Birthday AIBU(16 Posts)
Fully prepared to be told I’m BU here. Brief background – I hate birthdays, I don’t really get the point of adults making a big song and dance for their birthday. Obviously that’s a very personal opinion and I’m always happy to help other people celebrate, I just hate it for myself. Usually for my birthday we just have a meal out with the kids and that’s it.
This is the year of the 40ths for myself and all my friends. DH loves birthdays and has been putting the hard word on me to have a party for mine. I’ve conceded a bit, and have loosely agreed to organising some drinks with my group of friends. The issue is that one of my oldest friends has her birthday a few days before mine (also her 40th), so we need to coordinate dates. Ages ago we agreed that she would have one Saturday, and I’d do something for mine on the following Saturday. I’m away the weekend before her agreed date, and the weekend following mine is a holiday weekend so most people will be away.
She’s just told me that she now has a whole family weekend away planned for her agreed date to celebrate her birthday, so wants to have a friends lunch on the Sunday on my weekend, so would be the day after my drinks. 80% of my guest list would also be invited to her lunch. Doing something combined is not an option – both of us would hate that and was vetoed ages ago.
Given that I hate birthdays and was already feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing, would it be unreasonable of me just to chuck the towel in and tell her to take that Saturday night instead? She has said she could do a date a couple of weeks later, but that would be nearly a month after her actual birthday.
So I’m not accused of drip feeding later, there is history with birthdays between us. Many of mine in our 20s went by completely unacknowledged by her (despite me making an effort for hers), and I’ve had shitty experiences in the past with trying to arrange things but then it all just turning to custard. Hence my dislike of the whole concept of them now. There will be a lot of pressure from various people to do something, but this has just left a bad taste in my mouth.
Fuck, this is long. Sorry.
I've already told DH that I'm completely reneging on any plans for that Saturday for me. The issue now is telling my friend that she can have that date - she'll likely tell me not to be silly, and if I'm completely honest, i would probably not enjoy her drinks / dinner / whatever she arranges if she does use that night. It's a lose-lose situation for me really due to my own stupid issues.
Can you not just do something the weekend she has her family weekend? It sounds like it would only be her that couldn't make it
and you don't seem to particularly like her
Definitely wouldn't want to do anything on that weekend. The whole point is that we were planning around each other so we could both be there.
I do like her! We've been friends for nearly 30 years so massive amount of history. Lived in each other's pockets for years, of course though have slightly drifted as we've aged.
Her not bothering with my birthday many times was mostly down to some mental health issues she has, often triggered by her own birthday. As mine is so close, it was a casualty of that. Probably one of the reasons I now hate birthdays is mine has always been shit, not helped by one of my oldest friends overshadowing it somewhat for whatever reason. I've long since forgiven her for the issues in the past, as she's sorted her meds and is great now. I stopped celebrating my birthday years ago so not been a big deal since. I just wanted once for it to actually be acknowledged.
Why don't you tell her you don't mind if she died something on Saturday - just don't trek her you have a quiet meal or planned with your family?
You don't have to go - do you?
Thing is if it is mutual friends who knew it was going to be your do originally, will they not just great it as a joint do, Whetter that is the plan or not?
I can't really see the problem to be honest. You do your thing and she does her thing. So what if there's overlap in the guest lists.
So the one year that you actually want your friends to gather to celebrate your birthday she is trying to top that and have a get together the night after your supposed get together?
Just tell her to do what she wants; that your birthday has been overshadowed by hers since forever so what's the point of you arranging anything and agreeing dates when she just changes it anyway?
I really don't think she's done it intentionally. She messaged me today asking if I'd mind if she sorted a lunch for the day after my planned evening. I just don't think it would be fair on our friends to be invited to a drinks gathering one night, then lunch the next day, neither of which I think kids would be invited too - well mine would have been adults only, and I think she wants a grown ups lunch.
Neither of us want a joint party, and I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of mine at her event. I do need to go to hers though. She's not planning anything for the weekend before hers purely because I'll be out of town that weekend.
I think that for once you need to take a stand. Even if you don't want/like birthdays, it doesn't mean she can take over every available time slot.
Just text back saying actually you do mind, that you are just having drinks with a few close friends to mark a milestone and that her plans are clash with yours.
With past experience she knows you will give in and it will become HER birthday - obvs she is free to do as she wants.
How far away is her venue from yours, and is it relaxed or dressy uppy?
I actually think it could work out well. Lazy hungover Sunday lunch can be quite good fun the day after a big party.
I agree with Saucy, I've been out the night before and then we've met for lunch the next day.
I think you need to decide where you stand over your Birthday, one the one had you're not bothered, but you are bothered enough that she's never made a fuss.
There seems to be a lot of angst, that should have been well got over, as you reach 40.
I personally would ask her if she wants the Saturday night and surly everyone will treat it as a double event.
I've never known these issues to arise, in a proper friendship group, in anyone over 25.
I don't see the big deal with you having your party on the Sat night and her having a lunch on the Sunday? Its not a clash.
If anything I would probably go to your party and have a night out, I'd decline her lunch then go to her party in a few weeks time.
You say 'it wouldn't be fair on our friends' but I'm failing to see why you should just throw away your party because of a lunch on a different day.
Are you worried that the mutual friends will decline your invitation in favour of her lunch and you're pre-empting rejection by cancelling your party?
It's more that we had the dates all sorted. I had been talked into actually doing something this year and it was all kind of arranged. Now she's come back wanting to do something on 'my' weekend that it's just soured it. Sounds ridiculously petty I know.
The angst is purely me, and yes, madness at my age! After many years of letdowns on birthdays I have a predisposition that they will all be shit.
All my friends work ft and have primary aged kids, thus filling up a whole weekend with two arrangements is just not ideal. Besides that's not really the point - this was meant to be my weekend!!
You arranged that you would have one saturday and she would have another.
Nobody has changed that, she has told you she is having a lunch on the Sunday of "your weekend"....but you didn't agree to have entire weekends, just saturday night. I don't see what she has done wrong at all.
You say you don't like birthdays and don't see the point, yet you expect the whole weekend to be kept free....ah come, you protest too much!
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