyway. I know what it's like to be deprived of such an important relationship and I think it would cause long term damage to your own relationship with your son if you try and stop them having contact without very good reason.

SolsburyHell Mon 15-Feb-16 20:38:27

Btw, if your son has questions, answer them honestly but fairly and without bitterness. It sounds like they will have further contact so you need to ensure your son feels that he can be honest with you about it.

abbsismyhero Mon 15-Feb-16 20:39:52

is he on the birth certificate?

are you sure it was him?

why didnt you report your son as missing?

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:05:59

The very good reason is that he forced me to have sex with him.

Why would I want my child around such a piece of scum.

I didn't report him as missing because he was at school when I arrived there to look for him.

Thanks for the advice

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:06:24

Of course he isn't on the birth certificate and because he described him to me

SonjasSister Mon 15-Feb-16 21:09:19

He's 12 and I think if op thought she'd have a good idea where he might be it made sense for her to go & look first - maybe he sometimes hangs out with his mates after school, for example.

Op i have no idea of the legalities but you do have the right to a say in access. Maybe the fathet ( he hardly qualifies as a dad at the moment) went about it that way as he was convinced you'd say no (which under the circumstances would not have been surprising). Cowardly of him if so but maybe thats why?

I do wish you the best in handling yjis in a way that works for both you and ds. I can see itmust be hard for you. flowers

SonjasSister Mon 15-Feb-16 21:11:54

Did you tell anyone back then, at the time op? Did you get help?

You must be feeling so upset sad

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:13:30

Well, I didn't say the whole story...

So I never did get much help, but it is what it is and yeah, I'm mortified!

I thought I was doing a pretty good job with my little lad! And now he comes back to haunt us

meatliqour Mon 15-Feb-16 21:31:16

If he's not on the birth certificate he zero parental rights. He shouldn't be doing this.

However, agree with pp about answering your DS's questions honestly, age appropriate & without bitterness. Your DS will ultimately make his own mind up

missymayhemsmum Mon 15-Feb-16 22:16:06

OP, what happened to you was so wrong, and you have obviously done a great job with your boy.
Was his father a similar age to you? Do you know anything about who he is now?
Presumably you have had no contact with him since, and your son has never got to know his family. 13 years is a long time, and you could maybe find out about this man to decide whether he has grown into a man you could accept your son getting to know, or whether you need to seek protection from him. He may have spent years regretting what he did. I think you should find out before telling your son too much, but yes, ultimately you have to be honest with your son, and one day he will make up his own mind.

user1455564583 Mon 15-Feb-16 22:18:49

He was 27, I was 16...

poppiesanddaisies Mon 15-Feb-16 22:21:37

Gosh, you poor thing flowers

I think if I were you I would explain honestly what the situation was to your DS. It is so hard and I bet it's a conversation you just don't want to have.

I bet your DS will also find it very hard but you've done amazingly.

HeddaGarbled Mon 15-Feb-16 22:23:29

This is going to be so hard for you and your son to deal with, I think you should get some professional advice and support. Maybe start with your local rape crisis centre. Or your GP who will be able to refer you on to relevant professionals.

You need some advice about what to say to your son and what your legal rights are and your son may need some support. You might want some too, it's not too late.

Alwaysthebadguy Mon 15-Feb-16 22:28:02

I'd actually go to the police.

This man is a rapist and now he is taking your child without consent. Why the hell did your child even go with him?

This is actually pretty serious.

TwatMagnet Mon 15-Feb-16 22:31:43

I agree with Always. If looked at in the cold light of day this might be classed as some kind of kidnap. Your son doesn't know him from Adam. Anyone could go up to him and pretend to be his father. It's all quite scary - I do think you should at least get advice from the Police.

blueturtle6 Tue 16-Feb-16 07:28:39

It isn't to late to go to the police, understandable why you didn't at the time, but he shouldn't get away with this. No advice on how to tell your DS, maybe if you get advice they'll also help him. flowers

user1455564583 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:03:41

Thanks everyone thanks

OohMavis Tue 16-Feb-16 08:09:50

I agree with TwatMagnet.

The police will take this seriously, I think. He's never met him before, never had your permission to take him from school and is a sex offender.

Has he been living locally all this time, has he seen you around with DS?

OohMavis Tue 16-Feb-16 08:10:35

I would also, if possible, be picking him up from school from now on. And notifying the school.

Trufflethewuffle Tue 16-Feb-16 08:55:19

Can you be absolutely sure it was him and not some other random weirdo? How can you describe someone so accurately after 12 years?

user1455564583 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:03:28

I'm not sure if he has seen us around... I've not noticed

He described a certain tattoo, so unless a stranger has the exact same then maybe, but all seems like it's him

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