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to be upset at my parents lack of interest

(42 Posts)
RhobarbRhobarb Tue 09-Feb-16 13:20:12

I think I probably am and need a talking to. One of my teenagers is involved with an amateur dramatic society. She puts a lots of time into rehearsals and they will put on their annual production next month in the local theatre. I have asked my parents if they will come. (They didn't come to last years) they replied immediately that they had other plans (it runs for 3 nights and they have plans for one). I even offered to get them tickets and bring them there and back. I said "That's fine I understand" but really I feel like crying. I think I might be a bit PMTish though so hence posting here. My DD will not say anything either but really everyone else will have grandparents and aunts and uncles there and my DD will have me only. I believe my parents think we put too much emphasis on her drama interest and disapprove and as they are quite controlling this is their way of expressing their disapproval - they never ask about what she's doing either even though they do love her very much. They also do go to the theatre regularly so it is not from a complete lack of interest (though I do understand that am-dram can be hard going). Do I need to grow up and get over this?

CrystalMcPistol Tue 09-Feb-16 13:27:39

YANBU to be upset.

But if their refusing to attend is meant to signal disapproval of their grandaughter's participation in am dram well then you need to put them out of your mind. Don't let their metaphorical pursed lips overshadow it for you or your daughter.

Sandbrook Tue 09-Feb-16 13:30:28

That's a very cruel way to show love. Would you have it out with them? Tell them how upset you are?

AdrenalineFudge Tue 09-Feb-16 13:33:36

Yanbu to feel put out but then again I really can't stand amateur drama in any way shape or form. I also wouldn't read it so much as a snub or a disapproval than just a general disinterest. If your daughter's relationship with them is otherwise fine then I wouldn't get worked up about it.

Arfarfanarf Tue 09-Feb-16 13:38:48

They don't love her enough to be proud of her and support her in what makes her happy though, do they?

It's really ok to bring that to their attention. When you love someone, I mean actually love them, then you support them in things like this that are important to them. If your love is conditional and reserved only for those things you approve of and deem worthy then frankly, you're a bit of a dick.

mouldycheesefan Tue 09-Feb-16 13:40:29

You aren't Being very assertive here. 'That's fine I understand' tells them it's fine for them not to come when actually that's not how you feel. 'I understand you have Plans for one of the nights, which of the other two nights would you like to come? Dd would love you to be there, she has worked hard in this production and feels proud of her work. She wants to show you'.
I am assuming they live locally

squidgyapple Tue 09-Feb-16 13:42:32

Given that they enjoy going to the theatre then YANBU.

Have you got in-laws or other relatives you could ask instead? not to rub their noses in it or anything, oh no

Sandbrook Tue 09-Feb-16 13:44:26

arfarfanarf perfectly put

RhobarbRhobarb Tue 09-Feb-16 13:49:33

No relatives to rustle up I'm afraid.
I say oh it's fine because I really want them to come because they want to support and be proud of DD. I'm in my 40's blush so I've had 4 decades of this sort of thing. They really want her to be interested in their sporting interest so invest hugely in her taking part in that but truthfully she doesn't enjoy it and wants to skip it this year which will probably mean a stoney silence for a few months. sigh

RhobarbRhobarb Tue 09-Feb-16 13:51:01

Arf my mother who is lovely in so many ways has always been conditional in her showing of love and support. Oh God I'm all emotional and definitely PMT <slinks off in a cloud of self pity>

squidgyapple Tue 09-Feb-16 13:53:15

oh dear that is awful - they don't sound lovely

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 09-Feb-16 14:00:02

They sound mean spirited.

That said, my own DM never came to any of my productions. I would literally be the only person there who didn't have anyone in the audience, all the way up through drama college. At least you'll be there, flying the flag flowers

TheVeryThing Tue 09-Feb-16 14:01:39

'stoney silence for a few months'. Are you serious?
If so, they sound bloody awful.
I would probably take a perverse pleasure in telling them she was dropping their precious hobby, as they have so little regard fro her interests.

whatevva Tue 09-Feb-16 14:01:58

"That's fine I understand" means "Yes I know you can't be arsed to support your GD and making your point is more important than showing any love"

I have nice friend. We do "interested adopted aunty" for each other grin

What2 Tue 09-Feb-16 14:03:07

Sorry but I think YABU

I can understand them not wanting to go but it would be nice if they were supportive in other ways. I go to the theatre a lot but wouldn't dream of going to see am-dram. I've tried seeing a local production and it was rubbish.
Does the rest of the family including her siblings go? Perhaps your parents think there is already enough support.

alltouchedout Tue 09-Feb-16 14:04:03

They don't sound very nice.

Do you have friends who have known dd for a long time and would come along to her show?

whatevva Tue 09-Feb-16 14:04:15

"stoney silence for a few months" - best to let them get on with it hmm

TooMuchOfEverything Tue 09-Feb-16 14:05:23

I say oh it's fine because I really want them to come because they want to support and be proud of DD

I totally get this ^

BUT your DD doesn't need to know their motivation. If you go back to them and say 'DD was really disappointed you aren't coming, all her friends in the company have lots of supporters and I think she feels a bit unsupported. I was wondering if you could have a rethink, I'm happy to pick you up and take you home on x or y night. She has worked so hard it would be great for her proud grandparents to see.'

