to ask if you are suffering from depression, how it affects your life?

[rodriguez66]

I know some people are sort of high functioning depressives, able to hold down a job, appear happy, have a functioning social life etc whilst others are physically incapable of even getting out of bed in the morning. I have been the latter lately. How does it affect you? What are your internal thoughts when you are depressed?

[CrazyDuchess]

I have been both. Currently I am able to work full time and working on getting out more.

December last year, I couldn't sleep and was sleeping too much, binge eating, drinking too much, couldn't get out of bed and my personal hygiene was non existant. In my head I just didn't want to be here at all was a very dark time.

So back to GP, upped my anti Ds, went back to my therapy and recalled my lessons and taking it a day at a time xxx

[Stanky]

I dread every day, and I don't have any energy. I feel sorry for my dc, that they have a mother who really can not cope. The thought of endless day after day after day is more frightening than death.

I work part time, and tbh I usually have better days when I'm at work, which makes me feel horrible and guilty.

I don't think that this cold, grey, dark windy weather is helping me at the moment. I'm hoping that I will feel a bit better in the spring time.

for everyone suffering with this illness. I hope that you all feel better soon.

[TheHatOfDoom]

The hardest part of being "high functioning" with depression (I tend to swing between the two although I've never been completely unable to function) is the lack of support in the bad times and the idea during the good times that you should pull yourself together and properly recover.
Last year I was on a downward spiral and it took ages for 1) anyone else to realise and 2) me to accept they were right. At the same time a friend lost a family member to suicide and not realising my level of struggle shared in great detail exactly how the suicide had been done, why, how he'd been found, offered to show me the suicide note (I didn't know this person). I couldn't shut them up and it really scared me how that made me feel so I went to the doctors.

[rodriguez66]

I know this sounds bad but I am kind of relieved that other women/mothers feel the same as me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only mum experiencing this and feeling so inadequate compared to all the high flying, super happy, rich, successful mums at the school gate (on days that I do get up).

[fiorentina]

I have had periods of depression and anxiety whilst holding down a senior management job in the city. I was exhausted, ate way too much crap, didn't really take care of myself but hid it from colleagues and friends who thought I was holding it together. I did an online CBT course as the thought of taking time out for meetings made me more stressed due to commuting times etc. I know I'd be perceived by some as the successful mum career wise but don't be deceived, many people have struggles.

[I8toys]

I have had some form of mental health from a young child. OCD through teenage years and university. Anxiety as a young adult through to being a mother and early 40's. I do not let it control my life. I control it. I have learnt through the ups and downs that I need to maintain a low level of medication to keep me on an even keel. I used to have bad lows, take medication and then stop. It would then repeat and the cycle would go on. I now take a low level dose of medication to keep me on a level. I have no explanation for this depression/anxiety - just a family history of mental illness.

[I8toys]

Forgot to add that I have worked throughout my illness and have never taken a sick day. I cannot let it control how I live my life.

[NoonAim]

You sound similar to me I8toys, I've had to accept that depression, anxiety and OCD are part of my personality.
I take medication for the anxiety but now realise I will soon have to have the depression treated too. My lovely gp has offered me ADs and I'm sure he has a prescription waiting for me each time I see him!
I actually function very well on the surface but inside I'm dying sometimes

[I8toys]

NoonAim yes it does sound the same. I have come to the conclusion its just me. My last doctor gave me an interesting perspective on it in that its just a chemical imbalance that I have as I have no other reason for it. I wish that was the case. I have no idea what to believe but its just something I have to cope with. And will continue to do so until I die.

[I8toys]

I just wonder how the menopause is going to affect me as around my period my mood swings are ridiculous and sometimes I feel out of control.

[Sunflower1985]

I've wondered what the difference is between people who still function and those who don't - for example I have a colleague who took a few months off with stress and anxiety. Had therapy and ADs for a year and is now (mostly) fine. I've had severe anxiety and depression at many points in my life but never taken time off work for it.
What's the difference, I wonder, as I certainly wouldn't say I'm stronger than he was.

[I8toys]

I have no idea what the difference is but for me if I admit defeat to it - then it has control over me. I need to have some semblance of control over an uncontrollable situation. As ridiculous as that seems. Mental illness still has a huge stigma for me. I have seen how it has affected my family - with bipolar and schizophrenia. The times family members have been committed kicking and screaming - I cannot think about it.

[bertsdinner]

I get moderate depression that comes and goes, and anxiety.
For me, it sucks the pleasure out of everything. This year, some quite nice things have happened, but it means nothing. Its like I have no feelings apart from negativity and I cant be bothered with anything or anybody; I have no interest in anything.
I get up every day and go to work but I'm just on autopilot. I'm coming out of my depressive "phase" right now and feel more positive, almost happy st times. I know the depression will be back though.
I dont take medication and I've never been off work with it, its just part of my life that Ive learned to live with. My gran suffered depression (I've got a pet theory it can run in families), and at times was institionalised/heavily medicated.
I know things have changed since the 70s, but I would rather live with it and avoid anti depressants.

[0phelia]

In my experience, I'd estimate 10 years of depression, I was able to go out, go to work, look alright, make conversation but nothing more.

I had no connection in a mental or emotional way to anybody. My world closed in and became smaller and smaller.

The way my depression presented itself was through an eating disorder. (bulimia). I would occupy myself on average 3-4 times a day by eating huge amounts of calorific foods, then self induce vomiting.

At the height of depression I would do this 5-6 times a day.

During better times I could eat normally, or maybe just indulge once a day.

