AIBU not wanting to go?(26 Posts)
I'm no longer sure what I think about this situation anymore and wonder if I've lost all perspective and therefore BU. This may be long as I don't want to drip feed.
I have MS and had walking probs occasionally, but I had an accident 8 1/2 years ago which put me in a wheelchair for a few weeks, and by the time it came to getting out of it I found I was not able to. Anyway, long story short I've never walked since. It was quite an eye opener as to how many friends I lost, but my thinking is that they can't have been that good friends anyway.
Anyway here's the back story. My DH has a group of friends that he's had since he was about 12. When we got together 18+ years ago I slotted into the group and all the wives/gf of the group became friends too. We had been together 10 years before I needed the wheelchair.
Anyway when this happened no one contacted me, ok I didn't contact them, but emotionally I was having a tough time. Every time the group would get together they would do it in a 300 yr old pub (that was their local when they were in their teens), but no one lives there now. Admittedly it's not far away.
Each time I would mention to them that I couldn't get in to the pub in the wheelchair. Every time was the same though. The one time they had a get together somewhere else it was in an old listed building, which I also couldn't get in. Again, when they were checking out beforehand who was coming, I explained why I couldn't, so they knew the situation.
This year one of them got married and we could actually go. They spoke and were friendly, and a couple spent a decent while chatting with me. Everyone went outside after the ceremony and DH had gone off with DD and a couple of his mates and their children to explore. The outside was an uneven slate area. Obviously the wheelchair couldn't manoeuvre on this so I sat just where the doors opened to outside. A couple of people spoke with me for a while, but for about 30 minutes I was sat there on my own. I could see people looking at me and could almost hear them thinking 'oh look at that poor disabled woman on her own', and they'd come over to chat.
I am a friendly, outgoing, quite confident person and like meeting new people so this was all good, but the pity was almost palpable. All of the friends were milling around but no one came over to speak, and I couldn't get to them. Later in the day I had transferred onto a chair (as it's uncomfortable staying in the wheelchair all day), so I obviously couldn't move. The people I'd been talking to at my table were off talking to other people, (and DH and DD were out of the room again), and although there was a big table of DH's friends and partners next to me, no one came over. It wasn't close enough to speak/shout (plus music too loud), and although I made eye contact/smiled/waved (held my hand up to say hi really), I still sat there on my own.
When we got home I told DH everything that had happened and said that I really didn't feel comfortable going to anything with his friends again, and that it wasn't like I hadn't tried, 8+ years is long enough. He said of course.
Now the thing is DH is pretty shy and does not do confrontation at all. I am definitely not shy, but I don't do confrontation and simply can not speak up for myself - it's like a mental block. For anyone else, and especially the underdog, I don't hesitate.
Anyway the issue now. It's a couple of his friends big birthday coming up and one of their wives has organised going for a meal. She messaged me on FB to let me know the details for the evening. I unfriended all of his friends/their wives last year, so she must have noticed.
She mentioned about it being in X place that is fully accessible etc. I told DH I wouldn't be going (helps someone needs to stay home with DD), but that I'd gladly drop him there and he can get a taxi home.
Not only have they cut me out (which to be honest is ok, they weren't my friends initially anyway), but the thing that really pisses me off is the way they've cut DH off. They go for nights out and put the pics on FB and no one has even told him about it. Yes he should say something, but like me he has a real inability/loathing to confront. I know by not saying anything that it's almost condoning it. I've finally had enough and have said no more.
I don't want to spend the night with people who really couldn't give a toss. I know I/we should say something, but I really don't want to deal with the shit. I feel a bit guilty that she has said that it 's all accessible etc, in my head it's a bit bloody late for that after 8 1/2 years.
AIBU to not want to go?
Yanbu. Sounds like friends you don't need. I sometimes need a wheelchair and its like becoming invisible to strangers but I expect friends to understand its only my legs which don't work properly, I'm still me!
I would write back and say thanks but no thanks. You are busy polishing your wheelchair.
But I'm a sarcastic bitch anyway
Don't go, they sound like a bunch of dickheads. Do your own thing, find new, nicer, friends
Wow what a disgusting, pathetic bunch of people. Don't put yourself out for them op. If anything they should have been supportive rather than isolate you. It's obvious that they were not good friends to your Dh either. Imagine that they knew you for 10 years prior and treated you this way. I feel bad that you had to endure the wedding day that way.
To be honest, I'm not over impressed that your husband and daughter abandoned you for long stretches of time at time at a social event when they must have known you couldn't move. Couldn't they have taken it in turns to go off?
Does your H want to go to this event? If he does, perhaps you could agree to accompany him in return for him not abandoning you.
Sometimes the difficult things in life really show you who your true friends are. Your friends are not these awful, selfish people. You should have ditched them long ago. Every time you think that you feel left out when you see things posted on Facwbook remember how mean they have been to you for years. I wish that your OH had got angry and supported you a bit more. I wish he hadn't left you alone so long knowing that these people were uncaring.
Anyway, my advice would be move on. Block/ignore them on Facebook. Create your own good times with real friends. Good times that you know will be much better than any times shared with that miserable bunch.
well if someone needs to stay at home with the dd Hedda perhaps she's too young to go off exploring on her own
op they sound awful I'd stay away from them too
These people are not worth it, obviously not true real friends.
But what bothered me the most is why your husband abandoned you at the wedding. Firstly after the ceremony and then the meal.
Thanks for the feedback all. DD is 8 so not really old enough to go off on her own.
I feel like I am not being as unreasonable as I feared. Thank you again!
