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Dad not seen DS for over 3 years and wants to take him out without giving contact details..

(170 Posts)
no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 18:34:50

Posting in here for traffic as posted in lone parents and its a bit slow there

I'm a bit stressed so forgive any typos etc

DS father hasn't seen him over 3 years. His choice, despite him insisting on a court order, which he broke on numerous occasions and this led to me telling him in with a few choice words (in emails never in front of DS what an arsehole he was)Because of this so called verbal abuse (tbf I didn't hold back) he said he would not see DS anymore. This was on DS 3rd birthday that he told him this by the way, really nice bloke. All of Ex family also decided not to see DS as they supported ex decision to not see his son.

Anyway as I predicted when DS now 6 became easier to be around he got back in contact and also because his siblings are all having kids and he wants to play at being daddy again. After much disagreement, as ex refused to accept he couldn't just come down with his wife (she was OW) and take him out for the day, a contact schedule was reached. Letters first, then a few times at 2-3 hours each at my house without me there and then can be taken out of house. DS would not go to a soft play centre without me present and became very upset at the thought of it so the only way I could get DS to agree to see his Dad without me there is by it being in the house. Ex flatly refused to see DS with me present.

However, DS wants to be taken out to McDonalds now that he has a few letters and feels much more comfortable about the whole thing. I expected this might happen and is why I insisted on letters first to get DS used to the idea of seeing his dad.

However, ex is refusing to give full contact details and all I have is an email and a work address and he may give me his phone number. I am putting my foot down and saying that he can not take DS out of the house unless I have his address. I'm very concerned that he was so adamant about me being there and his complete and utter refusal to give me his address that he may just take DS. Ex lives over 3 hours away so its not like I can go round and stalk him, throw eggs at his house etc etc and I certainly wouldn't want to plus I have better things to do with my time and have no interest in ex's life at all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that technically because he broke the court order on numerous occasions that it should go back to court however, I am trying to avoid that. At the same time though I would not let DS go anywhere with anyone unless I knew their contact details and that includes address. I'm not happy with just a phone number as phones can be switched off and numbers changed.

Any advice? By the way I don't expect ex to tell me everywhere he takes DS I just want full contact details and I think I am justified in knowing them.

OzzieFem Mon 15-Feb-16 18:42:36

Ring the police and tell them the problem. While they may not give you your ex's contact details, I'm sure they would be only to happy to check them and make a note just in case.

Either way they will give you advice and you have taken the proper steps to ensure your son's safety.

OzzieFem Mon 15-Feb-16 18:43:36

Forgot to mention, make sure you take down the details of the police officer you speak to as a reference.

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 18:46:47

Sorry it should read 'me not being there'

abbsismyhero Mon 15-Feb-16 18:49:12

i would say i think we need to go back to court

GabiSolis Mon 15-Feb-16 18:51:36

There are no grounds to call the police surely?! I can't see anywhere in your post that suggests that. I completely sympathise with the situation and think YANBU (I suspect some will disagree) but I'm not seeing any grounds to involve authorities. With the greatest respect I wouldn't follow that advice.

megletthesecond Mon 15-Feb-16 18:55:07

Tbh if he's already broken court orders I wouldn't let him see him without jumping through some massive hoops first. Contact centre, then gradual contact. He can't just swan in and take your ds out as he fancies it. What will probably happen is he gets bored after a couple of visits and your poor ds will be heartbroken and you will be picking up then pieces. He has to show commitment to his ds, he's not a toy.

After 4yrs non contact a family solicitor told me that if XP did appear he would have to go via a contact centre first. They're effectively strangers after that amount of time.

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 18:56:55

I would not call the police unless he actually took him so no worries there.

I am just not prepared to risk him doing that and can't think of one reason why you wouldn't give your address to the mother of the child you haven't seen in 3 years! I mean what happens if he doesn't bring him back and the authorities ask for his details and all I have is a work address and an email! hardly makes me a responsible parent.

Its been a constant battle for me and you'd think he would be bending over backwards to do anything if he really wanted to see his DS. All I have asked for is that contact is resumed slowly and at a pace suitable for DS and that it is open to change if DS is coping with it or not coping with it. He has disagreed with everything been dictating the contact etc.

I'm tired of it all already and he hasn't actually seen DS yet!

Sixinabed Mon 15-Feb-16 18:59:43

It seems mighty suspicious that he will not give you his details. I second going back to court, unless he'll give you details and you can verify them in advance of outing. He's very young but maybe get Ds a mobile that he could call you on just in case if he does go.
Much much better safe than sorry.

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:00:11

I'm trying to do the best thing by DS so thats why I wanted to avoid court again and to be honest it was a complete waste of time the first time. Ex was only doing it to try and make out to his family and friends the reason why he didn't see DS was because I stopped him and not because he continually failed to turn up. Luckily I could prove it had been him not showing up and not me stopping him.

I'm so stressed about it all that I don't feel I am thinking straight and thats what I wanted opinions on demanding his address before he takes him.

TheCatsMeow Mon 15-Feb-16 19:00:50

I also wouldn't let him see him without making him jump through hoops. It's not fair

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 19:01:27

I would tell him to take you back to court since he isn't willing to work with you in order to re establish contact in an appropriate way. Let him explain to a Judge why he ignored his son for 3 years and thinks he can dictate things now.

