Is she being unreasonable?(69 Posts)
Is my mum being unreasonable and what should I do?
Background- myself, DH and 2 DCs have been I living really far away from DM for 7 years. We have a medium-sized dog.
So at the moment she is visiting us and hates the dog. She screams at him 10 times a day to get out and goes on and on about his hair. She says there is no need for him to be inside, he's a dog, will we get another one when he dies, she doesn't like her grandchildren being brought up in this environment and so on. There is some history with DM/fall-outs etc so we kind of just ignore/laugh it off or say "soon you'll be back in your own lovely dog-free home!" and such.
Yesterday however, whilst she was screaming "OUT! OUT! DOGS NAME GET OUT!" DH who is already in the process of putting him out the back door with his collar said to her "you don't need to shout at him, you can just tell him". So she went into a bit of a huff and was quiet over lunch then disappeared to her room. We hadn't really clicked that it was the dog comment as it seemed such a nothing but knew something was up. About an hour later she comes downstairs and basically says what's that about DH saying that to her. I said he's probably sick of it re. dog. She then goes on about how disrespected she feels, DH told her off, was talking to her like she's 5, she isn't DC1 and shouldn't be spoken to like that, it just makes her feel like she doesn't want to be here, is not welcome, unwanted etc. Retreats to her room. I'm Not happy with this as had a really shit time a couple of years ago with her huffing in her room for days so try to speak and sort it out. She's not interested, doesn't want to speak to DH to let him apologise. Her husband is joining next week and they had always planned to travel somewhere in the region for their own holiday but is now saying that as soon as he gets here they're leaving and will stay away for his entire 3 week trip and even talking about amending their return flight so that they don't have to stop here on the way back. She then asks if he can please stay here for a couple of days to recover from his long haul before they leave and then thanks me when I say of course. All in a tone that suggests I'm doing them a big favour by allowing him to stay which isn't the case at all. He's a great guy and we like him. This exchange was all via text. We all haven't spoke since lunchtime and it's now early morning. I think this is all a bit pathetic. Is she being unreasonable? Or am I? Or is DH? Either way, need to find a solution for moving forward. I'm not happy about her huffing and moping around the house, hiding in her room, not talking to us. It's horrible tension for my DC to be around.
She's being really pathetic with the sulking.
Is she frightened of the dog maybe?
This is your mother? Not a teenager? Just checking!!
Just ignore her and give your dog a biscuit, poor bugger
She shouldn't stay with in a home with a dog if it bothers her so. I detest dogs so wouldn't stay in the same house, I inderstand her irritation at the dog actually but, it's not her fucking decision.
Jeezo, she is being ridiculous! Sulking??? She is def BU!
Maybe she shouldnt stay in your home if she cant stop yelling at your dog.
Im not sure shouting at a dog and making it feel nervous and threatened is a sensible move.
Sounds like hard work. Does she have fear of dogs? Maybe that is what is making her anxious.
She is completely BU, your husband is not. Let her carry on with her plans to go off and not come back!
Tell her the dog is part of your family and you are all tired of her going on about it! She knew the dog would be there - tell her to get over it or stay else where - jezz this would seriously annoy me -
Your house. Your rules. She knew you had a dog before she arrived and decided to come and stay with you anyway. Personally, I feel sorry for the dog. It must be utterly miserable whilst your DM is in the house.
"Is she being unreasonable? Or am I? Or is DH?"
That you could even consider that you or your husband could be the unreasonable one in this scenario is suggestive to me. To an outsider, there is absolutely no question who is being unreasonable here, and it is your mother. Has she a long history of this sort of behaviour? Did you have to deal with it growing up? Did you walk on eggshells around her? This is what I mean by suggestive, that she has you trained to knuckle under to her.
And your husband should not under any circumstances apologise to her. He did nothing wrong and apologising would not mollify her, it would just encourage her to continue her unreasonableness. I would also tell her to stop screaming. And I wouldn't be polite about it.
Yes, your DM is being very unreasonable. Your dog is part of your family. You're a unit and she needs to accept that. Tell her to bugger off. Your poor dog must feel awful!
