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to think that this is slightly odd and that a 13yr old should be able to be on their own for half an hour?

(45 Posts)
ciabattav0nbreadstickz Mon 08-Feb-16 15:34:45

At uni last week and some members of the class were discussing with the tutor the possibility of changing one of the lesson times to suit the tutor a bit better.

It was mentioned that one person in the class would struggle with the later finish time as she had childcare issues. She has 2 kids, the youngest being a 4 yr old DD who attends the onsite nursery so I assumed it was this one who they were referring to.

Actually, it turns out that the problem is her DS who finishes school 15 minutes early on that day. Fair enough. Except he's 13! Apparently she does not like the idea of him being at home by himself until she gets home and apparently he 'can't sit quietly for half an hour' at the uni while she finishes the lesson. Aibu to think this is a bit odd? Are 13yr olds really incapable of being left on their own at home for half an hour? Do to the fact that she lives around the corner from the uni and the times that her/his lessons finish it really would just be half an hour at the most that she wouldn't be there.

Her ds has no SEN or anything that would mean he needs to be constantly supervised and when she speaks about him he sounds as if he's pretty sensible. Aibu to think she is being over the top about not letting a 13yr old be on his own for short periods?

CrystalMcPistol Mon 08-Feb-16 15:37:22

Yes, very odd. Poor kid would probably love a half hour to himself.

Seeline Mon 08-Feb-16 15:37:29

The only person that can decide whether a 13yo is capable of being left alone is the parent.
She may not have provided you with his full medical history.
He may not like being left alone.
He may not like coming home to an empty house.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Mon 08-Feb-16 15:38:02

Providing he has no SEN ir disability that requires constant supervision, it's ridiculous! I used to walk home at 3.30 and be on my own til 5 ish when ny mum got home with no problems whatsoever

helenahandbag Mon 08-Feb-16 15:39:36

I suppose it depends on the teenager. When I was 15, my parents left me alone for three nights while they visited my auntie 200mi away because I was sensible and trustworthy.

When my brother was 17, he set fire to the cooker while trying to grill some sausages because he's a dick grin

honkinghaddock Mon 08-Feb-16 15:40:18

How do you know he has no sn?

kickassangel Mon 08-Feb-16 15:40:39

Well, I teach that age group and most of them are pretty Ok, BUT there are some who would spend that time raiding the fridge, creating a mess, having friends over to create a mess, going over to friends without telling their parents, going online on stuff the parents wouldn't want, maybe spending money on games etc.

However, generally I would say a child that age should be OK for several hours.

It's the mother's call though, not yours (or any of us).

pinkhorse Mon 08-Feb-16 15:41:05

Very strange. My DSD is 13 and regularly stays home alone for a few hours at a time.
When i was 13, my mum worked so i looked after my younger sisters after school for a few hours. We were always out playing down the street all day on a weekend as well, no adults present.
Maybe the 13 year old in this case has anxiety that you don't know about though.

momb Mon 08-Feb-16 15:41:19

On the face of it I would agree that a 13 year old should be able to come home alone for 15 mins but....there are so many scenarios in which it would be a problem that we can't even guess them....

Her sensible DS may be followed home by bullies every night and no longer wants to come home to an empty house.
Her not-so sensible DS may allow his dodgy friends into the house if she isn't there.

My point is you can't presume. It may not be an issue of child capability so much as parental preference for any number of good reasons.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 08-Feb-16 15:43:13

seems a bit OTT - I leave my 11 and 13 year olds alone for short periods - however both do go to a child minder after school - mainly because I don't want them alone in the house for 3 hours a night - I'd rather they had a nice meal inside them and some company

I was a latch key kid from age 12 - my sister (older) was vile to me when we where alone and I hated being left to get on with it so that probably influences my decision

WickedWax Mon 08-Feb-16 15:44:21

It's the mum's call to make.

Who knows, maybe it's an excuse and actually she's quite happy with the time of the class and doesn't want to change just because it happens to suit the tutor a bit better.

LineyReborn Mon 08-Feb-16 15:45:24

But you can't possibly know whether the 13 year old boy has any SN, additional needs or there's anything else relevant going on or not.

