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To be devastated and think I must be a failure

(40 Posts)
fuckingpissedofftoday Sat 13-Feb-16 12:01:14

I've been trying to come off antidepressants and on half a dose as agreed with my doctor. But for the last maybe 3 weeks things feel very hard again. I tried to jolly myself along but today I'm sitting here feeling so flat and empty. Cried all of last night, because it sounds stupid but I feel like I'm dying of something like ovarian cancer and I have nobody to give me a hug.

I feel like I can't cope with my life without antidepressants and I am so embarrassed by that. Everything overwhelms me really easily. I struggle with poor health and feel physically unwell a lot of the time, and when I'm on the AD's I can stay upbeat and manage a lot better. But other people manage without AD's.

I have no support and am totally alone. Other people have families and friends and partners, and if I give in and am depressed and ill then my chances of developing friendships or even finding a partner are nil.

What is wrong with me that I can't do it?

shutupandshop Sat 13-Feb-16 12:04:32

((((((Hugs))))))) if you had any other illness you would accept the treatment without guilt, this is no different.

TooMuchOfEverything Sat 13-Feb-16 12:04:47

Listen you are NOT a failure flowers - I was on ADs for years on end. My body wasn't making enough of whatever chemical it is, so I took the tablets. IMO there is no shame whatsoever on being on ADs. Anyone who thinks less of me can fuck off.

(I only stopped when I changed contraception and that affected my hormones and my body seemed to be able to cope without them then. But I was quite accepting to be on them for life.)

fuckingpissedofftoday Sat 13-Feb-16 12:07:46

I feel so well when I am on them, and so grateful for everything that I can't understand how I flip like this. I just don't understand.

TooMuchOfEverything Sat 13-Feb-16 12:12:15

Go back to your doctors and talk to them. Look after yourself flowers

lazyarse123 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:12:34

You are definitely not a failure. You would quite happily take medication for a physical illness so why not a mental one. My husband has been on ads for years and is so much happier with them. Unless the doctor has given you a reason to stop taking them i would carry on until you are ready to come off them. Goo Luck. flowers

Lweji Sat 13-Feb-16 12:12:49

Imagine you have diabetes and need insulin. Do you beat yourself and thing you're rubbish for needing it?

Depression can be about an imbalance in the brain chemistry. It seems you need ADs to function properly, not too dissimilar to how a diabetic may need insulin.

Take the ADs if they work and don't beat yourself about it.

Remember that the way you are feeling now about it can be a symptom of the depression. Find help, as someone with another physical ailment would.

Gruntfuttock Sat 13-Feb-16 12:14:43

It has been agreed with my GP that I will have to be on ADs for the rest of my life. I am not ashamed. Why should I be? I am just glad that medication exists to alleviate the depression to some extent (despite very bad side-effects). I wouldn't be alive without ADs.
Depression is a serious illness. Do diabetics feel ashamed of taking insulin? Do people suffering from chronic, severe pain feel ashamed of needing pain relief medication every day?

fuckingpissedofftoday Sat 13-Feb-16 12:17:38

I think the difference is I feel like I take antidepressants as a replacement for love. I don't mean romantic love, but I mean literally because I have nobody to ever say a few comforting words. I wish my mum was still alive and I wish I had close friends.

That's why its embarassing to me. to take meds because you are too worthless to mean anything to another living human being.

What's the point of even taking them if its just to conceal that fact?

When I'm on them I love myself and think I'm quite nice and it doesn't hurt me so much that I'm alone all the time. But really, that's just false isn't it?

Unmedicated is the reality.

Gobbolino6 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:27:53

I have been taking Sertraline for 3 years and don't plan to stop. Unmedicated isn't always the reality. Some people are very anxious or have serotonin levels that are too low.

