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AIBU to be raging with my mother over this?

(139 Posts)
Nicebucket Fri 12-Feb-16 07:37:07

Mum and I are very close- the only family we have is each other, so I've always been insecure of losing her, something happening to her.

She lives in Asia, but we keep in regular contact.

Yesterday out of the blue she tells me she's going for this trip to a very dangerous place. I'm not religious at all, but my mother is. And this place has some sort of religious significance. It's also for tourism purposes, but the fact that this place is "holy" was the main driver.

It's in the mountains, in a place prone to landslides, casualties and dangerous weather.

The surrounding areas are prone to terrorist activity.

She could have taken a flight, but no, she's taken a 14 hour train journey instead because it's £50 cheaper. I offered to pay the bloody £50 which could have gotten her there in ONE HOUR INSTEAD.

reaching the "holy" shrine requires a TEN HOUR hike up the mountains. She's got osteoporosis and slip disks in her back and she's medically not supposed to do this. I've begged her to take a helicopter instead which I will pay for, I have no idea if she'll listen.

The queue to view the holiness, is apparently SIX to SIXTEEN hours.

The best part? There is no mobile phone network there. None.

So until Saturday evening I won't know whether she's ok or not, alive or not.

I was totally honest with her about the anxiety this would cause me, I requested her repeatedly not to go. At least not until she had better planned her trip. But she obviously doesn't give a fuck about either logic or what I feel.

ThomasRichard Fri 12-Feb-16 07:40:23

YANBU to be worried and wish she had planned things better but she's an adult and can go wherever she wants, however she wants. As you're an adult too it's not as though she's leaving a dependent child to go off on a reckless adventure.

araiba Fri 12-Feb-16 07:40:26


she can do what she wants. she is old enough to choose herself

go with her if you want

DoreenLethal Fri 12-Feb-16 07:43:08

She could have done all that, and not told you until she got back.

She is a grown adult woman, let her go do what she wants.

Sirzy Fri 12-Feb-16 07:43:27

I was ready to say you are being unreasonable but the more I read the more I agreed with you. You can't do any more than you have though - unless you can go with her?

Will she be able to get travel insurance?

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 12-Feb-16 07:43:59

Maybe the longer slog journey is being taken because she assumes it will be more spiritually resonating? Not that Im religious so I dont know, just maybe it will feel like more or a pilgrimage.

Yanbu in wanting her to do the safer options or not to go at all, but she is her own woman and is perfectly entitled to live her life as she chooses

Gatehouse77 Fri 12-Feb-16 07:46:16

I don't think raging is the right word. You are, understandably, worried and scared about not only the trip but the other possible outcomes for her general health and, worst case scenario, her life.

Would she understand your feelings better if they were written down and she had time to digest them before responding? Sometimes people become naturally defensive about a decision when it's being challenged, and over the phone requires an immediate response.

Nicebucket Fri 12-Feb-16 07:46:40

I have a job, I can't drop it at the last minute and go with her.

Besides I live and work in London. It will take me ages to get there.

I'm now feeling horrible I asked her to take a helicopter because I've just read up that those aren't safe. And her phones stopped working so can't even call and tell her that.

FunkyPeacock Fri 12-Feb-16 07:46:40

YANBU to be worried but YABU to be 'raging'

As others have said, she is an adult and capable of making her own choices

You don't own her

Nicebucket Fri 12-Feb-16 07:48:15


I already sent her text messages and an email explaining what I felt. She has gone and done what she wants anyway.

She's an hour away from the last train station, her mobile phone won't work until Saturday now.

CottonFrock Fri 12-Feb-16 07:48:31

OP, you're not saying anything that parents of children on gap years haven't wanted to say, but usually suppress. You can't guilt-trip someone into not taking a trip just because you think it's too dangerous.

Nicebucket Fri 12-Feb-16 07:48:52

Fine, I don't own her, but I'd like to see her if the tables were turned and I did this to her.

Katenka Fri 12-Feb-16 07:53:33

Yanbu to worry about her.

Yabu to email her your feelings and expect her to change her plans for you.

You sound very anxious. What made you google helicopter safety? At the end of the day, she is an adult. You are not her dependent and she can do what she wants.

She probably wouldn't be happy if you did this. But she would have no right to demand you don't do it either.

Dh is a pilot. I am terrified of flying and I am very anxious when he goes up. But he is an adult and has always wanted to fly. Whilst I don't like it, I recognise he is an adult and makes he owns decisions.

