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AIBU to want to call police on MIL??!!

(112 Posts)
paperchase0verdone Tue 09-Feb-16 20:39:19

Ok, so this is a long thread so please bare with me! lol
My DW's Gran passed away on November 6th 2015. Funeral was booked for the following week.
Now Gran was the type to always have money, she didn't buy much and was a bit of a money hoarder, well a hoarder all around TBF. So Gran has 4 children. My MIL being one of them and the only girl.
Gran had cancer and other complications so had to spend near off 6 weeks in the hospital. Gran left my MIL her bank card and asked her to pay of Provident for her every week (£50) Gran received DLA and Income Support. So as her bills came out Direct Debit (only had SKY at that time which was £27 a month) Gran came out to find most of her money gone (!) out of her bank but never said anything to my MIL as she was to ill to even worry about that (Gran died a week later at home)
Funeral bill comes through. MIL took £700 out of Gran account to pay deposit on funeral. Left to pay was £2400. Gran's benefits were still getting paid and we presumed MIL would pay it towards funeral. Gran was gifted a £450 cheque from Marie Curie which was delivered AFTER Gran was gone. Again, we thought it would go towards the funeral bill. MIL had applied to the benefits to help pay and they awarded her £1600 towards funeral cost, which left £800.
Now if we take into account the £450 from Marie Curie, that would leave £350. Gran was due her final benefit payment on the 9th November (not sure on the amount) So there's us thinking all paid off! Great.
Oh how wrong was we?!?!
MIL had in fact SPENT the cheque of Marie Curie, has SPENT every penny from Gran's bank account (the benefits still paying in) and the funeral home were giving her FINAL DEMANDS to pay the remaining balance. MIL has admitted to taking money from Gran account, making the account over drawn.
I'm FUMING! So is my DW but not as badly as me. I'm on the boarder of going round there and just kicking off because as Gran's kids WONT pay, I'M NOW HAVING TO PAY THE REST OFF!! Well, I say I but I mean we. But you know what I mean. We have 2 children as well as a Foster Child and spending that amount out is just going to kick us where it hurts.
MIL still has Gran bank cards, wont hand anything over to us because she knows we will see she has been taking money which would have paid this off. AIBU to want to go to the police? DW thinks I shouldn't but isn't this THEFT & FRAUD? Surly so. DW doesn't think it is theft. I said it is because it isn't money MIL is entitled to or deserves.
She spent bloody charity money FGS. Money that could have gone to someone else, someone living, someone who deserves it. Not on bloody handbags (MIL had a new handbag every few days, fags, the whole lot) She was living the life of bloody riley.
So yes, the question is, AIBU about wanting to call the police and see if we can press charges? See if they can shut her bank account off? Get MIL done for fraud? This whole situation is stressing out my DW so badly. Not sleeping, not eating, crying, snappy. Just awful.

ENormaSnob Tue 09-Feb-16 20:42:51


whois Tue 09-Feb-16 20:44:25

Well it is theft and/or fraud.

If MiL isn't going to pay it back in, like, tomorrow - then I would call the police.

MrsHathaway Tue 09-Feb-16 20:47:19


Even if she was due to inherit every penny, it wasn't hers to spend when she spent it. Appalling behaviour.

But what do you expect to happen?

Gliblet Tue 09-Feb-16 20:47:22

The money your MIL took before Gran died was definitely theft BUT if Gran had given MIL her PIN number (which I assume is how she got the cash) then it'll be hard to prove now that it was theft and she hadn't given permission for the money to be withdrawn.

After her death however - if she left a will, the executor has very set responsibilities legally. If there was no will then no money should have been withdrawn from her estate without everything going through probate.

CaveMum Tue 09-Feb-16 20:47:48

It's definitely theft, and surely when it comes to settling her estate it will be noticed that activity continued in her accounts after her death.

ridemesideways Tue 09-Feb-16 20:49:26

YANBU. Who is administering Gran's estate? Her bank account should be closed immediately and all benefits & authorities notified. Do you have a copy of the death certificate? Who is applying for probate / administration?

It's certainly an offence.

Polgara25 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:52:18

It's theft.

Ring the police.

Stealing from your dying mother is utterly abhorrent.

If a family member did this I would not hesitate to report it. Your MIL has crossed a line.

Penfold007 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:52:23

The DWP will want any overpaid benefits back. YANBU

RatherBeRiding Tue 09-Feb-16 20:53:05

If no-one has notified the bank or DWP of the death, and benefits are still being paid in - and spent by a third party (MIL) then it is certainly theft/fraud.