ALSO - could her sibling(s) rustle up a few friends to come and be in the audience for her?

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 09-Feb-16 14:09:23

My parents are just the same op, you have my sympathy. They have no relationship with their granddaughters, their attempts to control things when the girls were little caused terrible upset and they can go for years without speaking to us.

I don't have an answer, I'm still muddling through it myself. But yanbu.

Bumpsadaisie Tue 09-Feb-16 14:15:05

They sound horrible (sorry, OP, I know they're your parents!). What grandparent only goes to things that THEY are interested in?! Or gets in a strop if a grandchild gives us something they are interested in?

Granted my parents live nearby but they have been to practically every assembly, concert, nativity and god knows what else my kids have done. Whatever activity my DCs have shown an interest in, they have supported in terms of doing pick ups from time time and helping us financially (e.g. with kit/instruments).

I also know they had strong feelings that my eldest should start learning an instrument but they kept this very much to themselves until I and she felt she was ready.

anjpink Tue 09-Feb-16 14:15:09

No I think its disgusting they wont go, if my grandaughter is doing anything at school , gymnastics , rainbows , i am there watching her cheering her on no matter what, ive taken days off work to see her do her things and same as my grandson i wouldnt miss their things for the world... Dont ask again my ML never bothered with my kids My DS hasnt seen her for 6 years and my DD hasnt for 7 months she lives 15 mins away... You reap what you sow
You are not being unreasonable at all, however you will be there and thats all that counts .. i hope she becomes the next Kate Winslet best of luck to her

cosytoaster Tue 09-Feb-16 14:24:58

They are being mean. My mum died before my kids started school, not one of their remaining three grandparents have ever been to anything they've been in (they don't do amdram but both had good/lead parts in primary school etc.), most other kids had grandparents/assorted relatives turn up for everything. Hope it goes well for your DD.

Witchend Tue 09-Feb-16 14:37:59

On the fence here.

My dc do a lot of performing. Pil come over sometimes (2 hours away). My dp have come to see them a couple of times. They're 6 hours away.
The thing is though, if they come during a production then they see very little of any of us because we're dashing around.
Plus they're always in loads. I think between the dc last year we had 12 different productions. Dp saw 2. One because they happened to be visiting at that time, and the other because it was touring and near them. That's unusual, I think the previous time they'd seen them was 3 years ago, and that was pretty much the first time they'd come since dd1 had first performed 9 years previously.

Now dsis lives near them and if her dc are sneezing backstage they'll go. But firstly, it's about twice a year. 2. 30 minutes away and 3. I know if we were that close they would do the same. It's not a lack of interest.

trumpfamily Tue 09-Feb-16 14:56:08

I too have Grandmothers who show no interest in my children's lives. The only time one Grandmother has shown an interest is when my Son passed his 11+, which is very telling. To the outside World she gives the impression that she is a doting Grandmother but in reality she just rolls them out at social gatherings for bowls. When my Husband had a heart bypass operation in his early 40s neither Grandmothers helped support the family emotionally or physically. I have had to accept that they will never be the Grandmothers that my children deserve, they know that their Grandmothers aren't normal as friends' Grandmothers are hands on. I remember participating in school assemblies and my parents not even turning up, that just sums up my Mother's selfishness. I've had to draw a line under the situation and just enjoy my own children and feel sorry for the Grandmothers missing out on these wonderful children. You reap what you sow and when the children grow into adults, which mine nearly have, they won't get the benefit of years of shared events spent with the Grandchildren. When my Daughter passed her driving test my Mother's first thought was, she can take me food shopping! I have plenty of older friends not blessed with children who gladly embrace the role of "Special Aunt or Uncle" who gladly give up their time to attend performances or send best wishes when the children have done well or give them support when they haven't succeeded. I would continue to invite them to performances just so that you take the high morale ground but just don't let their behaviour spoil your joy in our Daughter's performance. Good luck to your Daughter.

RhobarbRhobarb Tue 09-Feb-16 15:11:08

Thank you for you support everyone. I suppose one never stops yearning for the fairytale parents. Well, apart from Cinderella's. And Snow White's. And maybe Hansel and Gretel's but you know what I mean. DD's friends will all go, and my friends.

I personally wouldn't be into am-dram except for supporting DD but it's once a year and none of their other grandchildren have any passionate interests like this so it's the one occasion once a year. I really do believe that it is because of disapproval - reluctant as I am to do so - my mother didn't speak to me for months once when I left a job I hated because she thought it was a good job and sounded good to tell her friends about DM is a little stuck in that old fashioned way of thinking that your job and wealth define you and being an actor (DD's current goal) is not a career that would necessarily lead to either of those.

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