To wonder if I have upset this friend?

[stargirl04]

Hi,

I have a friend who I've neither seen nor heard of for ages. To the extent where I started to think I'd offended her.

She used to live in my city but moved north to be with her partner and bought a house with him about 6 months ago that they've been doing up.

So I texted her and asked her if I'd done something to upset her and, if so, it was unintentional I was sorry if I'd unwittingly caused any offence.

So she called me and said "Don't be silly, you're lovely, I've just been putting all my energy into the house - I get tunnel vision sometimes."

Following on from that, whenever I suggested we meet up she was busy and did not suggest alternative arrangements or initiate any further contact with me. So I decided that for whatever reason, she wasn't that interested and decided I would not contact her again, even though she is a lovely woman. We are both in our fifties and have been friends for about 9 years.

Last week (about six weeks later) I got a text from her saying: "How are things. When can we meet for a catch up? Seems like an age since I last saw you."

So this is the precise text I sent her the next day and I want you kind folks to tell me whether this could have been interpreted as me having a dig at her:

"Hi Dot, nice to hear from you . When are you free? I am sometimes off midweek (which fits with her schedule) but am busy for the next couple of weeks. I recently got out of hospital after my lung collapsed. Another cancer scare but no cancer after all. How are you and is your house finished yet? Love Ethel xxx"

These are not our real names. But I have not heard a thing from her since and I am puzzled! I checked my phone and it says the message was delivered but this was a few days ago.

I thought about sending her another text asking her if everything was okay and again, I'm wondering if I've offended her, but another RL friend (male) thinks I'm being "too soft".

Sock it to me, Mumsnetters....

[StealthPolarBear]

I think she's just being a bit useless. I know it well as I get like this when everything gets a bit much

[teeththief]

Phone her instead of texting!

[liberatedwine]

Maybe she's not sure how to respond? She might be feeling guilty you've been ill and she didn't know.

I'd text again in a week or so and suggest a definite date and time, e.g. I'll meet you at xxx time in Whatever Place on wednesday, are you up for lunch or just a drink?

[AntiHop]

I would be really offended if I'd told a friend I'd been seriously if she didn't quickly reply.

[PuppyMonkey]

Maybe she's taken the "busy for the next couple of week" bit to mean there's no hurry about getting back to you to arrange something. But yes, use the phone and ring her for a chat - it's not illegal.

[stargirl04]

Antihop, yes, this is why I'm perplexed. If the roles were reversed I'd have answered promptly.

Thanks for the suggestions guys. I'll leave it another week and get in touch with her.

[poppiesanddaisies]

I would put the ball in her court and let her reply. I think it could be that while you haven't offended her at all she doesn't really want to see you (ooh that sounds harsh ) so just see what happens xx

[MissBattleaxe]

No matter how busy she is, if a friend texted me health news like that, I'd be on the phone straight away to see how she was.

[stargirl04]

Just to say, I hate using the phone as you can never have a "quick" conversation with a RL female pal - it's always an hour minimum - at least it is with my friends - and I simply don't have time!

[stargirl04]

Poppiesanddaisies, yes, that's what I think too. I don't think it should be me who makes the next move.

MissBattleaxe - I said I hate using the phone but in those circumstances I would be on the phone to said friend too!

[Vintage45]

Sometimes people expect too much from others.

[NuggetofPurestGreen]

Maybe the Op doesn't want to phone??

I think she is just being useless. I've many friends like that. It occurred to her that she wanted to see you, then you replied and she didn't have time/couldn't be bothered/thought she'd have to reply later and then forgot.

Honestly don't think you've offended her!

[PuppyMonkey]

You do have time to ring, honest you do. You could have rung her instead of starting this thread.

[stargirl04]

Ok, thanks for the feedback on my text. I'll stop worrying about this. I'll leave it a bit longer to see if she gets in touch.

I would be willing to contact her again, even though it's not my "turn", but I'm mindful of what Poppies said and for that reason think I will just leave it to her to contact me. If she really wants to see me, she'll get in touch, and if she doesn't then I'll have my answer.