Speak to the police. Everything HAS to go through probate and it does rather sound like MIL intends to help herself to everything she can without any authority to do so.

notapizzaeater Tue 09-Feb-16 20:54:08

I'd be calling the police, how disrespectful to your Nan and the rest of the family.

Jelliebabe1 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:54:26

No do it, that's disgraceful

Sunnybitch Tue 09-Feb-16 20:55:20

Yanbu and id take pleasure in doing it!

What a heartless fucking cow your Mil is to firstly take the money and secondly to spend it on fucking hand bags and shit, knowing how Ill her mother was...

RandomMess Tue 09-Feb-16 20:56:02

Yes go to the police, otherwise she'll be selling all the items off and pocketing the cash for them as well.

Why are you paying for the funeral - let them deal with getting the money from the estate?

gamerchick Tue 09-Feb-16 20:59:16

Why wasn't anywhere notified of the death? Surely there's going to be a bit of a hefty overpayment?

I think I would go to the police just to make sure I wasn't going to get a finger pointed at me and not let those cards anywhere near me confused

Lauren15 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:59:41

She deserves to be reported to the police but how are you going to deal with your wife?

greenfolder Tue 09-Feb-16 21:00:20

It's theft and fraud. Funeral expenses have to be paid first out of any estate.which is why when accounts are frozen following death, banks will still settle off a funeral account direct to the funeral provider.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 09-Feb-16 21:00:33

Good lord, the way some people behave when it comes to money/things when a supposed loved one dies really beggars belief sometimes.

What sort of daughter wouldn't see her mum buried with dignity?

Call the police.

paperchase0verdone Tue 09-Feb-16 21:04:47

Gran didn't have any kind of estate. She lived in a flat/care facility that was provided by the council for her. Gran has always rented privately - never owned her own home. The care home/council took back the flat, giving the family time to pack up (which MIL completely f****d up!) different post lol!
Gran didn't leave any kind of will - she was fine, healthy going out everyday, just being Gran. Then the next day she fainted and couldn't breath, was rushed to hospital in a coma, they found the cancer and internal bleeding. She had 28 elastic bands put down her throat to stem the bleeding and couldn't operate as the bleeding was to bad.
Gran didn't think about any kind of will, she couldn't even breath properly. Gran felt ok on the last day of hospital and discharged herself as she wanted to die at home. She got home, MIL settled her in etc and Gran was (as far as I'm aware) getting her will in order that week, just before it happened, Gran fell on her way to the toilet (MIL was asleep) and Gran hit her head and died there and then.
She was also dehydrated as MIL didn't keep her fluids up.
Gran did give MIL her pin, as she needed her to draw the cash out for Provident.

Strokethefurrywall Tue 09-Feb-16 21:04:49

Absolutely call the police and DO NOT pay a penny towards the funeral. Let them go after her for the remainder.

What an abhorrent bitch. Sorry, must be awful for your wife.

MrsUniverse Tue 09-Feb-16 21:08:13

Please call the police. Please.

PippaHotamus Tue 09-Feb-16 21:08:25

I think it's fairly clear that she has committed an offence and behaved terribly, however if your wife (her daughter) doesn't want to involve the police, what are you going to do about that?

Surely it will cause a tremendous rift between you if you act against her wishes.

I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm saying it's a bit of a fucking mess sad

I'm so sorry you are in the middle of all this.
Is there any way a solicitor could be asked to speak to her and warn her about the possible consequences if she doesn't repay it all immediately?

pudcat Tue 09-Feb-16 21:09:22

Gran was due her final benefit payment on the 9th November My mum died the day before her pension was paid and we had to return that payment

PippaHotamus Tue 09-Feb-16 21:10:56

What worries me among other things is that a) she will think she hasgot away ith it if no consequences and b) you could be found or suspected to be complicit if it all comes out.

You know about it so it's probably your legal duty to report it or you all risk being taken down with her, iyswim

I may be completely wrong on that

You really need proper good legal advice about this - it's dangerous territory to be so close by to someone having done this. No one knows it was her and they might think you knew about it and kept quiet because you were in on it.


FrancisdeSales Tue 09-Feb-16 21:12:14

I think you do need to contact the police as obviously MIL has major issues with lack of boundaries and it coukd be even worse than you know.

I feel sorry for DW but it is not her fault or responsibility that her mother is behaving this way. I think you would be doing her a favour because MIL will finally get consequences for her behaviour, I doubt this is the first time she has crossed the line. Obviously what she is doing is a crime.

As others have mentioned it also prevents you from being unwitting accessories to her crimes. Basically if you aware this is a crime you are obliged to report it.

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