It's a beagle, so a very chilled out, friendly, loving dog. She is not scared of dogs. Even had a toy dog years ago (which she gave away). She just can't be doing with this dog.
Yes she has a history of being a pain. Didn't walk around eggshells when growing up I don't think but I do now. Constantly. I change my behaviour, clothes, make-up etc. to avoid comments.
It's now no longer about the dog. That was just a trigger and it probably could have been anything, it was waiting to happen- her blowing her top. Now it's all the drama and tension that I can't take and need advice on what to do?
I would expect my dog to be a good 'host' (no jumping up, no food swiping, no nose in crotches) but I'd be damned if a guest in my home is going to scream at my dog! If you don't like him, I'll keep him away from you and crate him at times if needed. But if you can't put up with a house with a dog living in it, stay elsewhere. Your mother is SO beyond unreasonable it isn't even funny.
And as far as texting you when (I assume) she's in the same house with you? Oh please, how childish. I'd probably have given her a list of the local hotels and offered her a lift as she's obviously so unhappy in my home.
She's just trying to control you, DH, the dog, and probably everyone else in her 'sphere'. I'd think twice about future visits, unless she stays elsewhere.
She's having a temper tantrum.
How do you react to a toddler's temper tantrum? You ignore and never give.
Don't reward bad behaviour.
What to do? Depends on what you want to end up getting out of the situation, I guess.
Do you feel as if you want to take a stand and say 'no more' so that in future this won't be repeated? Then tell her that she was out of line and you feel she should stay elsewhere if she can't be a polite guest, lose the attitude, and respect your home and your rules.
Or do you feel you just want to stop the bad atmosphere knowing that it'll be repeated year after year? Then apologize, tell your DH to do the same, and kick the dog outside for the duration of her visit.
I know which I'd do.
Your DH needs to talk to her. Explain that if course she is welcome and wanted but she is so unhappy with the dog being around that perhaps she should stay elsewhere for the remainder of her stay. Emphasise that it is just her happiness that concerns you and as she's obviously not happy staying with you, maybe she would be happier in a hotel/B&B (as the dog is staying).
She's being a childish drama queen and the best way I've found to deal with it (having been through similar) is to let her sulk it out. Be bright and breezy, ignore her tantrums and then call her bluff with ultimatums - but in such a way that you're doing it with her best interests in mind.
And neither you nor DH is the unreasonable one here. She's being ridiculous.
Hic Why should the DH be the one to speak to her? I'm just curious as to why you think the OP shouldn't deal with her own mother.
As I said it's not about the dog anymore- she feels unwelcome and so on because of the way she was spoken to. She feels she was scolded and how dare he talk to me like that and so on. That's what she's pissed off at. She did incidentally say that she won't ever mention another thing about the dog (good!) but it's the sulking and the dramatic "I promise I'll be out of your family's way, and we'll re-route our return journey so we don't trouble you" "I always overstay my welcome" etc. All said in a very oh poor me I've been treated so badly way. This is the problem. Telling her to stay in a hotel isn't an option, she already spent a fortune coming and it wouldn't go down well at all. So I just need help with how to get through the next few days until her husband arrives on Wednesday night. He's a very reasonable man and she behaves when he's around!
Good grief. Your H has done nothing wrong and neither of you need to apologise. She doesn't really "feel unwelcome", she's just stirring.
I would just ignore any silliness, say good morning, offer cups of tea, meals etc but if she starts on the "I feel unwelcome" nonsense, just ignore her. Don't bother with all the "of course you're welcome" stuff. It's like training a toddler, reward good behaviour, don't rise to bad behaviour, and carry on feeding regardless of behaviour.
Grit your teeth and drink lots of or 🍸?
There's nothing you can do to change her behaviour without stirring up a load of shit. Even ignoring won't work, in my experience it only ramps up the sighs and 'I guess I'm not wanted' crap. So the only way you're going to get her to stop her sulking and martyrdom will be to just agree with everything she says and bow down to her.
You had this conversation over text? When she is in your house?
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