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Could you be with someone who would put his partner before his children??

(67 Posts)
altctrldel Fri 05-Feb-16 22:24:33

Ive been with my partner a year now.

We took things very slowly and only met his children 12 weeks ago- DS16 DD13 and DD12.

He had a pretty nasty break up with his ex- who has been harassing him for the past 3 years. Parking up outside his work watching him, calling him at all hours etc. He has never wanted to go to the police before because of his children. He has them one weekend a month and one night in the week. Its difficult as his ex lives a good 90 minute drive away (he moved towns when they split)

His children, while they havent really taken a shine to me, have been pleasant enough. But his ex has now started on me.

Usually the 3 of them are brought down by DPs parents (who still live in the town as his ex). 3 weeks ago, as DPs parents were away, they had to come down by train and I had to meet them off the train as DP had to work late- so DP gave his DS my number in case they had any problems, train was late etc.

Anyway- all arrived no problems. And then the texts started- horrible, abusive texts. I showed DP the texts who confirmed it was his exs number. Called her and tried to have a reasonable discussion with her to no avail.

Now- i must be getting 20 if not more texts a day. Calls in the middle of the night and to my workplace which is pissing my boss off and causing problems for me at work.

I snapped yesterday and called her and told me if she didnt stop calling, i would be calling the police. I have been making a log of all the calls and texts and combined im getting contacted by her 30 times a day- on average. There have been times when i have woken up to 25 missed calls.

The children have been coming since but nothing has been said because I dont think they should be involved. But there is an air of hostility. Not outward hostility- but you know when theres just that atmosphere??

The children were due to stay this weekend but DH has cancelled because of her behaviour. He has threatened that if she doesnt stop he will walk away from his children.

This has shockhmmconfused me a little. While it is extreme- surely your children always come first?

Its made me question our relationship if im honest blush

AIBU?

Kitsandkids Fri 05-Feb-16 22:27:18

Walk away from them?! In that type of situation I would be expecting him to push for them to live with him!

Xmasbaby11 Fri 05-Feb-16 22:29:00

Yanbu. That is a really weird reaction and actually you'd expect the opposite one. Would he actually go through with it?

I would involve the police.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 05-Feb-16 22:30:01

I don't think it's as simple as that. He can't mean it.

Maybe he's at a loss how to deal with her, and thinks she'll react positively to his threat.

honeysucklejasmine Fri 05-Feb-16 22:31:32

I would definitely involve the police, and I'd also be mightily unimpressed with your DP. It's not the kids fault his ex is harassing you.

Ineedtimeoff Fri 05-Feb-16 22:32:53

his reaction is wrong. if she really is that unhinged he should be pushing to have the kids more not less, give them a bit of normality.

Can't you leave them to it for a weekend?

228agreenend Fri 05-Feb-16 22:32:57

It's great he is supporting you, but not that he has threatened to abandon his children.

I think you need to involve the police, and your dh needs to have a chat with his children exposing that you are doing this and why. Ie. Ex is bullying you. If they don't believe dh, show them the call log of calls ( you don't have to show actual texts) to prove it.

abbsismyhero Fri 05-Feb-16 22:33:10

i would assume he doesn't mean it especially if it's out of character for him he is trying to support you in a clumsy way

if he carries out the threat however he would be seeing my dust as i fled

it would make me pause but not run yet

Pantone363 Fri 05-Feb-16 22:33:12

She sounds crazy.

What is the content of the texts if you don't mind me asking? Do they have a theme.

Log, screen shot and go to the police if it carries on.

No, I wouldn't stay with a man who abandoned his DC. Possibly it was the last ditch thing he could think to say to shock her into leaving you alone?

Oswin Fri 05-Feb-16 22:34:39

I would be off asap op. For a start he chose to move away.
He only does one weekend a month, they only bloody live 90 mins away.
Now he threatens his ex he will walk away? What a utter twat.

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 05-Feb-16 22:37:04

Honestly the way I'm reading that is not that he's putting you before the children, but that he's completely overwhelmed with what he's dealing with.