GloGirl Sat 13-Feb-16 12:31:12

No its not the reality, you're depressed and that's why the world seems blue. Get in to see your GP asap.

lazyarse123 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:32:11

Oh lovey That is just your illness talking. Could you ask the doctor about counselling. My son is having counselling at the moment (he cannot take ads as he has a bad liver), it breaks my heart that he thinks we don't love him. You sound like a lovely person, you just need help to make you believe it.

hiddenhome2 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:32:49

Unmedicated sux, stick with 'em lass smile

Lweji Sat 13-Feb-16 12:33:18

Loving yourself should be the normal and the reality. Regardless of whether you are alone or in company.

Loathing yourself is a symptom not reality.

KoalaDownUnder Sat 13-Feb-16 12:34:08

No, OP. They're not concealing any reality.

'Reality' is partly a construct. It's not an objective fact that you are worthless.

I struggle with chronic depression, and I've had the exact same thoughts as you.

I wish I lived close by. I would be your friend. flowerscakewine

scarednoob Sat 13-Feb-16 12:36:04

Your brain is going to its darkest place, because that is what depression does to you.

Don't see it as a failure or a weakness. It's great that you live in an era where medicine can help. That is a good thing.

Don't feel bad about it. Take the medication if you need it, and maybe use the boost to do something different where you will meet people - cleric dancing or something where you can easily go by yourself and have fun.

scarednoob Sat 13-Feb-16 12:36:46

Ceroc dancing. NOT cleric dancing. That doesn't sound like much fun, whatever my phone may think!

ChineseDragonLady Sat 13-Feb-16 12:40:39

I could have written your post.
You are not a failure. If you had any other illness you wouldn't try and manage without the pills would you?
I am taking ADs and I feel like you describe most of the time.

deregistered Sat 13-Feb-16 12:43:21

You're not a failure. Half the women I know (yes they are women) are on APs. It's very common and it's nothing to be ashamed of, can you join a support groups so you don't feel alienated and in this alone?

Also EXERCISE. Honestly it will help lift your moods.


FeralBeryl Sat 13-Feb-16 12:49:00

Oh you are NOT a failure. As others have said up thread - this is a physical event requiring external help, be it a broken leg needing a cast, diabetes requiring insulin etc.
I have been in that position, feeling like I 'should' come off anti depressants, but you don't win a prize for it! Why make ourselves struggle. I'm so sorry you feel like you're missing something at the moment, but there is truly no shame in having a chemical crutch to support you whilst you look for whatever it is. (((I'm also sending a fully unmumsnetty hug)))

ChineseDragonLady Sat 13-Feb-16 12:49:11

When I'm on them I love myself and think I'm quite nice and it doesn't hurt me so much that I'm alone all the time. But really, that's just false isn't it?

Take them, make the most of how they make you feel - it's how you would feel if you didn't have low serotonin levels isn't it?

I'm on them and I hate myself and know that everybody else does as well. Not taking them is just not an option, I wouldn't be able to leave the house.

Don't be miserable, life is too short. Go back to the GP if you think you still need the full dose.

toastedbeagle Sat 13-Feb-16 12:51:25

As a GP I've told a fair few patients to expect their ADs to be lifelong. If your brain is low in serotonin, then you need some thing to help that.

It's not different to an asthmatic needing inhalers really.

ChineseDragonLady Sat 13-Feb-16 12:55:21

beagle do you mind me asking, is it possible for ADs to stop working after a while?

fuckingpissedofftoday Sat 13-Feb-16 12:56:07

I'm worried about side effects down the line if I stay on them forever. My AD is a very new one and does work but they have no idea of the long term effects of the drug.

I eat well and exercise and try to look after my body as best I can because I'm already managing a few complex illnesses, then feel bad about taking meds full of chemicals with unknown effects.

Tupperwarelid Sat 13-Feb-16 12:57:01

I have been on citalopram for over 5 years now, in fact I recently had my dose increased as I was struggling to cope with my son's ASD diagnosis. To the outside world I work, have a loving husband, children and supportive parents BUT what they don't know is the only way I can keep a smile on my face and not collapse in a heap under the duvet is to keep taking the ads. They keep my on the level and functioning and I have no intention of coming off them, I can't imagine coping without them.

Don't think you are a failure, it's the depression talking and that can be helped with medication.

Go easy on yourself and get back to the GP x

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