I think I'd just reply and say no thanks.
I wouldn't bother going either OP. I think their attitudes aren't at all what you'd consider from people you've known for years.
When you first became unable to walk and you say these friends didn't contact you and you didn't contact them either. I'm in no way sticking up for them but could it be due to that they didn't know how to speak to you? I know as well as you do that you're still the same person. However this can have an effect on others in a different way (upset but no idea on how to deal with it or discuss it for fear of upsetting you too) and they may had thought you wanted time on your own which then turned into a few years and now it's awkward?
The fact that they've been going to pubs which are not accessible for you though is not on and Id find that hurtful.
Do you and DH share any hobbies that you can look at going to in your local community to try and widen your friendship circle? I do think too much water has passed under the bridge to try and revive your previous friendships as I think you'd always feel a bit resentful towards them for their previous behaviour (and rightly so).
Sorry to hear you have MS. I have had experience of knowing someone with the disease and it's really not very pleasant so you have my deepest sympathies OP. I would urge you to take up hobbies or something that makes you feel good about yourself because I'm sure their reaction to you has shaken your self confidence a bit.
I don't know why you went to the wedding tbh after there had been 8yrs of meet ups that you couldn't attend, or why your husband keep going to the meetups.
Having gone to the wedding, your husband went off & left you, so I'm not sure why you think that others should have made sure to be with you all the time.
However, you didn't feel comfortable so I think it's perfectly fine to not go to another thing with the same people if you don't want to risk the same thing again.
it seems to me that you cut yourself off from them- you didn't contact them and you deleted them all from facebook.
When you were sat alone at the wedding, people came up and talked to you, what else are you expecting them to do?
once a year they have a meet up that has turned in to a tradition that unfortunately you can no longer attend, what about the other 364 days of the year? Something could have been organised somewhere more accessible for you.
for the birthday, its up to you if you want to go, but try not to cut off your nose to spite your face, you may enjoy it. And let DH go or not go- let him decide
OP, when you said that you couldn't go due to the venue, why do you think that they didn't change it?
Did they realise that you would have liked to have gone?
I think you are being a tiny bit U. Your DH's friends didn't get that the change in mobility was permanent or what it actually meant so thoughtlessly arranged non-accessible venues. Now they are more aware and trying to be thoughtful but your still not happy. As an adult you don't need to be accompanied every minute of a function or event, you and DH have to be ultra careful to ensure your mobility issues don't negatively impact your DD.
I say this as the child of a paraplegic parent, our lives were different because they mobilised differently to my friends' parents, not worse just different. Yes they did spend time sitting on the 'side lines' whilst we, their friends or other parents did stuff and yes it must have sometimes been hurtful but they encouraged us to join in.
I watched them do it a second time with their grandchildren. They are a much loved and valued grandparent.
One of my son's mates has acquired a complete spinal injury and is a full time wheelchair user. As group none of them want to slow down and sometimes they make mistakes but as a gang of mates they are rock solid but it takes time and tolerance.
Give these people another chance and go, as a family, to this event.
I am not sure why you are keen to continue to encourage your dh's friendship with a group of people who are actively unpleasant to both you and him. They sound like a bunch of tossers who treat him like shit. Perhaps he should drop them?
I can understand them still wanting to keep their tradition of going to the same pub, it was their local when they were young and they obviously feel sentimental/nostalgic about it. But they could also have organised an additional meet up somehwhere more accessible or alternated the pub with another venue so that you wouldn't have to miss out every time. I would expect your DH to suggest this though to be honest.
The fact that the woman organising this birthday thing made a point of telling you the venue is wheelchair accessible may indicate an awareness of them having not been as accommodating as they could be in the past. Do you think maybe she's trying to build bridges? As you say, she must realise you've unfriended them all on FB but still messaged you. It sounds like an attempt to make amends but that doesn't mean you're obliged to go along with it. If you have no interest in salvaging the friendship then that's completely your choice and I don't think you should force yourself to attend a gathering where you'll feel uncomfortable.
araiba I did call them occasionally for a chat, also none of their houses are accessible (and my car wasn't adapted for 3 years), so I didn't drive. We live partly rural.
I only deleted them from FB last summer after over 7 years.
It's not a meet up once a year, it's verity they go out. So maybe once a month.
I tried organising something but people wouldn't commit to a date.
didl I said in advance when they were organising things how much i'd love to come, but the location meant I couldn't.
A couple of his friends talked to me and I obviously chatted back (i'm not an arrest person so there was no atmosphere or awkwardness)
penfold DH and I have consciously tried to not let my mobility issues affect DD, especially me. She goes to everything she wants to and does everything activity wise with DH. The most important thing in my life (our lives) is that my disability does not affect her negatively.
The birthday meal is an evening in a pub, so no kids will be there (including DD).
Thank you again for your responses. I've messaged back that DH will be there but not me, and that I hope X has a great night
verity? wtf.....*every time. Bloody autocorrect!
spotted another..........arrest is meant to be arsey
"I said in advance when they were organising things how much i'd love to come, but the location meant I couldn't."
That's pretty shitty then.
Of course now you'll be the bad guy for not going even though it's accessible to you
yeah I guess I can't win. Oh well tbh I don't know if I can bring myself to let it bother me (normally I let anything like this get to me)
I guess it's too little too late for you. Under the circumstances I don't blame you.
It's difficult, isn't it as they seem to have also stopped including Op's husband.
Perhaps he's said no a few times?
Well, let's hope that he enjoys his night out & it's accepted that Op needs to stay at home with their daughter!
Join the discussion
Please login first.