to feel bloody useless and pointless?

[magnificatAnimaMea]

Everyone seems to think I'm a waste of space. I'm just ploughing on through the middle of it all, trying to do what I do, trying not to feel too hurt that I have nothing to give that anyone really seems to want.

I used to have a relatively OK career in academia. But I couldn't cope with the bullying and aggression. I got seriously depressed, gave up. Very few people seemed to notice and no-one seemed to care.

Since then my DH seems to have largely characterized me as being lovable but dysfunctional, disabled with ASD and ADHD and depression (I have diagnoses of all three, though wouldn't describe myself as depressed at the moment). The feeling of him being functional and me being just shit comes out a lot as I am now studying in his academic field, so end up asking him a lot of basic questions. Also we seem to be having no luck with having kids. He always says it's OK - but I have the feeling he wishes he could just dump me for someone brighter, sparkier, younger, more fertile.

My parents have always treated me as a waste of space; particularly so since I gave up my career in academia - they both ASD and don't make any effort to put any social gloss on thinking I'm useless. Kindness and compassion aren't really in their vocabulary. DH's parents are intelligent but just reasonably unkind people, who think I'm a feckless moneygrabbing sponger.

I've never really been any good at having friends. Left behind school people (who didn't like me anyway); didn't make friends at uni; academia people never really made any effort to return my attempts at being nice and have all dropped me completely since i left; people where we are now either just ignore me socially, or make it clear they are a bit sorry for me on the grounds of my general shitness. DH's friends all clearly think I'm a loser. Most of them only respond to contact from us if the contact is obviously written by DH.

A couple of "friends" (made by DH), who have always been "nice" to me while making it obvious they think I'm useless - have recently been ignoring us at a thing we all do once a week. Turns out everyone else in that group already knows they're expecting kid #3, already knows various other stuff that's happened in the last few weeks - meanwhile (because of the other stuff) I'd been sending the wife kind emails saying i hoped she was OK and let me know if I can do anything - none of the emails was answered.

To my knowledge i am not rude, nor am I particularly blunt or outspoken. I smile and look people in the eye, i chat to kids, I earn money (working remotely for a couple of companies - seems to be the only way I can do work without becoming a target for bullies), I study, I do hobbies, I do stuff round the house, I'm not a slob. It's just that the other people always seem to quickly decide I'm just shit, no matter what the context.

[RoseDeGambrinus]

Hello no time to respond properly but and bumping this so others see it!

[fusspot66]

You don't sound shit to me, but you do sound depressed .

[thegreysheep]

Hi there, you do sound depressed you poor thing. Maybe your crappy parents (due to their own issues) instilled the belief in you and it's become a self-fulfilling prophesy - rather than the reality? I know when I feel down in myself I tend to assume other people feel that way about me too - even though I have no evidence of this and they are probably too busy thinking of themselves!

Maybe try some CBT or have a chat to your GP for help with the feelings? Sounds tough, take care.