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AIBU to have mixed feelings about my baby which would be due around now?

(8 Posts)
TutuEarly Wed 10-Feb-16 22:25:40

I had a MMC over the summer. My baby would be due around now. I was devastated at the time.

It was my third pregnancy; I've one boy and one girl already.

The third pregnancy wasn't planned and I was initially horrified but quickly came round to the idea of three children.

I've a 3 year old and a 1 year old now and I feel guilty as I'm thinking the third child just wasn't 'meant to be'. I don't know how I'd cope with another child at the minute. I'm working and looking after two young children.

Yet, I feel so sad that my baby died.

Can't explain how i feel.

Quodlibet Wed 10-Feb-16 22:29:53

I'm sorry about your loss.

It's ok to have both those feelings at the same time. You shouldn't feel guilty.

Of course you feel grief at your loss. And it's also completely natural to feel relieved that you don't have another unplanned child to look after when your resources are already stretched. It doesn't make your love for or grief for the lost baby any less valid.

Take care of yourself and please don't beat yourself up for your feelings.

Moln Wed 10-Feb-16 22:30:51

I know how you feel as I am very similar to you just five years ago. Third pregnancy, total shock; then I miscarried. I too realise that a third child would have been tough, turned my world around, wasn't necessarily something I wanted. But I still miss that baby, each year a certain day in August finds me sad.

It's tough, be kind to yourself.

Needaninsight Wed 10-Feb-16 22:36:10

I still miss my first baby. Would have been four now. MMC at 17 weeks. I've since had two other children, but never forget I've had 3 pregnancies.

I don't think you ever forget. What happened is a part of you.

AGBforever Wed 10-Feb-16 23:32:32

Same here; my first baby didn't make it - hard to know when he died as it was also technically MMC as we were initially told possibly wrong dates when he seemed small at booking scan. But he passed from my body between 18-20 weeks (worse pains than actual labour) although we knew by then he wasn't going to make it. I sometimes get caught out as I have been asked 'how many babies now?' It's tough cos I don't want to say 2 as that denies his existence, but clearly I don't have 3 tots running around. It's really hard to know how to talk about it but harder to know how to feel about it. He would have been 4 in August. Elvis, we called him as a bump.

You feel the way you feel and that's ok. It just sucks, that's all.

Bambalina Thu 11-Feb-16 03:46:03

My second pregnancy's due date was yesterday. She would have been 6. Mixed feelings, because with her, I wouldn't have Miss 3, but without was a horrible horrible place for a long time.
I had a chemical pregnancy in May (my 4th loss) and would have been due in the last 2 weeks, very mixed feelings about that, as I really wanted (and still do) a second, but know that DP does not, and to have had a second child probably would have been the final nail in the relationship coffin.
Grief is weird and complicated and I think conflicting feelings are all part of it flowers I'm sorry for your loss

fatowl Thu 11-Feb-16 04:14:15

I was in the exact same position about 13 years ago, except I lost my 4th baby. Totally unplanned, my DD3 was 18 months.

We had just begun to come around, and I lost it at about 13 weeks. It was messy, involved two nights in hospital and and D&C (they thought it was ectopic). We decided not to try again, we had three, always planned to have three.

Now my kids are teens and the 4th baby would have been about 12 and I sometimes wonder what would have been like with 4.

It would have been due on 4th March, I always remember.

Junosmum Thu 11-Feb-16 05:35:21

Mine would have been 7 this May. But it wasn't meant to be. Unplanned and not great timing, I miscarried the day I found out, barely time to comprehend it all. I was sad but slightly relieved. I still think about that baby now though, even though I have a beautiful DS. At the time I couldn't have coped with a baby, it just wasn't meant to be. I think all emotions around such events are totally normal. You are not alone.

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