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AIBU to *sometimes* wish my DS was 'normal'?

(98 Posts)
MooMoo12345 Fri 05-Feb-16 16:50:12

Name change.

I just want to make things crystal clear. My DS is perfect, he has great character, a wonderful smile and can lighten up anyone's day. I actually wouldn't change him for the world - I'd change the world for him though... He has Down's Syndrome (he's 7) and life is really tough, not for me and not for him really (because he isn't that aware, but he will be later) all the children, which I can deal with, after all, they are just kids! Tend to point and go "ewww, Mummy/Daddy, why does he look like that!?" and I will happily say "he's most certainly not 'ewww', but he has a condition called Down's Syndrome" and then the parents will be like "yes, aren't you lucky you don't have that, sweetie, wouldn't it be utterly dreadful" and I appreciate it may not be said in a horrible way, but all I can do is protect my son the best I can from the world and sometimes I get really upset and sometimes wish he was 'normal', but for his sake and I get that's harsh, but one day, I'll die and there will be no one to protect him sad

heavenlypink Fri 05-Feb-16 17:00:19

I get it moo moo YANBU thanks**
**
DS 18 (soon to be 19) mild/moderate learning disabilities which impacts across day to day life . Moving over to adult services and the reality of 'after I'm gone' is constantly in my thoughts these days

Toffeelatteplease Fri 05-Feb-16 17:02:29

Totally get it. Yanbu. flowers

Have a DS with SN xxx

Owllady Fri 05-Feb-16 17:04:02

I think anyone with a child with a learning disability worries about how vulnerable they are and what will happen in the future sad other people are arseholes but the older they get the less you notice it really, well I don't notice it at all tbh. You develop a thick skin smile

SamVJ888 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:06:18

I have a beautiful Dd with a disability and very slight learning difficulties. My mum always used to tell me how boring the world would be if everyone was the same and I think there's never been a truer word spoken. flowers

hesterton Fri 05-Feb-16 17:06:27

People can be so rubbish about issues around true, inbedded inclusion in society. I'm sorry you have that rubbish to contend with. What suggestions do people have for how mums could respond to that sort of comment by their young children? I know thre isn't one standard response but some ideas? And that question would be to anyone who has been through this kind of crap.

Owllady Fri 05-Feb-16 17:10:39

I'm usually factual but my daughter is sixteen now so she answers for herself. She told a woman in lidl (who obviously hadn't seen anyone with SN before) to SHUUUUT UP! angry
It made me grin

CottonFrock Fri 05-Feb-16 17:10:43

Of course yANBU. All that 'special children are given to special parents' guff is toxic because it doesn't allow parents of children with SN any space to have anything other than cutesy-pie positivity, and it deletes the things that you're talking about now, which are difficult.

Have you come across an annoying Irush TV presenter called Brendan O'Connor? He only redeems himself in my eyes by occasional journalism about being the parent of a daughter with DS.

www.independent.ie/life/family/brendan-oconnor-happy-birthday-to-my-baby-girl-mary-31485899.html

CottonFrock Fri 05-Feb-16 17:12:12

Irish, not Irush.

GloGirl Fri 05-Feb-16 17:14:00

YANBU Moo. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such awful comments shock

The world beggars belief sometimes. Could you spend a bit of time and think about what you would really like to say in those situations? I think it would be perfectly reasonable if you over hear a child asking questions and say "That boy over there is called Jim, he's my son. He might be look a little different to you but he loves cars and trucks and loves watching Ben 10. You could always come and say Hello, Jim loves meeting new people"

I'd probably have a card for the parents that said "Don't be such a rude cunt" And hand it over as I walked off. Not really, but I would probably give them a Paddington Bear stare and imagine handing over the card.

Or how about just the phrase "That's a hurtful thing to say" when someone is a right dickhead.

SpoiltMardyCow Fri 05-Feb-16 17:14:21

Golly Moo Moo.... of course you wish your child didn't have DS. And more for the reason you said...that you son will have a tougher life and you worry about what will happen to him when you're gone.
People are ignorant and say cruel things.
YANBU.
I feel for you and wish you only the best.

