Grandmother!

[CraigN2016]

AIMU? My gran for the past couple of months has been a real handful and I am not sure what to do about it!

For the past couple of months my gran thinks if she clicks her fingers she gets what she wants straight away, I have been to the supermarket 5 times in the past three days for her because she has demanded things for the shop! I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF UNPACKING HER SHOPPING AS SHE DEMADED ME TO GO BACK AS SHE CHANGED HER MIND. She also phones up at the most stupid hours demanding me to take her places, she can drive she just chooses not to and she is capable.

She has also DEMANDED me to clean her house saying its " my duty" problem is I am a full time dad / carer to my who has autism and a range of other disablities. The ONLY time I have to clean her house is when my son is in bed ( not suitable for her as she will miss her to programs!) and on a Saturday morning ( again not suitable as she will miss her cooking shows!) I literally have no other time in the week to do it! Every other moment of the day is taken up by my son and making sure all of his needs are met! WHAT CAN I DO?!

Our cousin has said she would do the cleaning her for but my gran said no as its His duty and points to me! I have explained to her it's give and take and she needs to see it from my side but she doesn't listen.

Even when I help her she doesn't even say Thankyou or ask if I can do something for her, she demands it and talks to me like riubbish.

I know I should be grateful she is here and I really am however I am already exhausted mentally and physically due to my son needing care 24/7 and I am a single parent! When I go out I have to take my son and it's a challenge.

She can drive and she is capable of doing all of these things it's just like she feels she doesn't need to because she knows she will click her fingers and il do it!

What should I do?! I honestly do t know how much more I can take :,(

[Slowlygettingthehangofthings]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation! :-(
Why can your gran not do these things for herself? Is she ill or frail?
I like to do things for my GIL but would absolutely not take kindly to being told "its your duty". Why does she feel its your duty- does she help you out financially? I think you need to be a bit more assertive with her. Difficult I know! [Flowers]

[VimFuego101]

I would figure out what you are able to do for her - 'I can drive you to the supermarket on Saturdays at 2pm, and clean your house for an hour on Fridays at 7pm'. If she needs anything outside of that, she'll just need to wait. Did your grandad pass away?

[pigsDOfly]

Well you're enabling her behaviour by doing what she tells you to do. Just stop it. Is this a new thing, or has she always been like this. If not could she be in the early stages of dementia do you think?

No gran, I can't go back to the supermarket again because I'm busy. No I can't do your housework, drive you to where ever. I have things I have to do.

What is she going to do about it if you refuse? She can demand all she likes, if you don't bend to her will, there's not much she can do about it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"My gran for the past couple of months has been a real handful"
So this is new behaviour? What has changed in the past few months, anything? If you can't think of anything, I'd start thinking along medical lines - a small stroke or dementia.

"I know I should be grateful she is here and I really am"
Why should you be grateful? Serious question.

"it's just like she feels she doesn't need to because she knows she will click her fingers and il do it! What should I do?!"
Well for starters, stop doing what she demands you do. Again, serious question - why do you feel you have to accede to her demands?

[Gruntfuttock]

Slowlygettingthehangofthings the OP said that she is capable of doing all these things herself. He said "She can drive and she is capable of doing all of these things it's just like she feels she doesn't need to because she knows she will click her fingers and il do it!"

OP, I don't understand why your grandmother is treating you like this. It sounds almost sadistic. Since she is capable of doing them herself and won't let your cousin help, I don't think you should take it from her any more. It's no way to treat a grandchild is it?

[Pigeonpost]

Sorry but you just need to be forceful with her and say no. Time to keep doing her shopping but not to go back endless times as she demands more things. If she sees you pandering to her demands she will just continue.

[Slowlygettingthehangofthings]

Sorry OP I missed that bit.

[ALemonyPea]

You need to back away and leave her to it. Set boundaries and tell her you will do her shopping once a week for her on a day of your choosing,mand that you will either clean her house once a week or she hires a cleaner.

Speak to Age Concern, they might be able to help advise as well.

I was in a similar situation with my MIL for 7 years. She died last June and the last year of her life, she was very demanding due to ill health. It was only when she died did I realise just how much I did and how exhausted I was.

[Trickydecision]

If you are her grandson, does she not have sons and daughters who could help her? Is she from a different culture? Not that that makes any difference to the unfair situation you are in, but maybe she feels if you are in a caring role that would normally be undertaken by a woman, all the other associated stuff can be piled on you too.

As everyone says, be forceful and refuse to pander to her unreasonable whims.

[Oysterbabe]

Just say no.

[timemaychangeme]

Nope, it's not fair and YANBU.

Your Grandma sounds to have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of you. She sounds very forthright. Has she always been as demanding or is this recent behaviour? If you have noticed a change in her behaviour over the last few months, it could be a sign of some type of dementia/alzheimers. Someone can be physically ok and capable but become blunter/more demanding and self-centred. Of course she could have always been the same in which case probably not. Just putting it out there in case you have noticed anything, in which case her GP should check her over.

In the meantime, you need to remember that you and your son are just as important as she is and to put yourselves first. It may well be that she believes it is your responsibility to clean and do jobs for her. She can believe what she chooses. Doesn't mean you are duty bound to agree.

Is there enough money for a cleaner, someone to do some shopping, or perhaps she can be assessed for someone from social services to help out.
As others have said, gentle, firm, non-negotiable boundaries. "Grandma you know I have to look after CraigJunior so I'm up to my ears in our own shopping, cooking, washing etc etc. Is there any problem you have that is making it so hard for you to do some shopping/cleaning? Perhaps you need to think about a cleaner, someone to help from time to time." If she starts on the "You ought to do it for me, it's your job etc etc", just repeat the message that you have so much to do it's not possible."

You are not her servant and yes you can be glad she's around etc, but this does not mean you have to jump when she calls and makes unreasonable demands of you. Good luck.

[MammaTJ]

Oh dear.

I think the best response to this is something like 'Sorry Gran, but you are capable of doing these things yourself. You wouldn't want me to steal your independence and make you old and infirm before your time now, would you?'.

Then firmly ignore all the nonsense!

[LapsedPacifist]

How old is she OP?

If this is recent behaviour then I agree that this sounds exactly like the early stages of dementia or a small stroke The 'changing her mind' about shopping and asking you for lifts and to to run errands at strange times (and the rudeness and lack of thanks) is completely typical. We live with my DM and this is a daily scenario for us, particularly the anxiety about shopping/food.