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To not take DD to IL's

(35 Posts)
JellyBaby26 Wed 03-Feb-16 19:39:28

We will be taking our 8 month old to the BIL's next week. She has a neurological condition and can't sit up let alone crawl etc. we are staying at BIL's for the one night. When discussing the trip with his M & D they asked if we were going to pop in to their house.

They live a few short miles from their son, and all family are coming for a buffet meal thing in the evening.

Now...I have said no and DH tentatively agreed but feels guilty. The reason why is their house is an absolute state. I c ant emphasise how grim it is. You can't not wear shoes as who knows what the fuck is on the floor, the sofa is over 30 years old, they have a disgusting cat whose shit stays in its tray til they can be arsed to empty it, they are utter hoarders and are unable to finish jobs so the house is just minefield. She can't crawl but I refuse to take my baby in the house as I wouldn't be able to put her down anywhere.

AIBU to refuse to visit and just let them see us at their sons house? And to make DH tell them the truth why we aren't going to even walk up their drive? He wants to say that because I'm pregnant I can't go near the cat. I know they are going to invite and want us round on the Saturday .

Maybe I'm being selfish but all I'm looking forward to is the mamas and papas outlet...

Milanisabadman Wed 03-Feb-16 19:41:19


AlwaysHopeful1 Wed 03-Feb-16 19:41:57

Yanbu, I wouldn't either. And I do think being honest with them will stop you forever having to come up with excuses. If it's that filthy you don't need to make excuses and tip toe around it.

blobbityblob Wed 03-Feb-16 19:45:04

If your dc were older I'd say take em anyway (and keep their shoes on, and they'd probably know by then what their limits were with handwashing/cats etc). But if you're at the just about to crawl stage, I would say no tbh. But I'd be subtle about it - come and see us at BIL (without any explanation) that would be lovely.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 03-Feb-16 19:50:28


When DD was a baby, the PILs were hoarders and DH and I had a discussion about it when I was pregnant (after a visit where we couldn't even open the front door properly).

We decided we would just have to meet them elsewhere instead (pub lunch/coffee shop/soft play).

Slowlygettingthehangofthings Wed 03-Feb-16 19:53:15

I wouldn't want to go either. Can I ask, do you have a good relationship with your ILs? Is it just their dirty house that is the problem?
(I would probably lie and say that the baby is allergic to cats or something- there's your excuse for life! smile)

JellyBaby26 Wed 03-Feb-16 20:42:28

Don't have a bad relationship but I can't stand them!!! I have never enjoyed visiting them, in fact I hate it. DH says he doesn't like me when they visit us as I just go into my shell and don't say anything, it's easier that way! They are just so very different from my family and I.

I for one put my plate in the dishwasher and not the floor...

cansu Wed 03-Feb-16 20:50:29

Whether you go to their house or not, I think you should make more effort with them when they come to see you. Whether they put their plate in the dishwasher or not they are your dh parents and presumably he loves them and finds it upsetting when you are unfriendly to them.

coconutpie Wed 03-Feb-16 20:51:20

YANBU. I would not set foot in a house that filthy with a baby.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 03-Feb-16 20:55:44

Do they have mental health issues?

YANBU not to take your baby to their house but YABU to not talk to them when they come over for a visit.

Life is full of having to make nicey with people who are "very different" to us, and these are your husband's parents.

JellyBaby26 Wed 03-Feb-16 21:25:12

They are both on anti depressants and think everything happens to them etc. when our dd nearly died they had weeks off work when we just had to get on with it and didn't want sympathy. I know we all deal with things differently though...

The reason I say very little is because they think I'm some sort of spoilt princess and always think something's wrong and are always pitying dd and I. I can't even look for salt on the table without a fuss. I won't tell them my due date because of this as well and don't want them down here straight away once ds is born.

I sound horrible I know but they are incredibly difficult to be around. They just suck the positives out of everything and just moan 24/7. DH isn't keen either and sees my parents as more of a mum and dad than his own.

After writing this down I have concurred I am a heartless bitch.

Slowlygettingthehangofthings Thu 04-Feb-16 12:29:55

I wouldn't say you are a heartless bitch! I can sympathise as I have a colleague who is the same- negative, negative, negative all the time. It just puts my back up straight away before he even speaks.
Plus, I would be concerned if it was my house they were visiting, what must their personal hygiene be like! I would feel the need to dettol everything after they left.

