MIL undermining driving me insane

[DiscoGlitter]

Sorry, it's a MIL thread. Honestly though, the constant undermining is really starting to grate.
Don't get me wrong, she's lovely, but why does she have to undermine ALL. THE. TIME?
This week alone we've had:
brought some huge doughnuts over twenty minutes before dinner so I said, "oh, lovely, dd can have one after dinner."
Ten minutes later she says loudly to dd "ooh, those doughnuts are lovely, lovely doughnuts! Do you want one?"
Then when I say "as I said, dinner's ready in ten minutes so can have one for dessert."
So then I look like the bad guy and dd's thinking "well, Nanny said I could have one."
Also, every single shop we go in, whether it be a supermarket or a whatever, all dd has to do is look at something and she buys it for her. Every. Single. Shop. Which sounds lovely, but it's really not when dd expects something every time we go out.
(She's only little, 6.)
If I say, "no not today, you've already bought her her magazines and sweets this week, we can get something next time", she'll say "I can't buy her anything, can I. I'll buy her something I want."
Arrrgh. AIBU? Should I let it slide?! It is ALL THE TIME though.

[DoreenLethal]

Stop going shopping or having her round at meal times?

[SaucyJack]

She doesn't sound that lovely to me.

Grandparents who play passive-aggressive power games over sugar need to fuck off IMO.

[DiscoGlitter]

She'll pop in sometimes before mealtimes so it's unavoidable at times.

[anniroc]

Can your OH have a word? It's his mother. We've had to have words about the mountains of chocolate that arrives whenever Pils visit. Yanbu - I think it's one of the hardest human relationships you can have, mine doesn't really trust me to see my own dcs across the road!

[Trojanhorsebox]

Stop going shopping or having her round at meal times?

• exactly. Have a polite discussion about your wishes as a parent, and if she can't respect that, then limit her ability to cause these problems by not putting yourself and your daughter in these situations.
  
  
  Please don't come back and tell us she provides free after school childcare for you during which time she fills your daughter full of junk food!
  
  Boundaries, limit setting etc etc

[SmallBee]

Meal times sound very annoying!

With the shopping thing is she old enough to understand that it's only MIL who will buy her whatever she wants? My DM goes a bit nuts for buying my DD stuff but I don't mind as long as it stays at their house as otherwise we'd run out of room.

[DiscoGlitter]

Ten minutes later she says loudly to dd "ooh, those doughnuts are lovely, lovely doughnuts! Do you want one?"
Then when I say "as I said, dinner's ready in ten minutes so can have one for dessert."

Missed a bit of text out of here, sorry - should read after I said that she said "oh, sorry, I didn't hear you."
You were stood right next to me.

[Chottie]

YANBU - I completely agree with you and I am a MiL. Your MiL is being very unfair to your DD and to you.

I agree with PP, don't go shopping with her any more. If she brings food round, say thank you and put it away for later. When MiL makes one of her comments - cue a tinkly laugh and say to DD 'I don't think nanny was listening, you can have some later'. Repeat as necessary.

[DiscoGlitter]

Please don't come back and tell us she provides free after school childcare for you during which time she fills your daughter full of junk food

No, no childcare.

[BoboChic]

It's absolutely fine to impose an outright ban on grandparents buying sweets, junk food etc.

You then have to give them leeway on other things.

[SonjasSister]

A friend of mine relied a lot on her DM for childcare when the kids were younger - and she was a great help. BUT friend had no control over what the kids ate, nd the gran plied the kids with sweets every evening. I don't think its a coincidence that she also used to say disrespectful things about my friend's parenting (eg, that she was at work at all ?!) in the kids hearing

These two kids, now entering teen years, are overweight. And self-conscious about it. They are also disrespectful to their parents, to an extent I find distressing to witness at times. May not be the only reason of course, but I really don't think DGM helped.

This sort of behaviour is not harmless. Perhaps you can tell your mum it is not fair on your DD to be getting such mixed messages about whether to listen to her mother (ie you) or not, and you believe she will be a lot happier if all the adults in her life are consistent. Tell her this is the best way she can show her love for her DGD.

[SonjasSister]

Sorry, forgot was MiL. I do hope DH can help here. Chottie's advice sounds like a good way to go about it. Be firm, be consistent!

[0hCrepe]

Very annoying but you stood your ground well. Was your MIL hungry? Maybe she wanted one really and wanted to crack them open?

[DiscoGlitter]

Very annoying but you stood your ground well.
Thanks I just always feel as if I'm causing confrontation and angst as I've started to pull up on every little thing, every single time as I'm that fed up with it.
Was your MIL hungry? Maybe she wanted one really and wanted to crack them open?
The doughnuts got opened as she wanted one with her cup of coffee.
Which is when she said "oh, they're lovely doughnuts, dd. Do you want one?"
About 5 mins after I'd said no. Gah.
DD, on the other hand, won't die of doughnut deprivation if she has to wait for her dinner which was in ten minutes.

[OnlyLovers]

Someone's already asked this, but what does your DH say? He could/should tell her.

Otherwise, or if that doesn't work, just don't let her in when she pops round before mealtimes. And stop going shopping with her.

[DiscoGlitter]

Someone's already asked this, but what does your DH say? He could/should tell her.

He's tried. It goes in one ear and out the other.

[OnlyLovers]

OK, well if she won't listen then you have to just remove her from situations in which she can do these things.

So, no popping in at mealtimes (or, if you must, take things off her firmly with a big smile and thank-you and put them away for after dinner), and don't take her shopping with you and DD any more.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

You need to pre-empt her.

If she pops in before mealtimes, don't let her past your threshhold before relieving her of donuts etc. Seriously! Open the door, before she's so much as opened her mouth, stand there blocking the doorway, look pained and say 'I'm just about to feed DD and I don't want her filling up with rubbish and not eating. If you've brought anything with you, hand it over now! Then smile sweetly. No pissing about, I doubt subtlety would penetrate.

As for shopping, I just wouldn't take her and I'd tell her why. And if she claimed she wouldn't buy DD anything, look her straight in the eye and say ' and would you be saying to DD that mummy told you not to, making me out to be the bad guy again? No, that doesn't work for me'. Be absolutely clear to her that you know what she's doing and you're stopping it NOW.

Yes, she'll have a paddy. There may be tears. She will almost certainly complain to your DH. Again, pre-empt her. Tell him in advance what you are doing and make it clear it needs to be done.

Grandmothers undermining mothers or fathers is something I feel needs to be nipped in the bud. Strongly. (But I'm sure you already guessed that .)

[Oldraver]

Please do not undermine me...after everything

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

That sounds maddening. My mother sidles up to me and asks before doing anything like that.

I've no constructive advice I'm afraid. My immediate thought when I read the OP was 'Oh, just lose your temper with her!'