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AIBU to think it's ok for my DC to cry?

(39 Posts)
QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 10:12:14

If my children are given a row for bad behaviour (by me, DH, a teacher or whoever) they sometimes cry.

AIBU to be absolutely fine with this?

I ask because on two threads recently (and at numerous other times on MN) the OP used the fact that their child cried as evidence of how harsh the telling off was.

If my child is in the wrong, and has been disciplined I wouldn't be overly bothered that they were crying.

In fact I'd take it as a good sign that they understood that they were in the wrong/had upset others with their behaviour.

On one of the recent threads lots of posters said "teachers shouldn't be making kids cry". Why not?

GloriaHotcakes Sat 06-Feb-16 10:14:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theycallmemellojello Sat 06-Feb-16 10:15:27

I've never heard this view, I think most people know it's pretty normal for kids to cry at a telling off

KittyandTeal Sat 06-Feb-16 10:16:01

Yep I agree. My dd1 cries whenever she does something wrong. I think it's because she feels remorseful.

Tbh I sometimes have a bit of a cry when I know I've done the wrong thing and been called out on it.

Doesn't mean calling someone out or telling them off is wrong.

A few tears won't do any harm

acasualobserver Sat 06-Feb-16 10:16:21

I think fine too ... provided it's limited and proportionate. Genuine, prolonged distress obviously not fine.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Feb-16 10:17:17

Some kids are more prone to crying than others.

It's not always the teacher's fault if they give kids a telling off, and some cry and some don't.

cleaty Sat 06-Feb-16 10:17:47

But genuine prolonged distress might be because the child feels guilty and regrets it.

QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 10:18:18

Oh good, it's not just me then, what a relief.

Absolutely casual that is a different thing all together.

QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 10:21:43

cleaty They might be upset for a while but I think that's probably not what casual meant.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 06-Feb-16 10:21:59

Of course, some kids turn on the tears at the drop of a hat. Ds 4 friend also 4, cried because ds 'borrowed' his scooter, it was a full on wail, not just a few crocodile tears.

QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 10:27:18

worral true.

Some children also are good at using tears to manipulate.

A girl in my DD's friendship group called her some really horrible names the other day. My DD told the girl that her behaviour was nasty and inappropriate. Cue the other girl bursting into floods of tears and telling the rest of the girls that DD 'made her cry'.

DD was told to apologise by the rest of the girls. She declined.

GreatFuckability Sat 06-Feb-16 10:31:33

Depends on the kid, my youngest howls at the drop of a hat and can turn the tears on and off at will. Its actually fairly impressive. so when she cries I ignore. my middle one however, rarely ever cries and its usually because he feels a sense of injustice so with him i'd be more inclined to look a bit deeper at what went on.

but generally I agree with you, OP.

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 06-Feb-16 10:32:48

absolutely fine. I can't stand tears being used to manipulate the situation.

cleaty Sat 06-Feb-16 10:33:07

My brother used to cry to manipulate. He genuinely used to seem extremely distressed. Then when my mum went out of the room he would stop and laugh. This was from a very young age.

Narp Sat 06-Feb-16 10:37:07

In the main, I agree, OP

Some children cry because you have pointed out that they've done something hurtful, and they feel ashamed - that's a sign you got through to them

But I have met children who cry as a smokescreen.

I have seen children cry in genuine fear at an overly aggressive approach by an adult

FithColumnist Sat 06-Feb-16 10:44:18

I think it also depends to a degree on the age of the child. I'd be a bit more concerned by a five year old in floods of tears than by a fifteen year old boy turning on the waterworks because he's just had a bollocking.

Then again, kids can start crying for the oddest of reasons. I once had a happy, otherwise well-adjusted twelve year old boy break down in floods of tears because he failed a French vocabulary test. He didn't even get a scolding, I just told him to do better on the next one. I had to send him out of the room to calm himself down and threaten the rest of the class with dire consequences if I ever caught wind of them taking the mickey out of him for it.

onecurrantbun1 Sat 06-Feb-16 10:44:44

Yes great I am a natural crier, I cry if I think about something sad or at adverts - it doesn't mean I don't feel things deeply or that I ever employ "crocodile tears", but it was an inevitable part of a telling-off or even a stern word as a child and not indicative of deep emotional trauma.

My brother however very very rarely cried. One time I remember is when my mum gave him a real harsh telling off including banning him from an event he was excited for. It turned out he hadn't done the thing in question and had been set up by a friend, but was too "loyal" to tell tales.

Like most loving parents my parebts sussed something was amiss by his out of character reaction. But, in answer to the OP, in general it's fairly normal for a kid to cry when they're caught out.

FreshHorizons Sat 06-Feb-16 10:51:13

It is a strange world if children are only allowed to express happy emotions and the whole environment has to be controlled to ensure that they are never upset, angry, bored etc. They learn from experiencing them all- how to manage anger etc.
I can't see what is wrong in crying if you are upset. Some cry more easily than others.
There is no doubt that some can turn it on like a tap to manipulate. It always amuses me when you see small children throwing a wobbly and crying and then stop to have a swift glance to see what effect it is having on the adult!

TooMuchOfEverything Sat 06-Feb-16 10:54:36

I'd have been mortified to cry at school. I lived in fear of being told off by teacher because I knew I would cry.

Crying at home - fine.

QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 10:56:05

fresh that's exactly what worries me, the notion that children should always have a controlled environment that never upsets them.

I worry about how those children will ever learn to negotiate their way through the world.

FreshHorizons Sat 06-Feb-16 11:05:53

Exactly QuietWhenReading. Adult life can be difficult, your boyfriend may dump you, your boss might tell you off, you may not get the job that you want, etc etc etc and you have to cope. Childhood is a preparation and you need to learn resilience, to bounce back from set backs, handle arguments with friends etc. It is detrimental to have a life where mother tries to control it all, to the extent of having a word with the teacher because DD cried when asked to sit still!
I cried at the drop of a hat aged 5 yrs, being very sensitive, and learned to manage a few setbacks without dissolving into tears - that was far more useful and character forming than my mother ensuring that I was never going to be in a situation that would make me cry.

Gattabianca Sat 06-Feb-16 11:09:55

YANBU!! I said exactly this to my parents the other day. It's totally normally for kids to cry. I'd be worried if he didn't cry!
They hate it when my 3yo cries and really pander to it. It's making his behaviour when we go to their house really hard to manage.

Narp Sat 06-Feb-16 11:12:34

I agree about resilience. the pendulum has swung towards some parents feeling dreadful if they allow their children to experience unhappiness.

QuietWhenReading Sat 06-Feb-16 11:13:37

Fresh I completely agree.

Of course we all want our children to be happy and have sunny lives. I just think that my DC are more likely to be happy in their adult lives if they can cope with real life rather than living in a bubble.

Notso Sat 06-Feb-16 11:14:18

In fact I'd take it as a good sign that they understood that they were in the wrong/had upset others with their behaviour.

I agree with you except this. I don't think crying should be used to measure how sorry a child is.
As this thread has shown some children cry easily, others don't. I think there is a danger of being too harsh on a child who is 'tougher' if an adult wants or needs the crying reaction to show the child has been told off enough.

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