Nicebucket Fri 12-Feb-16 07:55:46

I don't for a second think I have the right to tell her what to do, but I think she is illogical, and selfish for going on a brainless trip like this.

And I am about to spend the worst 48 hours of my life worrying about her.

Katenka Fri 12-Feb-16 07:58:27

You clearly do think you have the right.

You said I already sent her text messages and an email explaining what I felt. She has gone and done what she wants anyway.

you hoped you would tell her how you felt and she wouldn't do it. That she would do as you said.

As I said I understand why you are worried and understand that. But it's not selfish of her. She is doing something she wants to do.

Gatehouse77 Fri 12-Feb-16 08:00:01

Nicebucket you've done what you can but it won't change the way you feel and nobody can tell you how to feel.

It's a difficult situation and, as someone further up said, it's similar to kids doing gap years. As there's nothing you can do to change it perhaps it's time to accept it, take a deep breath and wait for the phonecall that reassures you all is okay.

catsinthecraddle Fri 12-Feb-16 08:18:05

When adults put themselves in unnecessary danger, the public is very quick to judge and make negative comments (think people in storms or in unsafe areas)

You are right to be worried, you care. Unfortunately, she is a grown-up so there's not much you can do. I think you were totally right to express your fears, you might be completely wrong but you have valid points.

I hope she is fine, you have done everything you could to try to help, now try to relax. She does not want to accept that she is not fit enough or too old, don't blame her for that.

BlueJug Fri 12-Feb-16 08:25:26

I understand how you feel OP. It is awful when people you love do stupid things and take risks that they know you will worry about. I think that you are right to be angry. And no of course you cannot control her and she can do what she likes but the reality is she is making a choice with no thought about the impact on you.

A reasonable discussion would be a start. It sounds as if she really is putting herself in danger. I hope that she returns safely soon.

ohtheholidays Fri 12-Feb-16 08:29:15

Of course YANBU,I'd feel exactly the same if it had been my Mum or Dad.

Is your Mum going with anyone else or maybe meeting up with someone there?

I can understand why she'd want to do it but with her health being the way it is if it was me I wouldn't be doing it.You may find OP that she doesn't do the hike or the waiting for hours,that would be alot for someone with the health conditions that your Mum has.But if she does there should be lots of other people there doing the same as your Mother and being as it's a Pilgrimage she shouldn't be short of offers of help.

I think all you should do now is try and keep as busy as you can until you can reach your Mum by phone.

WhirlyTwos Fri 12-Feb-16 08:31:50

It's lovely that you care so much about your Mum. But there are risks everywhere, and you cannot expect someone to curtail the life they want to lead based on the fears of another. Otherwise our lives are not pur own. In all probability she will be fine and return enriched by her experience.

expatinscotland Fri 12-Feb-16 08:34:38

'I think she is illogical, and selfish for going on a brainless trip like this.

And I am about to spend the worst 48 hours of my life worrying about her.'

Get a grip. This is the worst 48 hours of your life? Count yourself very lucky. She's an adult who is no longer responsible for caring for children, there's nothing at all selfish about taking whatever trips you want in that part of life. I'm sure she has thought long and hard about this and her faith is important to her.

maybebabybee Fri 12-Feb-16 08:41:10

Why are people being so horrible to the OP? She might have anxiety issues and it's not nice to be told to get a grip when you're in the throes of anxiety. I would know.

OP, I have major anxiety issues around my mum so I know how you feel. Gently, though, YABU - I'm afraid it's her life and she can make her own choices (however daft).

Jinglebells99 Fri 12-Feb-16 08:41:40

How old is your mum? I would be worried too but hopefully she will be fine .

CrushedNinjas Fri 12-Feb-16 08:48:22

YABU and the selfish one in this situation.

You as an adult, have chosen to move away from your home but you expect her to sit tight and never undertake any adventures of her own, because of the impact it will have on your overactive imagination. Grow up!

Your mum is entitled to do what she wants with her life even if that included getting a job in the middle of a war zone.

But it's not, it's a holy pilgrimage that is important to her.

Send her another email apologising for being melodramatic and selfish and wish her a lovely trip.

CooPie10 Fri 12-Feb-16 08:52:52

Yanbu to feel concerned about her, but Yabu to have behaved like you did and try guilt her into staying back. It's great that she still went ahead and didn't allow you to hold her back. You should email her and apologize.

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