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AIBU to think they should still send the DC a birthday cards

(10 Posts)
FinallyFreeFromItAll Sat 13-Feb-16 00:06:05

Long story; So short version I left highly abusive exH because he turned his aggression on to our two young DC (biologically his). I left last Nov.
His family are fully aware of what he did (I didn't tell them but am 100% certain that they know the full story).
DD had a birthday last week - not one member of his family (except my ex-mil) sent a birthday card. I really thought ex's paternal nan, aunt and brother (the nice ones in the family) would still bother with the DC. AIBU to think that is really shitty of them to not even send DD a birthday card?

BillSykesDog Sat 13-Feb-16 00:28:09

Silly question, but do they know your address? Also, do you think that they think a card from them would be unwelcome. If their relative has been abusive towards his kids they must be awfully ashamed, and perhaps might be concerned that you would view contact from them as harassing.

If you want to keep up relationships between your children and them I would write to the one you are closest to, stressing that you split with ex, but you and the children would like to stay in contact. Give them an address where they can contact you (even your parents if you don't want ex finding out your address) and then see what happens. If you don't get a response leave it at that, their loss.

It could even be as simple as the date has slipped their mind if ex is not mentioning it.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sat 13-Feb-16 09:43:38

If mil has sent a card can you contact her and let her know how much you appreciate it and that you really want the DC to maintain contact with their paternal family even if not their dad

FinallyFreeFromItAll Sat 13-Feb-16 09:45:03

They all have my parents address as my contact address. They have been invited to see children at play areas. They didn't but ex's paternal nan, aunt and BIL live a very long way away, so I didn't expect them to see the DC more than once or twice a year but I really thought they'd still send a card.

I would think BIL would definitely know date as DD was due on his wedding day but I had a csection week before - so quite a memorable date. Also exH does have supervised contact and made a big deal out of getting some extra time for her b'day, which ex-mil also attended.

deregistered Sat 13-Feb-16 09:53:11

It's upsetting I understand that, but you have bigger fish to fry - just concentrate on your dc and making them feel safe and happy which I'm sure you are doing very well. You did the right thing by leaving a highly abusive man. Don't sweat the small stuff. His family and what they do or don't do is secondary to everything else. I'm hoping your own family have roles in your dc's lives?


CooPie10 Sat 13-Feb-16 09:57:36

Have they previously sent them cards? Or have they just always came to see them.?

FinallyFreeFromItAll Sat 13-Feb-16 10:51:52

Often they would just send cards on birthday but would see the DC other times of year when they are up visiting other family too.

Deregistered - my family are taking a big role in DC lives. I suppose its just alien to me that his have stopped bothering, especially when the DC are biologically linked to them. And its not exactly much effort to send a card.

GooseberryJam Sat 13-Feb-16 11:04:17

I think that's crap of them, though I come from a big card sending family. But I think there's also a good chance they might think date is BIL's wedding day and have forgotten it's the week before.

Hissy Sat 13-Feb-16 11:38:48

I mean his kindly, but what did you expect?

The kind of family that breeds an abuser is a dysfunctional one. Tbh, you're all best off with as little contact with them as possible. BIL will be cut from the same cloth, and I dare say the nan is too. It all comes from somewhere.

Protect your dds, you absolutely did the right thing. Get used to feeling disappointed in exfamily, they aren't people that will anything to anyone's lives.

Thank god you have a supportive family yourself.

Hissy Sat 13-Feb-16 11:39:06

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