[stargirl04]

Hi Puppy, I take your point, but I spend hours on the phone already supporting a RL friend who is going through a crisis.

You are right, of course, and I would call her, except I've decided after reading the replies here that the ball is in her court now.

A big thanks everyone! xxxx

[MissBattleaxe]

I know what you mean about using the phone OP. You allow ten minutes for a quick chat and still there an hour later.

But your friend really should phone you in light of your health news.

[stargirl04]

Hi Miss Battleaxe, maybe she's exhausted by it, as I went through the same process six months ago. (I have an undiagnosed lung condition which I'm now having lots of tests for.)

And maybe she thinks that, at least I'm okay, and she will probably call me next week.

It is also Valentine's Day so she will be doing romantic stuff with her partner. Or rather, she will be trying to get him to do romantic stuff.

[AlpacaMyThings]

I think her priorities have changed and you may have to accept she probably doesn't want to meet up.

Id hate to get a phone call, it would put me on the spot.

[JessieMcJessie]

I think people are missing the point here - OP told her friend her lung had collapsed and she had had a cancer scare and the "friend" did not even acknowledge the text! Sadly OP I think that your "friend" is just too wrapped up in her new life and has no room for you any more .

[JessieMcJessie]

Though one thing from your latest post OP- sounds like you don't like her partner? Maybe she is distancing herself from you because of that?

[stargirl04]

Alpaca - thanks for responding. The thing I'm confused about, is that I had already made a decision to step back from the friendship because of her seeming lack of interest.

So if she didn't want to see me again, why did she text me asking to meet up?

I am confused by her behaviour. But I am not one to chase people who are no longer interested - that goes for men too.

Hi Jessie - I don't dislike her partner - he is a very affable bloke - it's just that she never stops moaning about him!

From what she's told me, he sounds complacent and lazy - once on her birthday she was upset because he did not get her a present or a proper card but sent her a jokey e-card. I think he ignores her more than she would prefer and she has an issue with his drinking.

I have never told her to LTB, though I know she has friends that have. All I've said is that she should develop her own life and friends in addition to working on her relationship, as she left them behind when she moved to his town.

[LucieLucie]

stargirl04 Honestly she sound completely self absorbed and offers no benefit whatsoever to you in being any kind of a friend.

If it was me, I'd delete her number and move on. Don't give her another thought. You may well find you get a random message from her in the future but I'd ignore it.

Anyone who ignores a lovely message like that from a friend who has clearly gone though being ill and health scares is a C**t.

Take care of yourself

[caitlinohara]

I have many flaky friends, and am one myself at times. It sounds like you have been going through a lot recently and I can understand that you want to surround yourself with supportive friends and don't want to waste your energy on someone who can't be bothered, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt. As others have said, she probably feels guilty about not being there for you through your cancer scare and maybe upset that you hadn't told her at the time, and now she doesn't know how to approach you. Most people assume that all is well unless you specifically tell them otherwise. Ask yourself, if you needed her, and told her so, would she be there for you?

[stargirl04]

Lucie, your post made me laugh.

Caitlin, in all honesty, yes, I think she would have been a bit more "there" had she known about my health issues.

She is a really nice woman - there is no malice whatsoever in her, and we have never fallen out over anything.

But I am just confused by her behaviour. Maybe she's going through something bad herself... I don't know.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I agree she probably feels guilty and has "frozen up" somewhat in response to your text - because of feeling bad about not having been there for you, feeling maybe that a text isn't a good enough response to news like that, telling herself that actually you say yourself that it was a false alarm and you are OK and there is no hurry to respond as you have no time for the next 2 weeks anyway...

Just suspend judgement and wait and see - hopefully she will get back to you at the end of the 2 weeks and you'll meet up and all will become clear...

She may be a bit flakey and have a lot on her mind but although that might mean she isn't bff material it doesn't mean you have to write her off if you enjoy spending time together, just keep things at face value and don't give too much of yourself emotionally, nor expect much from her - then you can't be disappointed but don't have to write off a friendship unless you want to.