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AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

(214 Posts)

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Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:06:50

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 03-Feb-16 20:10:43

Is the internal door locked twice? So it's just the outside door unlocked?

It's probably obvious but change the lock so it's locked when you shut it (mine does this)

That's definitely an alternative to dumping him grin

Seriouslyffs Wed 03-Feb-16 20:10:55

Wow.
Massive overreaction.

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:12:32

Its not a massive overreaction. It is leaving our home and everything we own unlocked for 12 hours, thus granting the 200+ people that live in our building, and umpteen builders, posties, and randoms off the street who can wander in too access to burgle us, and invalidate our insurance in the process.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Feb-16 20:13:07

I know you don't have children but I have to say I wouldn't let a man like that bath a baby or take a toddler out to the shops.

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:13:08

Or do people on here regularly leave their front doors in East London open for the world to take what they like?

wannabestressfree Wed 03-Feb-16 20:13:29

You sound like a huge control freak when you could just change the lock. Buy one and do it with him at the weekend.
And Don't bollock him. Your not his mum...

WhyIRayLiotta Wed 03-Feb-16 20:13:44

YABU to have told him you have been burgled when you haven't. hmm

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:13:48

Neither would I Imperial.

SoreArms Wed 03-Feb-16 20:14:25

I would be cross but wouldn't consider it a dumping offence by any stretch.

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:15:06

Nope, not accepting the control freak argument on this one.

If it is controlling to want everything I own to be secured when we leave the house, so be it.

It is a basic minimum as far as I'm concerned.

JohnLuther Wed 03-Feb-16 20:15:08

YABU.

It's certainly not a deal breaker, he's forgetful not ill.

Euphemia Wed 03-Feb-16 20:15:53

YABU to lie to scare him.

YABU to seethe for days when nothing bad actually happened.

Get the lock changed for one that just needs the door to be pulled closed to be locked.

Be practical - think about how to avoid the situation. Change the lock, or chuck the bloke?

theycallmemellojello Wed 03-Feb-16 20:16:03

You sound insane. You "bollocked" him? As now you're lying to him maliciously? You need to take a step back and think about lashing out at the scattinness of someone you supposedly love is really you being your best self. You sound like a bully, honestly I'd seek counselling for anger management. Not trying to be horrible, but I think you need to make a change.

Waypasttethersend Wed 03-Feb-16 20:16:34

You can't equate forgetting to lock the front door with taking a toddler out PP! I've left my front door unlocked twice, once wide open, I've yet to forget a kid ok DD3 once but for like 2 minutes.

You are overreacting you shouldn't have said you'd been burgled, but a Yale lock and chill out. Are you perfect?

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:17:20

Are you perfect?

Not nearly, obviously. But I don't do anything nearly this careless ever.

elelfrance Wed 03-Feb-16 20:18:22

Just buy a lock that will lock automatically when the door closes, wouldn't that solve the problem?

JohnLuther Wed 03-Feb-16 20:18:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Valan Wed 03-Feb-16 20:19:28

Not trying to be horrible

You've not done a very good job at that. Why should I accept that scattishness?

At what point can I be angry? At the point when thousands upon thousands of pounds of my property has been stolen and my insurance won't cover it.

Unfortunately I don't live in a world where that kind of money is no big deal to me. So I'll remain angry at his forgetfulness.

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:00

Christ. He has a weakness. He's human. You sound about as forgiving and flexible as a brick wall.

Boleh Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:10

Get a Yale lock.

I've forgotten to lock the deadlock on our flat door a couple of times in the last 10 years or so - fortunately we also have a Yale. On I think 3 occasions I've unlocked the door with my hands full when I got home and then come in, put down bags and left my keys in the lock outside overnight! DH has also fine this once or twice. It's not great but it's hardly a LTB offence!

passmethewineplease Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:16

I think you've gone too far with lying. Be pissed off yes, but don't bullshit.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:25

Your loss is his gain.

YABU.

VelvetSpoon Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:27

Sounds like you're under a lot of stress.

Giving him a bollocking the first time he did it? Bloody hell, have you never made a mistake?!

My bf has left his door unlocked (inadvertently, it's old, doesn't shut properly, you have to really shove it/pull it to close) several times, it's one of those 'oh shit' then 'thank fuck' moments when you realise you haven't been burgled. We both make mistakes. Neither of us do them on purpose.

Honestly it really isn't the end of the world. I wonder why you're making so much of it, if this really IS the only issue in your relationship?

gamerchick Wed 03-Feb-16 20:20:38

Just change the lock so it pulls shut. It's a bit crap to tell him you've been burgled, he's going to worry all the way home and come back to a mouthful of abuse off you.

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