And presumably there must be something. It's just that maybe the mum wants to keep it, you know, private from you.

sunnydayinmay Mon 08-Feb-16 15:48:45

You cannot possibly know whether she is BU or not. It depends completely on the child, and parent.

My DS would hate to let himself into the house alone. He is perfectly capable, and can be left alone, but would be anxious.

NickiFury Mon 08-Feb-16 15:49:51

Maybe the later finish time would have a knock on affect for the rest of her day and it will be headache rearranging stuff to accommodate it including her 13 year old being left alone etc. Maybe her day works well right now and she just wants to keep
It that way.

My 13 yo can't be left for more than a few minutes; he has ASD. You'd never know it to look at him though. Also some kids may have traits of a spectrum condition, not enough to cause huge issues but enough for their parent to know instinctively that half an hour on their own would not be a good idea.

Does it affect you massively of the timings aren't moved?

yorkshapudding Mon 08-Feb-16 15:53:23

"Her ds has no SEN or anything that would mean he needs to be constantly supervised"

You can't possibly know this for an absolute fact unless you've asked her directly, which would be very rude.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Mon 08-Feb-16 15:54:41

Of course, it is entirely her decision and one that she is entitled to make as his mother.

I just think its a little odd, she doesn't pick him up from school so he can be trusted make his own way home but not to be at home by himself. Not even to sit quietly at uni until she finishes the lesson.

Changing the time of the lesson actually would be more convinient for the whole class, including the tutor, she is the only exception.

Obviously I don't know all of the ins and outs of her ds but I know 100% he does not have SEN, not least because of her scathing attitude to people with SEN. There is a 18yr old boy also in our class who has aspergers and she treats him disgustingly, to the point of bullying him.

zzzzz Mon 08-Feb-16 15:57:23

Maybe there are reasons she hasn't shared with you, why he is not confident to be left or she is not confident to leave him?

Perhaps he needs an adult to help him pee/eat/keep safe?
Perhaps they had a violent break in and he's traumatised?
Perhaps they have a creepy neighbour?
Perhaps her x will use it as yet another wedge in the custody battle?
Perhaps he is prone to good ideas and might burn the house down trying to make tea?
Perhaps he eats everything in sight when she's not home and she can't afford it?
On the other hand maybe they are "odd" or just not you OP ?

BackforGood Mon 08-Feb-16 16:01:47

No. YANBU. Of course a Nt 13 yr old can be on their own for 30mins.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 08-Feb-16 16:03:50

I know 13 yo's who if left to their own devices will burn houses down or be trying to turn their houses into crack dens.

She knows her kid better than you do.

Hihohoho1 Mon 08-Feb-16 16:03:53

Can't obviously comment on this particular 13 year old as neither you I or anyone here knows the full circumstances.

My dss would have been fine left at 13 and were often left to babysit baby sisters at that age if they were asleep in bed. Both were beyond sensible.

Dd can't be left alone in the house at 16 due to a horrific trauma. You wouldn't know that op if I was at uni with you as it's not your business Iycwim

If this woman is really bullying a lad with Aspergers I think you should inform the tutor of this as that's serious and not worry about her child care issues.

hiddenhome2 Mon 08-Feb-16 16:07:55

Bullying someone who has Aspergers?

Are you going to report this?

Bunbaker Mon 08-Feb-16 16:08:28

At 13 it wouldn't have bothered me to come home to an empty house. My auntie lived next door and was a bit of a safety net I suppose.

At 13 DD was being bullied at school and didn't want to come home to an empty house after having had a miserable day at school.

Not all 13 year olds are the same.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Mon 08-Feb-16 16:09:02

I already have done Hiho, her and 2 other women. It's gotten slightly better recently but you should hear the comments they make about him behind his back, some of them threatening him with violence (however 'jokingly'). Grown women with kids, in their 30's.

yorkshapudding Mon 08-Feb-16 16:11:13

"Not all 13 year olds are the same."

This whole thread can be summed up nicely with this one statement. Seriously though, OP, if this woman really is bullying a potentially vulnerable young man on your course then it should be reported.

yorkshapudding Mon 08-Feb-16 16:11:38

Oops cross post. Sorry.

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