MintyBojingles Thu 04-Feb-16 12:35:01

YANBU, however you're going to need to talk to them about it at some point, at least give them the opportunity to tidy up. I do understand that might not happen however! Sounds like an all round tough situation. Does your BIL have kids?

ViviPru Thu 04-Feb-16 12:36:14

What was actually said when they asked if you would visit? That would have been an ideal opportunity to say "we'd love to catch up with you at BIL's or Cafe X but with your house the way it is, its just not going to be practical for DD"

Maybe a bit blunt but factual and objective...

JellyBaby26 Thu 04-Feb-16 17:24:16

BIL has no kids and going there is a challenge as it is. He's over 30 and still thinks it's ok to get so rat arsed that he sleeps in his own vomit...but other than that it shouldn't be so bad!

When they asked we just said something about the time once we get up there how we will just want to get settled etc. but I know they will want us to go in on the Saturday and I'm just not prepared to do so on any terms!!

I know it needs to be approached but they take great offence at things and make no attempt to change.

MIL is morbidly obese and promised everyone she would lose weight for our wedding...did she ...did she balls.
They both just blame each other for the mess, the weight, the unfinished house, it's terrible. I want to say something but it's easier not to. However this same problem will keep cropping up every time we go there (which, thankfully is once in a blue moon).

Such a tough situation. If it were my folks I would had no trouble telling them at all,but it's not!

BarbarianMum Thu 04-Feb-16 17:30:10

You expected your MiL to lose weight for your wedding and she didn't? How totally embarrassing for you hmm.

usual Thu 04-Feb-16 17:36:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

voodoolooloo Thu 04-Feb-16 17:43:22

The house being a hovel is the issue here. MIL being obese is not.
Yanbu. I wouldn't be visiting.
The wedding comment makes you sound a princess btw.

PotteringAlong Thu 04-Feb-16 18:13:00

You sound like a nightmare. You wanted your mil to lose weight for your wedding? You don't talk to them when they're at your house? That's why they think you're a spoilt princess.

GloGirl Thu 04-Feb-16 18:18:20

I went to a filthy house once. I took the travel cot as a play pen and stayed for an hour. You could alternatively take her high chair and just leave her sat in that?

I think your grand-daughter should go to her GPs house. They're a part of her history, her family. Taking her at 8 months will be so much easier 18 months, and 18 months will be much easier than 28 months... Etc. Start off now so that they can see just how awkward it is having a child in their filth pit of a house. See if your DH mentions a couple of foreseeable problems about taking her once she starts crawling etc.

Really trying hard not to respond to the wedding conundrum, that is all you.

JellyBaby26 Thu 04-Feb-16 18:28:16

I wasn't bothered about her losing weight! It was a crap example but it's the same with everything, they say they will do something and don't. Like they will never sort the house! they are slobs

Now talking about things that aren't relevant so fine ignore the weight thing.

An example of the house...there is no flooring on the bathroom floor, never has been since I have been with DH. When they got the kitchen ceiling done they left a gaping hole in the ceiling for weeks so if you went to the loo, everyone in the house could hear and see you! And that didn't bother them.

I think I will struggle to get my point across to people who think I'm a spoilt princess !

JellyBaby26 Thu 04-Feb-16 18:29:56

I definitely did not say it bothered me about the wedding...I don't really know why I mentioned it other that to get the point across that they will never change.

firesidechat Thu 04-Feb-16 18:32:54

Not wanting to go to their house - understandable.

Not talking to them at your house because they aren't like your family - incredibly rude and nasty.

Annoyed because your mil didn't lose weight for your wedding (mess up the photos did she angry ) - got your priorities a bit skewed there op.

IamTheWhoreofBabylon Thu 04-Feb-16 18:37:43

You are going to be slated now OP for the weight comment
The thread won't move on because it will be jumped on
For what it's worth I didn't read it that you asked her to lose weight but that she said she was going to lose weight
I go to very grim houses in my work but I would not have taken my baby there
And once crawling imagine it. Let them come to BIL
They think you are precious anyway so anything you do is likely to be wrong

voodoolooloo Thu 04-Feb-16 18:39:34

So the not losing weight is indicative of them in general? You say they're depressed? It sounds like a rut they can't get out of.
I would take my children. It neither safe not pleasant ( for me either!).
Can you meet at a cafe? Or a pp mentioned taking a travel cot is that a good idea I wonder?
I think you're a little unreasonable not talking to them in your house but that's not what you asked! I would find it very hard to go visiting!

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