Has there been any professional input?

altctrldel Fri 05-Feb-16 22:40:47

When DH told me earlier in the week that he was going to cancel I said id leave them to it for the weekend no problem. But he still did it- despite knowing I changed my shifts so im working all weekend so I have time off with him during the week next week and so he could have a weekend just him and the children. I was a bit hmm by that too.

No particular theme to the texts. Some calling me a slut, some saying he will break my heart and sometimes just sending me blank text messages to get me to reply.

I honestly dont know he if he is joking and its making me uncomfortable. I like to think I know him well enough to know when he is joking, but I cant tell if he is or not and I dont know what that is telling me tbh.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 05-Feb-16 22:40:55

Agree Voldys

altctrldel Fri 05-Feb-16 22:42:38

I did contact the police for some advice- it was them who told me to start making a log of what was being said, calls etc and to keep all texts if I wanted to make an official report.

wotoodoo Fri 05-Feb-16 22:44:35

Definitely log the calls/ texts with the police as they will give you an incident number which you can quote back to her.

Finish with your partner, ask him to put his dc first as she sounds mentally unbalanced.

Any partner who has to be told by a third party to put their dc first would be a deal breaker for me.

Unbelievable. A huge turn off. As if he wants to wash his hands of them!!

UNforgiveable. Your instincts are correct.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu Fri 05-Feb-16 22:46:01

How awful for those poor children if their father ends his relationship with them. Utterly despicable.

I suppose he is thinking he wants to start afresh with his ex absent from his life. Well, as a parent you have responsibilities to your children, you don't abandon them.

I do know of a few men who have ended their relationship with their child, and (unsurprisingly) they haven't made good partners or fathers in their subsequent relationships, so I would be very wary OP. It smacks of a certain attitude towards other people and your responsibilities, that you can just wash your hands of them if it gets too difficult for you, which I wouldn't accept.

Do go to the Police about the harassment though.

TitClash Fri 05-Feb-16 22:50:03

How did she get your number?
Get another phone for actual calls and only give that number to people you trust.

DP may just have had enough an just not want to deal with it any more. He wants to move on with his life and cant.

I strongly recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, who is an expert risk analyst and deals with stalkers. He is ex FBI and now runs a private security company, mainly working for celebs.

Viviennemary Fri 05-Feb-16 22:52:28

The ex sounds barking mad. He obviously doesn't know how to deal with her and stop the threatening behaviour. But nobody knows the backstory. Maybe he cheated on her to make her like this. Don't know if I'd want to be involved with somebody with a mad ex. Sounds like too much hassle.

mommy2ash Fri 05-Feb-16 22:54:16

The ex sounds mad but if he is willing to cancel his kids one weekend a month with him over an issue out of their control he isn't a very good dad. Would be a deal breaker for me

AyeAmarok Fri 05-Feb-16 23:02:54

I don't think he means it. I think he's just reacted in a misguided way to a completely ridiculous and apparently escalating situation!

altctrldel Fri 05-Feb-16 23:03:38

She has tried to call me nearly 20 times since 7pm hmm

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 05-Feb-16 23:05:30

His kids are in no way to blame, even if they are creating an "atmosphere"
What the hell is he thinking?

TendonQueen Fri 05-Feb-16 23:08:19

Police station with that call list tomorrow. Ask them to have a word with her. And tell your DP he needs to step up and keep an eye on his kids, plus show the ex he won't be intimidated rather than running away.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 05-Feb-16 23:09:21

I think he's really hoping that she will take his threat seriously and leave you alone - whether he'd actually follow through is another matter!
I understand your feelings though, it's not nice to think he could even think he would do that - but here's hoping it was always an empty threat.

altctrldel Fri 05-Feb-16 23:12:14

Thumb- she obviously hasnt if tonight is anything to go by. Another 3 missed calls since my last post hmm. And no doubt ill go into work in the morning to find she has tried to call me at work as well.

I have a bigger doubt now. Your all right. Why would someone let their children live with someone like this.

I wouldnt call her unhinged. She just wants me to give up- and the annyoing thing is she might get what she wants

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