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To resent my stepfather for his illness?

(186 Posts)
Larkdedah Thu 04-Feb-16 16:12:03

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:16:56

Op you sound utter vile. You lack any compassion. Its up to your mam how she deals with her husband. My dad recently had strokes and my mam has had to be more hands on. Unfortunately thats what happens when people get older, im sure they had many plans once my DM retired. You can resent someone for their behaviour but not their ill health. You sound annoyed you lost a baby sitter. You can still bring her round to see your mum.

AlwaysHopeful1 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:21:02

Wow you sound so ugly. Are you really angry at him for having a serious Illness??
Yes seems like you are more upset at your babysitter being lost.

Nottodaythankyouorever Thu 04-Feb-16 16:23:24

Op you sound utter vile. You lack any compassion. Its up to your mam how she deals with her husband.

I actually agree.

I hope you are perfect OP and never do anything wrong in your life ever.

Larkdedah Thu 04-Feb-16 16:23:43

Nope, noting to do with losing a baby sitter, I don't need a baby sitter. It's everything to do with DD and my mum losing their relationship.

If he was a lovely man who'd loved and cared for my mum I'd have a some compassion, but all he's done is drain her over the years,and now he's taken away her time to relax and be free from work.

Katenka Thu 04-Feb-16 16:24:35

I could kind of sympathise until I read His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum.

It's sounds like you are more annoyed that your DM isn't at your beck and call.

Your mum married you know the 'in sickness and in health'. She chose to stay married to him since you were 15. Why would she choose to leave him now he is sick? Even if he is the twat you say he is, she isn't going on to decide now is the time to kick him out. She chose to stay with him and inflict him on you in your teen years.

Support your mum the best you can. She has a had hard a few years. Sh needs support not resentment.

Bubblesinthesummer Thu 04-Feb-16 16:25:06

Grow up. You sound like a teenager having a tantrum.

Polgara25 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:26:12

Offer to give her a break from him and sit with him for an evening or an afternoon while she goes out.

Arrange some kind of respite care?

Larkdedah Thu 04-Feb-16 16:27:14

Yes, I am angry at him for having a serious illness, which he brought on himself. He was told and told by my mum and his doctor to stop smoking as he was damaging his lungs and he didn't. Now my mum has to care for him, as she has spent the last few years caring for her parents. She needs a break, she described the situation to me a soul destroying.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:28:40

Its sounds as if you expect your DM to choose. Your an adult act like one. You sound like a perticulant child. Stop using your DD as an excuse,you dont like the man and want rid. Your DD can still have a relationship with grandma. Your DM is an grown adult and capable of making her own decisions about her partner.

WorraLiberty Thu 04-Feb-16 16:29:32

One of the most awful threads I've read in a long while.

Your DD is lucky to have such a lovely gran though.

Larkdedah Thu 04-Feb-16 16:30:33

He won't have respite care or anyone else other than my mum care for him(we've tried) he says it makes him feel like an old man.

I don't want my mum at my beck and call, I don't need her for anything. She loves spending time with DD, and visa versa. They used to go for days out together, not because I needed baby sitter, because they loved each other's company. It's the loss of that I resent.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime Thu 04-Feb-16 16:30:47

So you are angry with a man who is dying because your DM looking after him cuts back on the time she has with your DD.

Wow

You may not like him but you seriously need to back off.

MistressDeeCee Thu 04-Feb-16 16:31:28

YANBU OP. Id be unhappy at this situation too..fags for life, the inevitable illness it leads to, and then watching your DMs life being taken over by said self-inflicted illness. Whats to like in that? & I say that as an ex-smoker who didn't want to give up, but HAD to as I (hopefully) don't want to hurry my death and not see future grandchildren because I couldn't/wouldn't give up. Its tough, but as I see it I care about myself and my family so thats that I could murder for a cig at times tho!

Nothing you can do about it however, your DM chose this man and she just has to get on with it. As resentful as you feel, and thats no surprise as it doesn't sound as if growing up with him was easy - you have to find a way to take your mind off it. You and your DD have a chance of a good life, if your DM can't bond with her one evening a week thats just the way of it. You & your DD have each other your DM has her husband. He is her priority now. So, let it go

Please ignore people calling you "vile, horrid" etc thats probably the least you will be called. Just lately on MN it seems unless you put up a post that makes you sound like a timid little people-pleasing woman who never gets angry, you are utterly villified.

Yes sometimes we re angry at situations in life, not always right but who's perfect or never troubled by what they view as unfairness? It may be in some ways that you are unreasonable, but vile, horrid - no. You are human. Try your best not to let this situation be a main feature in your life it'll do you no good dwelling on it.

WanderingNotLost Thu 04-Feb-16 16:31:39

I can sympathise OP. I loathe and detest smoking, and have absolutely no sympathy for sick people whose sickness directly results from smoking. They chose to make themselves ill.

CrossfireHurricane Thu 04-Feb-16 16:31:50

I hear you flowers
Except ours was alcohol x

DontCareHowIWantItNow Thu 04-Feb-16 16:31:57

One of the most awful threads I've read in a long while.

I agree Worra

Larkdedah Thu 04-Feb-16 16:33:22

I probably am having a teenage tantrum, on here. I don't do it in real life, in real life I say nothing.

I don't like him, but I don't say that to my mum.

MissBattleaxe Thu 04-Feb-16 16:33:25

he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child YANBU to dislike somebody for those reasons.

However, YABVVVU for being angry with someone for having this terrible disease. Yes, he smoked, but that doesn't mean he deserves to suffer like this, and believe me, he will really, really suffer with COPD. Smokers know it's bad for them, but they are addicted. It doesn't mean they deserve payback.

COPD sufferers end up being unable to walk more than few steps without having to inhale as hard as they can for a tiny partial lungful of air. They are uncomfortbale day and night. It's like watching someone drown on dry land. I've seen it happen to someone I loved very much.

Find some bloody compassion no matter what your feelings are for him as a person. Support your Mum. Offer her some respite.

Sunbeam1112 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:34:07

He is most likely in denial about the situation. Did you resent you grandparents poor health when they were alive to? Unfortunately poor health can affect anyone even the most fittnest at ANY stage of life but your whole attitude is vile. You won't get much support on MN. What do you expect us to say oh poor you OP your an adult.

Polgara25 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:34:10

Tell him that he'll turn his DW into an old woman if he doesn't accept care from others.

I've every sympathy for him regarding his disease, but those who refuse care from anyone but their nearest and dearest are horribly selfish.

I've seen being a carer wreck people. He has to accept respite. It's not for his benefit.

Shutthatdoor Thu 04-Feb-16 16:34:27

Just lately on MN it seems unless you put up a post that makes you sound like a timid little people-pleasing woman who never gets angry, you are utterly villified.

Absolute rubbish.

However being angry at a dying man because he is stealing the DD and DM line is low.

Gazelda Thu 04-Feb-16 16:35:40

Your poor mum. She's been through a tough time, she's now a carer for her husband and her daughter is behaving like a jealous, petulant, selfish child.

MushroomMama Thu 04-Feb-16 16:35:44

My dad died due to amongst other things smoking. He dropped dead from a heart attack at 42 I was 15.

Do I resent him for not listening to doctors and me. No. He was hopelessly addicted and addiction is awful and not something that can just be dealt with like a broken bone.

I understand your frustration but your mum is an adult and she can say no if she wants too

MissBattleaxe Thu 04-Feb-16 16:36:06

And my loved one died 14 years after quitting. He did so well to quit.

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