VagueIdeas Fri 05-Feb-16 17:18:59

Do children really say "Ew!" at the facial features of a child with Downs? I just can't imagine that.

and then the parents will be like "yes, aren't you lucky you don't have that, sweetie, wouldn't it be utterly dreadful"

People have actually SAID that?

MooMoo12345 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:20:16

Yes, I have had it a good few times, but slightly different wording - I used a specific situation, I must admit, these were mothers who, let's just say, more plastic than some.

bishboschone Fri 05-Feb-16 17:23:00

I hear you !! I have a son with an undiagnosed genetic condition .. I have to say I'd flatten anyone who said that about my child . It's shockingly rude !! I absolutely adore my son but I'm happy to admit I would change him . I'm terrified of what will happen to him when he is an adult and we aren't here . The world is hard enough for 'typical ' children and adults . To watch my son struggle at school everyday to walk / communicate / learn is frankly heart breaking .

DixieNormas Fri 05-Feb-16 17:25:03

Ds4 has asd his development is quite delayed, you wouldn't know to look at him so when he has melt downs people often give the look at that spoilt undisciplined child look. I've heard the he needs a good smack a few times too.

We often get oh it's such a shame, he's so lovely looking. (he is very pretty) I've wanted to say would it be better if he was ugly then ? but havent

MooMoo12345 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:25:13

With Down's, he is so very happy and enjoys everything, which is why I say I wouldn't change him - because even if he didn't have Down's he wouldn't be happy all the time, so I guess that's a plus!

toldmywrath Fri 05-Feb-16 17:29:02

That is dreadful of those parents to say that. I had a dear brother with Downs syndrome (now sadly passed away) and I never heard those sort of remarks, but I did get upset by some (usually children) reactions of fear- as if my wonderful brother was something other than a human being.

YANBU in your sometime wish for normality, my mum grieved over the potential that was not available to my brother. He was a very happy chap but he never had the opportunities that me & my siblings did.

flowers

notmaryberry Fri 05-Feb-16 17:30:27

I always say that I wouldn't change DD for me, but I would change her for her. We're in the teenage years, so now I am into worrying about her future.

hefzi Fri 05-Feb-16 17:31:08

What on earth is wrong with people?! Why on earth would you respond in that way to a DS child? And why on earth do people nowadays seem to have to run other children - NT or not - down to their own DC? angry

I'm sorry you have to face such unpleasant and ignorant people, OP: your response is great, but they are a bunch or rude, ignorant, ghastly fuckers flowers I love GloGirl's response though- it's horrid that people are encouraging their children to see the condition and not the person.

Tupperwarelid Fri 05-Feb-16 17:31:44

YANBU. My son has ASD, I wish he didn't. I worry alot about what will happen when he leaves his primary school, where everyone knows him, and moves to a large secondary. I have no idea what the future holds and that makes me scared for him.

I've had comments about his melt downs and behaviour in public. I wish I had the balls to make some comment back but I'm normally fighting back tears and want to get away as soon as possible.

MistressDeeCee Fri 05-Feb-16 17:32:36

This has shocked me a bit. Particularly in this day and age people are STILL that ignorant, have they truly never seen a Downs Syndrome child before? & even if so, the open rudeness is nasty behaviour their parents must be pigs. Sorry for insult to pigs.

I really can't get my head around what the parents said.

Sirzy Fri 05-Feb-16 17:34:20

Every child I have encounter with who had ds the only reaction from me is to smile, they all seem to have such lovely contagious smiles!

I am struggling with ds and his disabilities at the moment and the comments others come out with make it even harder. Especially the school parents

leelu66 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:35:58

As a child, I would never have dreamed of pointing and talking about a child who was different, or an adult even.

Are those who are mean as children mean as adults?

YANBU, OP. I hope your DS is happy and secure always.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:36:19

Yanbu at all.

I'm sorry that people have reacted so awfully - that is very rude.

MooMoo12345 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:40:59

I've had teens make horrible comments too - about him needing to lose weight and looking like a 'potato' and at that age, I let loose, completely flip out... angry

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