I considered my bulimia to be a form of self harm, not related to body-image or weightloss like it is for some.

Anyway. Depression can present itself in many different ways. I shut myself off from everyone and have a very reduced social life as a consequence.

I am now mid 30's and have a loving partner and a beautiful angel in our child. I am the happiest now than I have been in decades. I know I'm not the same as other normal people, but I never lost hope.

Once hope is lost that is when ppl kill themselves.

[DaffodilsAreMyFav]

I am the type that appears to be functioning but am often a very short walk from despair. It's lonely.

[0phelia]

I have fucked up teeth now!

bertdinner used the phrase "autopilot" I think this is a feeling lots of functional depressives share. Like you do whatever you need, but there's no joy. There's something missing.

[Fastcargirl]

I get both. The depression shows itself as increasingly negative thoughts about myself, powerlessness and feeling overwhelmed. The anxiety develops as worry, feeling I can't cope and stress. I work in a responsible job but I don't go for promotion or stray from my comfort zones purely because I think the anxiety would start getting very bad. So I stay in my own field in a job I can do. I have the reputation of being an over achiever and not stretching myself. No one at work knows I had a significant breakdown a couple of years ago lasting a few months when I literally couldn't think straight, had intensive cbt and medication. As for my family life, I manage it day to day and keep a close eye on how I'm feeling and my stress and depression

[bingisthebest]

Bertsdinner. You could be me. I've had episodes of anxiety since my late teens. Since having children I've had moderate depression (I think) and episodes of terrible anxiety. I've never been to a Dr and only my husband knows. I've never taken time off work. I just accept it and try to fight it really day to day. I'm not saying this thinking I'm great or anything it's just what I do.

[jellyjiggles]

Most days I cope but it can be hard work. I find I have bad days where i want to detach from the world completely but as a mum I'm not able to do that. Getting up and on with it is the best possible outcome for me.

Anti depressants help me to function. They keep the anxiety and depression at a level were 80% of the time I can function with a lot of will power. The other 20% is where I use my friends and family to distract me. I ride the dips out and if it's get too uncomfortable for too long I seek help.

[timelytess]

I am a depressive. I am not on medication, though I have sometimes had fairly mild anti-depressants. I have had a great deal of counselling and would benefit from more. I have learned mindfulness and am engaged in learning about practical philosophy.

How it affects my life.

For around twenty years I lived behind a series of invisible walls. I appeared to function, if not perfectly, in the real world, but I was never really right. I had pain. The knot of numb pain inside. I wanted to die. Eventually, I believed I was dead and was only working through the time until my body gave in. During this time I had short spells of happiness and positivity. I also had counselling, and hypnotherapy to remove suicidal urges.

I live alone and my house was chaotic and was and is falling down around me, entirely due to my depression, but things are now starting to improve.

Three years ago the walls of depression were smashed in one shocking (to me) incident, leaving me with no framework for existence. I then endured limerence (which is a living hell as well as one of the most extreme experiences imaginable, and nowhere near as tame as the online descriptions sound) followed by psychosis. I could not go on. I did not attempt suicide due to the previous hypnotherapy. I began to grin - I smile all the time like a fucking loon - which was put in by the hypnotherapist but didn't show until the day after the crisis. My world fell apart. I could not think. I had to give up my job (mercifully, I was just old enough to take early retirement).

I spent six months at home in bed. Then I began to do a little - three minutes, five minutes, then in the last few months maybe fifteen minutes of positive activity (tidying, sorting washing for example) in a day. In the last fortnight, with the practical philosophy course ongoing, I have been able to act 'normally', to get up in the morning, be active all day, make some progress with getting back into my own life. In the past four months I have had several big household issues to deal with - one of them is done, the others not, but I'll get to them eventually.

How does depression affect my life? It binds and gags me. With its partner, anxiety, it undermines me and makes me afraid of living and afraid of dying. But it passes. Sometimes its lighter, sometimes more overwhelming, and now it seems to be moving away. I'm looking forward to living without it.

[PastaLaFeasta]

I've had recurrent depression since childhood, I realised once I admitted it after my second child, I've never not been able to do the minimum to get through each day - school work, uni, work and now caring for the kids. It's actually worse the less I HAVE to do. I'm trying to get back to work, even with other health issues, because it helps with self esteem and purpose. I volunteer in a few roles and this really has helped.

Looking back I had awful times at work but just came in no matter what, until pregnancy I'd never had a day off (pregnancy depression was awful combined with back pain and headaches). I remember crying at my desk and not going for promotion despite being encouraged to. I didn't tell anyone in work but it may have helped if I had. As a SAHM I can really let things go without as much consequence but the kids always have clean clothes, brushed hair and are on time for school etc with the right stuff on the right day for the most part and are fed and put to bed.

My bigger issue is with relationships, I isolate myself when depressed and I don't talk to anyone about it. I was very angry and snappy with DH, and maybe others, but since admitting to depression I recognise this and have stopped but am more withdrawn. I wonder if my DH is a bit depressed as he's very snappy and angry with me at the moment.

[Muddlewitch]

I am the type that appears to be functioning but am often a very short walk from despair. It's lonely.^^
^^
I feel the same Daffodils. The trouble is I smile and get though the days but feel like I am wading through waves, always scared that one will drown me. People that know about my past issues tell me I am strong but that makes it worse - as I feel I can't reply that actually I am struggling.

It is the black dog - sometimes it shuffles behind and sometimes it mauls me or anything in between, but it's always there and I am always hauntingly aware of it's presence.

[NanaNina]

This is a really interesting thread. I don't have time to post but could it be moved to Mental Health?