Is my grandmother being unreasonable or am I just hormonal?(12 Posts)
Hi, this is my first time posting on here so sorry if its a bit long and I start rambling! Basically I seem to be having massive issues with my gran who has decided she never wants to speak to me again. My nan has given me a lot of help financially over the years and while this has been helpful, it does seem to give her a bigger sense of entitlement in both my life and my 9 day old sons. She can be a vindictive woman when she doesn't get her own way and because of this the family has learned to never challenge her on anything because its not worth one of her grudges which can last months on end. My main issue is that she has a pretty severe health problem with her joints and bones which leaves her unable to hold things or stand up very well. She brakes and drops things on a regular basis but refuses to accept that she's not as healthy as she once was. She came over two days after my stay in hospital to visit the baby. My cousin was happily holding him and hadn't been holding him very long before she walked over and attempted to take him out of cousins arms. My fiance was quick and went over and politely said that it was ok and he would bring the baby to her. She clearly didn't like this and accused fiance of not trusting her to hold the baby. However, he let it slide and took the baby over to her. Later on my fiance left the room and immediately she got up with the baby and started rocking him. She looked so shaky, I was terrified! Her husband sternly told her to sit back down but she continued to stand saying she had her injections for her bones and was fine. I was a nervous wreck! My fiance was very nervous of the baby in the first day or so after our return from the hospital and she was very aware of this. My fiance stroked the top of the baby's head gently for het to snap, "you shouldn't touch the top of his head!" She was clearly trying to get at him for not letting her carry him before. Annoyingly, she has been unreasonable with phone calls and visits since. My mother told her not to phone us as the baby was not sleeping during the night and fiance had paternity which we were trying to enjoy. She phoned every day. When I hadn't answered after a couple of days she phoned my mum laying on the guilt saying she "only wanted to talk". After this didn't work she sent me a passive aggressive text beginning with "since you wont answer any of my calls maybe you will answer a text." She has asked my mum if she can visit every day knowing full well that we are absolutely exhausted and seems to be constantly paranoid my mum is going to come visit without her! I could deal with the little annoyances but the reason I'm putting her of is I cant stand the thought of her shakily holding him while standing up which has led to us falling out. I guess I'm asking whether I'm being reasonable in asking her to only hold him while sitting down or am I being over protective..?
No, you are not being over protective you are being very sensible.
Be kind and firm, and she will just have to accept you know best now.
YANBU. She sounds like a right pain in the ass. Just because she has helped you out financially, doesn't mean she is entitled to control your life. Set your boundaries now - ignore her phone calls, do not allow daily visits and there is no way I'd be allowing her to hold your baby while standing up when clearly she is not able to. I would be informing her of this and if she doesn't like it, well tough shit, no holding then.
How stupid to hold a baby whilst unstable. I think you should stand firm. Financial help does not buy her the right to take stupid risks with a newborn. My niece is 6 months old and I still make my 10 year old sit on a sofa and hold the baby carefully.
I even prefer to sit down holding babies now as it is so long since mine were babies!
Yanbu, I reckon you just have to stand firm and extend your invitations/communications cheerfully for when it suits you and ignore her. Basically practice for when you've a stroppy toddler/teen.
She doesn't have to like your rules but she does have to respect them.
My Gran is a horrible, controlling and vindictive old cow too. I deal with her by filtering her. Answer one call in five. Answer one text in ten etc. If I dealt with her as much as she wants- she's very demanding- I would go mad.
Tabby at all. As cornetto says she has to respect your rules.
I don't think I'd stand up with someone else's newborn in my arms, and I'm neither elderly nor shaky. Set boundaries and stick to them!
I agree that boundaries definitely need to be set! She should not be allowed to endanger the baby, and I speak as someone with a very weak right wrist and hand and a weak ankle from bad breaks. I know my own body and would never hold a baby in certain positions, nor will I carry a baby up or down steps.
But, since it appears that her 'financial help' comes at a cost, I certainly would NOT accept help from her in the future and would work really hard to repay every penny if you haven't already.
Her husband told her not to hold the baby. Try speaking to him about her behaviour. Or just continue to ignore until you are a bit more settled. 9 days is very very soon after the birth.
Carry on as you are OP.
Arms length approach. It's quite simple in principal. Ignore passive aggressive digs in texts etc. Just cheerfully invite her for another visit when you feel happy to do so, and stand firm about only holding the baby sitting down. Better to take baby to see her perhaps, then you can control visit lengths. Deal with any out and out tantrums with calmness and dignity, and know that you wont change her. Your baby is your responsibility and you are a capable adult who can cope with an old lady
I agree about not accepting any more financial help from her if at all poss. I know how it feels to have that used over you, my mother did it when i was in my 20s and it taught me
a lot about her not to accept any more.
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