Sixinabed Mon 15-Feb-16 19:03:05

He has seen Ds at your home recently though? Or is McDonald's trip the first time he'll have seen him since he was 3?
What an arse to cut contact with his child, and absolutely unbelievable that his family supported this?!?

TheCatsMeow Mon 15-Feb-16 19:03:55

Also I'm in a similar situation (NC, lives far away, have safety concerns) and no way would I let him take my son out without me, the lack of details is really suspicious don't do it

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:05:06

He thinks I have been controlling and that I am having it 100% my way because I said he couldn't just take him out for the day, that contact had to start of slow for DS and that he needed to see him on his own without his wife for a while.

Apparently I'm being difficult and preventing contact by being so obstructive. Everything is my fault according to him and I'm still the reason he stopped seeing him in the first place. he even already said that if I 'abuse' him again then he will be forced to stop seeing DS again. I've told him that if he treats DS properly, turns up for him and doesn't behave like an arsehole that I won't call him one.

He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Its very hard to deal with.

TheCatsMeow Mon 15-Feb-16 19:06:20

Sounds very like my ex, manipulative and if it's not exactly what he asks for its you who's being the arse.

Why are you considering allowing contact? He's clearly not bothered about DS!

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:09:45

Contact has started with letters that DS has enjoyed reading and I have gritted my teeth when reading them (hand writing too difficult for DS to read all the words) and made them a very positive experience for DS.

This has led DS to ask that on the first time he sees his Dad (28th Feb) could he see him for longer and could his dad take him to McDonalds. I told DS that I would ask his dad and that I would only allow it if his Dad was prepared to give me his address etc otherwise it would be a no.

I wasn't happy with it but didn't want to appear like I was preventing contact IYSWIM.

Sixinabed Mon 15-Feb-16 19:11:09

Yes, it does sound like all he cares about is himself and getting what he wants, not considering your Ds.
You're being controlling? What a choice twat.
I wouldn't send him any more frank emails though, however twattish he is. You need to keep everything you write totally to the point, polite and reasonable. Otherwise you are handing him ammunition, sadly.

TheCatsMeow Mon 15-Feb-16 19:11:26

If I were you I wouldnt let him see him without you there tbh. You can explain to DS when he's older than you have to consider his safety and that his dad's history of irresponsible manipulative behaviour meant that it wasn't suitable

Sixinabed Mon 15-Feb-16 19:13:08

Agree you should be there. You don't have to sit with them, but just be in the restaurant. Totally reasonable, especially given Ds age and the gap in contact.

AnneElliott Mon 15-Feb-16 19:13:58

I agree you need his address. You wouldn't allow another parent to take DS without knowing where they lived, so why is this different?

OhYouLuckyDuck Mon 15-Feb-16 19:19:21

There is no way I'd let a child of mine go with their father if I didn't have the address of where he lived. It's not worth the risk. Also, if they go off in a car, get the license plate.

LagunaBubbles Mon 15-Feb-16 19:23:06

I think you are trying to be far too reasonable actually, the best way is just to go back to court and have it all legal and documented, no way would I let him go anywhere without a contact address.

no73 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:27:29

This is the response I got to an email about me asking him to not put in letters that he will taking DS out as it is unfair. He still blames me, he still accuses me of being selfish and I do not have his phone number! My DS did not want to write to his work address, I asked him and he said no as it was 'weird' for his dad to only put his work address. I'm not happy with just his work address as he doesn't live there!

I have not agreed to him taking DS out after the first time, its always been he sees him at my house the first 3 times. I though I was being nice letting him take him out to dinner the first time.


It is not because of me that I can't xxx to mcdonalds it is because for some strange reason you think that if you don't have it I will run away with [son]. This is ridiculous you have my army address of which is more value as if I was to do anything daft like that not that I would all you have to do is contact the army of whom will find me straight away. You say it's a simple bit if information to give out but for me it's not, it's taken 3 years for me to even trust you with my phone number and email address once again. I will give you the home address when you need it of which is only when [son] stays at our house.
So to point out a simple fact that you are choosing to ignore it is you that is upsetting xxx by needing control and stating I can't take him out unless you have the address. If it wasn't the address then I'm quite sure it would be something else.
You and I are never going to see I to I so please stop using xxx as a way to get at me because it is you that is hurting xxx.
I did not lie to xxx as I would love to take him out and he needs to know that it's not me stopping this from happening.
I totally fail to see how xxx would be upset over not having a home address to write to he is 6 years old and to him an address is an address and writing to his dad in the army would be exciting for any child. It is you who is removing this excitement from him by making a meal of the situation and wanting total control as always.
Like I have said previously you will not be getting my address until xxx stays at our house, this is something you will need to get over. I will only visit XXX at your house once thereafter I will take him out somewhere or someone can take him to a meeting place where they can see us from the distance. Again this will only be for 2 visits thereafter I will collect him from your house and take him somewhere.
If you want what's best for xxx and I believe you do as you have done a great job bringing him up so far then you will understand that I simply will not give you my address and you will let xxx write to me and indeed leave the house with me.
I am not stranger like you keep stating I am xxx dad therefore my phone number, email address and army address is more than sufficient to know where I am with xxxx at all times.

MadamDeathstare Mon 15-Feb-16 19:31:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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