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AIBU?

To be annoyed that nursery worker called ds sneaky?

106 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:16

DS, who has just turned 3, went into a nursery 6 months ago. He goes through periods of being settled and not settling there (eg periods of crying going in). We've also been told from time to time he has hit others in the class. He's also the only boy in his class too. The last few weeks have been v good since he toilet trained which he's taken to ( think he's enjoying the praise) but today when I went in to collect him, and was standing holding him in my arms, I was told today was a bad day and he was hit some other children and the worker called him "sneaky" because apparently he kicked someone under the table. Am I being precious to think a just turned 3 year old shouldn't be labelled sneaky, in front of him and all the others in the class? We had issues a few months where he was calling himself bad, and we don't know where that came from. Have a little niggly feeling that this worker is a bit abrupt with all the children, but also not sure if she's taken against him (eg last year I think he told her he didn't like her and she didn't take it well). Or am I being a bit precious ? Re the hitting, we had a chat with him tonight about not hurting others which he seemed to take on board, also previously I've noticed his behaviour deteriorates when tired, I wasn't here last night and I suspect he may have been 30 to 40
Mins late to bed (dh is a bit lax). Should
I say something to her about it being inappropriate language?

OP posts:

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WorraLiberty · 09/02/2016 23:22

It's not inappropriate language.

If he kicked another kid under the table then that was sneaky.

Lots of kids are sneaky. Mine were too when they were little. They'd give each other a sly dig while sitting on the couch in front of me...thinking I couldn't see out of the corner of my eye!

It's nothing I didn't do as a kid and nothing most kids don't do at some point.

Just carry on dealing with his behaviour and don't shoot the messenger.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:25

I guess we've been working hard to tell him he's not bad - I don't want him now thinking of himself as sneaky as well.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/02/2016 23:25

It's hard to say tbh

what he did was sneaky. and I'd tell my dd so. that it was sneaky and unkind.

him telling her he didn't like her was also rude although I realise kids are usually brutally honest and as adults we have to nit take it to personally.

it does sound like he doesn't particularly behave himself and they probably could handle it better but you need to take on board there are things you can do. like making sure your dh puts him to he'd on time and your not sending him to nursery tired and knowing he will have a rough day.

having said that your feeling is there fir a reason and id he inclined to listen to it. even when going perfectly well sonetimes there just isn't the right fit there.

what is their dicipline strategy and are you on board/happy with it?

Only1scoop · 09/02/2016 23:25

It's not 'inappropriate language' though really.

She was just explaining what she'd witnessed. Many kids go through that sly dig or kick, pinch stage etc.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 09/02/2016 23:27

Yes, YABU and a bit precious. Kicking someone under the table is sneaky.

You should speak to your DH in the first instance about being lax with the bedtimes if you feel that impacts your son's behaviour, not the nursery worker.

IguanaTail · 09/02/2016 23:28

It's not inappropriate, it's accurate. Have other parents complained about him hitting and kicking?

BillSykesDog · 09/02/2016 23:30

YABU. It was descriptive and accurate. Very trivial thing to complain about.

Arkwright · 09/02/2016 23:31

It is sneaky behaviour to kick under the table. Nothing inappropriate about using the word.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/02/2016 23:31

Ynbu. Give a child a label they will live up to it.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 23:35

OP your child is 3 and really shouldn't be hitting others at all. He's now taken to doing it on the quiet, which is sneaky. Maybe you could start being a bit less lenient with him when he does unkind things.

Gruntfuttock · 09/02/2016 23:36

This sounds like a classic case of shooting the messenger.

Buttons23 · 09/02/2016 23:38

But it is sneaky to kick another child under the table. She was describing what happened. Is she supposed to never tell you when he hits other children.

Honestly I would be more concerned about the hitting and the late bedtime affecting his behaviour.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:38

I guess I'm super sensitive because I know he doesn't really like going there. I work longer hours than my dh so I rarely see his key worker ( she's usually gone if I'm doing pick up, was a bit early today) but there's times when he gets so upset going in, even when he doesn't cry it's more resignation than enthusiasm ( I think). So I guess I'm looking for reasons why.
My dh assures me he was only about 20 mins late but I'm not sure I believe him. I'm the one always chasing ds to bed especially when I realised it might be affecting his behaviour at nursery (we're not routine-y people). I have reiterated to dh the importance of his bedtime but when it comes to time keeping he's horrendous. He doesn't really have a routine in the morning either - my dh starts work at different times so drops him in at different times - if we were to drop him in at a fixed time it could mean a lot more time in the nursery.

OP posts:

Lurkedforever1 · 09/02/2016 23:41

Yabu. It was sneaky.

CottonFrock · 09/02/2016 23:44

Inappropriate. You label the behaviour, not the child. Kicking someone under the table was a sneaky thing to do, and she was right to call him on it, but calling the three year old who did the thing sneaky is counter-productive.

I had to talk to my three-year-old's nursery about a staff member repeatedly calling him 'slowcoach'. He is a frustratingly slow eater who is completely uninterested in food, and we're working on that and welcome their input, but while saying he eats slowly is fine, calling him 'slowcoach' is not only unpleasant, but has led to him not wanting to eat at all at pre-school.

kavvLar · 09/02/2016 23:45

I get it OP. I am a fan of labelling the behaviour not the child. Subtle difference and I may well be called precious for it, but there you go. I think your reaction is to the suggestion that your DS is inherently sneaky. He is not. However he displayed sneaky behaviour which is something not ideal that he can address.

So:

'Little Tommy when you kicked little George under the table that was sneaky behaviour. You hurt him and you tried to do it without anyone seeing. That is not ok'

fine by me.

But:

'Little Tommy you are really sneaky, how mean you made poor George cry. You are a naughty boy'

not so much.

kavvLar · 09/02/2016 23:45

X post with cotton

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/02/2016 23:46

Or am I being a bit precious ?

Very - not once did you sympathise with the kids he hurts! I'm sure their parents have other adjectives!

He has learnt that he gets into trouble when caught - so yes he was sneaky!!

Why not call him I it? It's honest!

So he doesn't like it - find mother one

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2016 23:46

Just explain that he isn't bad but he was being bad.

He isn't sneaky but he was being sneaky.

You get the idea.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 23:46

If you know (I did) that he doesn't like going there could you change the nursery?

Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:47

I'm not disputing the behaviour was sneaky, the issue is with labelling him sneaky, in front of everyone. I understand that little children lie/stretch the truth but would you then tell a child they were a liar? I agree cotton frock.

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 09/02/2016 23:48

I think if your child's behaviour deteriorates when he's tired and your husband us so lax regarding time, then that's what you should be dealing with, instead of complaining about nursery. He's acting up because your husband is being slack.

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WorraLiberty · 09/02/2016 23:49

And are you sure she actually called him sneaky, as in "Your son is sneaky"

Or did she say he was being sneaky?

I only ask because when my kids were little, I witnessed a mother bursting into tears and telling all the other mums that the nursery worker said her daughter was spiteful.

She didn't say that at all. What she said was, "X was being a little bit spiteful this morning towards Y".

Totally different.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 09/02/2016 23:51

It depends whether the nursery worker called him sneaky or said he was being sneaky by kicking the other child under the table.

The first is in effect 'Labelling' him
The second is calling his behaviour in this instance sneaky

I don't have an issue with either in the context that you gave. Bottom line was his behaviour was naughty, he shouldn't have done it and the nursery worker was relating that to you so you can reiterate at home that it's not acceptable behaviour. If the nursery worker did indeed call him sneaky, then she could have perhaps worded it a different way in front of your son.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/02/2016 23:51

No - but they do tell fibs -

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