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to be finding it hard to cope with my past and move on?

(7 Posts)
possiblyunreasonable Wed 10-Feb-16 11:42:47

Ex and I broke up years ago and I don't tend to talk about my life with him much with DP.

Recently we were talking and something came up on TV that must have just triggered a memory and I started telling DP stuff I've never told him before, details and specifics I had tried so hard not to think about it but I just felt like I needed to share it with him.

I just cried and cried talking about it.

Mostly because of my Dc's. I stayed with ex for so much long when I shouldn't have, ex was abusive and neglectful to me and dc's.

I'm so full of guilt and shame for not leaving sooner and I feel sick about what my poor dc's had to suffer because of him. I think I knew deep down at the time it was all so wrong but I made so many excuses for ex and gave him way too many chances to change.

And why? Because I was scared of what would happen if I left? Because I didn't think I could cope alone? None of it seems like a good enough excuse. I just pray the dc's were too young to remember the worst stuff.

I'm so scared that ds will hate me when he is older and ask me why I didn't do more to protect him. What will I say?

It was years ago now so aibu to still be upset about this? I don't know how to move on and get over it, sometimes I feel like I never will sad

JellyTotCat Wed 10-Feb-16 11:52:27

You did leave though and you should be proud of that. By doing so you gave the dc a clear message that it wasn't acceptable. Hopefully others can advise on counselling to help you all move on.

LineyReborn Wed 10-Feb-16 11:53:50

You know, lots and lots of people stay 'too long' with abusive partners because they think they can somehow fix it, or they are in denial, or it has become their normality, or they are trying to protect their children; or all of the above.

I think it's normal to feel guilty, but please don't let it consume you. It's good you're not minimising what happened; but allow yourself a happy future.

possiblyunreasonable Wed 10-Feb-16 12:19:16

Looking back on it I just feel so angry with myself that I didn't see it or do something about it sooner.

I have just finished a course of councilling jelly but I didn't talk about my ex. There just wasn't enough time. Tbh I don't think it helped very much I don't really feel any better for it.

So scared that I will get flamed and judged because they would be right it they did but it's so hard to hear.

liinyo Wed 10-Feb-16 12:23:10

Well done for being brave enough to get out of that situation.

It might help to have another round of counselling as it sounds as if you are ready/need to talk about your Ex now.

ijustwannadance Wed 10-Feb-16 12:33:13

You might not think it has helped, but just being able to talk about it and let it out to your DP is like a release of all the stuff you have been bottling up and can only be good in the long run.

AliceScarlett Wed 10-Feb-16 13:39:02

Yes of course you should have left earlier.... But you had very valid reasons to stay, people don't put up with behaviour like that for fun. You dont need to carry around this blame and guilt. We all make mistakes.
I think you could be proud of yourself for leaving and come to terms with this more if you had some more time and space to discuss it and work through it. Can you request more counselling? flowers

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