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Aibu to say "no" to dd's godfather?

(251 Posts)
Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 16:47:49

Background. We live abroad with no family on either side close by. We have three dds. Oldest (8yrs) has a godfather in this city. Godfather lives with his girlfriend. They decided many years ago not to have any dcs. Godfather is dear friend of DH. I like godfather and his partner.
So - the AIBU. Godfather likes to take dd out once every three weeks for dinner. This is in the last 18mts since we moved here. The two younger ones get very upset by this (not fair, she gets everything etc). Godfather is aware that it is causing conflict. I have suggested once evey few months. Have also explained time and again to DH. It falls on deaf ears with both.
It now seems to have turned into a battle of wills. I dread the emails asking as he often will push back for an alternate day and not accept my excuse. DH says it is wonderful that another adult is taking an interest. I think that every three weeks is too much and compromises her relationship with her sisters. I also think she is too young to have an "outside" relationship but maybe I am wrong there? My Godparents gave presents and an occasional day but became more active when I was older (teen). Same with my sibs and cousins.
So Wibu to say once every three to four months?

llhj Fri 05-Feb-16 16:51:25

If you're unhappy and feel it's wrong for the whole family, then you've just got to put it on the line and explain very firmly. Perhaps diarise the next 3 over the next year so there's no quibbling.

CMOTDibbler Fri 05-Feb-16 16:51:32

I think its lovely that he wants to spend the time with your dd, and its not his fault the others don't have involved godparents/family.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Feb-16 16:52:20

If he waits until she's a teenager to be more active in her life, she probably won't want to know.

Can you not take the other two out when he takes his GD out? I don't think it's fair to insist he takes her out every 3 to 4 months.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Feb-16 16:55:17

Also, I think you should be doing everything to can to see that it doesn't 'compromise' her relationship with her sisters.

Lots of children who have different fathers to their siblings, seem to manage this sort of thing every other weekend.

I'm sure you can find a fairer solution than once every 3 to 4 months.

44PumpLane Fri 05-Feb-16 16:56:35

By asking him to be Godfather to your DD you were asking him to specifically take an active interest in your child, he happens to be taking that responsibility seriously and it sounds lovely.
Like a prior poster has said, if he waits until she's older she won't want to know him.

Also it's a good lesson for all children to learn, that just because one gets doesn't mean everyone gets, you could do something else with them when your DD is out.

I do understand but I think YAB a little bit U.

NNalreadyinuse Fri 05-Feb-16 16:59:09

This is one of the reasons why my dc have no godparents - it is awful for the ones whose godparents make no effort.

I would say no, that it is causing problems for your other dc and that as the parent you have to consider all the children. He is taking a very selfish view imo - that as the gp he has a right to do as he pleases and never mind the effect on other children. As the parent, you get final say. You dont have to negotiate with him, just stick to what you feel is best

CottonFrock Fri 05-Feb-16 17:00:15

I agree with your DH. It's not the godfather's fault that the younger ones are jealous, and I honestly don't think it's fair to try to make normal jealousy in family dynamics his issue by trying to limit his interaction with his godchild. Either you figure out an alternative activity for the others, or they just learn that everything isn't strictly 'fair'.

Ragwort Fri 05-Feb-16 17:00:27

I agree with your DH, it is lovely that your DD's Godfather is showing so much interest in her ............ and how much do the younger to really know about what she is doing, unless you make a huge fuss about your DD going out with DGF; can't you just say something like 'DD is meeting DFG today' - do they really ask where and why she is going out with him? confused.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:02:54

Yabvu.

He is godparent to one of your children. Let him godparent that child.

If you don't want him to take her out quite so frequently - although j think it's lovely he's taking such an interest in her, what a lovely godparent - then tell him. But he absolutely shouldn't be expected to take such an interest in the other children, unless he initiates it.

MammaTJ Fri 05-Feb-16 17:03:26

I don't think it is his fault or your DDs fault that he is taking his role in her life seriously and others are not for her younger siblings. This is something that you have to manage some other way, maybe by getting them a treat when he takes her out.

Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 17:05:36

CMOT - this is true, it is not his fault but nor is the children's fault that their Godparents and gps are in different countries and time zones. it is also not easy for a 7 yr old and a 5 year old to accept this at this frequency.
WORRA - I am not suggesting that he wait until she is a teenager. However I would like him to tone it down a little and consider the impact on the whole family.

Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 17:11:01

RAGWORTH - of course they ask where she and what she is doing. Why is that strange? I would find it strange if they didn't.
I agree that she is lucky that he takes an interest. I agree that it is great that he makes the effort. However, I do think that every three weeks is too much and the impact on the entire family must be taken into account.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Fri 05-Feb-16 17:11:07

Why don't you arrange for them to meet you all as a family on every other occasion for lunch?

Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 17:15:51

THROUGH - I also don't think he should take an interest in the other two. Never on the cards at all. I have told him it is too much. I have told him that the other two struggle with it (remember they are young). I have always answered with other suggested dates. However he pushes back against that. And frankly I do not like that.
None of you thinks that every three weeks is too much?
I should toss it around in my mind a bit more in that case.

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 05-Feb-16 17:16:19

I don't understand why there is such an impact though.

Let the others pick a takeaway that night, or pizza in front of a movie, her sisters reaction shouldn't mean she should miss out.
Essentially it is sad that they are far away from their Godparents but as much as that isn't their fault, it isn't the eldests fault either.

Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 17:17:54

TREAD - he wants her on his own. It is a different experience with all of us obviously. I think part of it is scratching his itch of "having" a child for a day!😅

MerryMarigold Fri 05-Feb-16 17:18:49

It's a hard one. Ds2 is better at just about everything - including Nintendo, Spelling, Football etc.- than ds1 (3 yr age gap) and it is NOT FAIR. I struggle so much, but all you can do is help them through it under these circumstances. If I had it in my power to change it, I would. (Actually, it would be wonderful for ds1 if he had a godparent like this, but off the point!!).

I think you need to ask your dh WHY he thinks it is ok for the other dds to be jealous so frequently if it's in his control to change it. It's probably good there's 2 of them, and this may help bring them closer, but I think may also create a little bit of distance between the eldest and them. Think through all the dynamics eg. is one better in school, at sports, at friendships? If dd1 is excelling in all these, then I would definitely tone it down. If she is a bit insecure then it could be fantastic for her self confidence. If I were you, I would sit down and have a good discussion with dh about the pros and cons, try to stay open minded as to his thoughts and then compromise. Every 3-4 months could be every 2 months, which is still better than every 3 weeks. And there may be people on here who can

catsinthecraddle Fri 05-Feb-16 17:19:04

I think YABU too.

It's lovely to have a godfather take interest in your child.

As much as I like to treat my kids equally as much as possible, I am afraid they all have to learn that they all do different things. The older siblings go to sleepovers, on camping trips - all things that the others are too young to do just yet. One will have a car before the others. On the other hand, some have more homework than others.

If you keep your 2 youngest occoupied, I really don't understand why it's an issue for them. They get more time with you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:19:35

I think every 3,weeks is very frequent; but unless she starts complaining its too much then I would leave it.

Sorry I misread the bit about the other two complaining about how she gets everything and they don't, that he should extend his interest to them too. Apologies.

Floggingmolly Fri 05-Feb-16 17:19:39

It can't seriously be "compromising her relationship with her sisters"??
Try to keep it in proportion, fgs. You chose him as Godfather to your eldest child; it's not his (or her) fault the others have Godparents who are crap by comparison less hands on / interested,
You'd have something to moan about if he ignored her completely.

Drinkstoomuchcoffee Fri 05-Feb-16 17:20:29

YABU.

DC have to learn that they cannot always have what their siblings have. The sooner they grasp this the happier they will be in life.

NNalreadyinuse Fri 05-Feb-16 17:20:56

I think it is too much. Esseentially gf as decided not to have kids of his own but quite fancies cherry picking the nice bits of parenting with your dd and thinks it is okay to ignore you, the actual parent when you have some concerns regarding impact on your other dc, whose feelings do need to be considered.

Harriedharriet Fri 05-Feb-16 17:21:44

ARMFUL - I am trying to lessen the impact on all of us by stretching it out a bit. Oldest dd still gets out with him, not so frequently that the others get sidelined.
I mean, think of 7 and 5 year old. Why does he not like us? That is frequently asked. Make a nice evening for the others? Obviously I do but I just find the frequency too much. Wouldn't a friend listen to that and take it on board? Wouldn't that be important on some level?

Floggingmolly Fri 05-Feb-16 17:22:37

The other two struggle with it? Stop giving it oxygen... Would they struggle with her joining Brownies, for example?

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