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ok I'm fairly sure I am but I need someone to talk some sense into me!

(50 Posts)
ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 02-Feb-16 17:41:11

ExH's gf is pregnant and was due around the end of this month.

It is DS' birthday tomorrow.

She was diagnosed with preclampsia about 2 weeks ago supposedly and will apparently be in hospital until the baby is born.

Because of this exH has said he won't be attending ds' birthday party on the weekend like he told ds he would.

Now, I know it isn't anyone's fault that she has preclampia and that can't be helped but aibu to be pissed off that exH is going to let down ds again because of this. I also know aibu to be upset about something so petty but I'm really worried that she will end up having the baby on ds' birthday and then forever more the new baby's birthday will be more important that ds to exH. Aibu? I probably am, I know sad

PS: The only reason I say supposedly ^ is that exH has form for making up incredible lies to get out of things he doesn't want to do, he told his work once that I had had a miscarrige because he didn't want to go to work and needed an excuse angry , so it's not that I disbelieve her I'm just not sure I trust him if you see what I mean. Not that it really matters I suppose in that the end result is the same!

AlwaysHopeful1 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:47:20

Yanbu, he's a pathetic excuse for a father. He can't spare an hour or two for his son's birthday how horrible.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Tue 02-Feb-16 17:49:55

Y might BU but I would feel exactly the same way.

I think I would feel that my dc were the most important things to me and wouldn't really give a hoot about my exHs new baby, only how it impacted on my children.

flowers for you op, I have no idea if you are U or not, but I get how you feel.

Veritat Tue 02-Feb-16 17:52:52

If his girlfriend is in hospital, she's there to rest, and he doesn't need to be at her bedside all day every day. He could easily take two or three hours out to come to the birthday party.

Bailey101 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:54:54

It's a couple of hours! Why on earth can't he come and keep his mobile to hand in case he's needed at the hospital. He sounds like a selfish dick who needs to get over himself.

kslatts Tue 02-Feb-16 17:57:13

Unless she is in labour and he is likely to miss the birth then I really don't see why he can't still come to the party.

YoungGirlGrowingOld Tue 02-Feb-16 17:57:21

No YANBU. He should spend a couple of hours with his DS on his birthday and the gf should insist he does so (if she was a half decent human being.) They sound like a pair of assholes who deserve each other.

Babyroobs Tue 02-Feb-16 18:01:03

yANBU - unless his gf is actually in labour, there is no reason why he cannot come to the party.

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 02-Feb-16 18:02:57

God, the way people talk on here, about people they don't even know, is awful! Seriously! That's not aimed at you op. Tbh, I'm undecided about whether yabu or not.

Bailey101 Tue 02-Feb-16 18:05:33

PaulAnka anyone who lies about a miscarriage so they can skive off work deserves to get a good slagging off. Disgusting behaviour!

ScarlettDarling Tue 02-Feb-16 18:06:06

Is the party hours away from the hospital? If so, then I understand him not coming as he doesn't want to be too far away incase she goes into labour.

If it's nearby then yanbu...why on earth would he not be able to leave her bedside for a couple of hours?

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 02-Feb-16 18:19:31

It is a couple of hours away but he could still easily make the party for a few hours, especially if he left early in the morning. Tbh I'm almost 100% sure that he isn't patiently waiting by her bedside for her to go into labour anyway as she has 2 older DD's from a previous relationship so I imagine he is looking after them while she is in hospital.

He's working now also supposedly so I find it hard to believe that even if he isn't looking after her DD's that they would be happy for him to miss work for over a month just in case she goes into labour. Its ridiculous.

He hasn't seen our dc's since November, and even then that was only a visit to tell them about the baby. He didn't bother to get them any christmas presents and now because he isn't coming to the party, he isn't getting ds any birthday presents, just going to put money in my bank apparently angry.

The do indeed deserve each other, I can't believe she wants to reproduce with a man who treats his existing children so appallingly all of this is just the tip of the iceburg tbh

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 02-Feb-16 18:22:24

He has a history of lying and letting people down so you are not unreasonable to doubt what he says. I feel huge sympathy for you and your son but I'm sure you will give him an amazing birthday and party.

Maybe he has told his new GF that he is going to the party and is going somewhere else entirely?

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 02-Feb-16 18:27:06

I wouldn't put it past him Lost, he lied at new years and said that he couldn't see the dc's because he had to work, then his gf was posting pictures of them at a NYE party at a friend's house in the same town as us! So that was bullshit, he just didn't want to see them because obviously getting drunk with his mates was more important!

Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have cursed my poor children with such a dismal excuse for a father, I have put them through so much pain because of my bad choices sad

Viviennemary Tue 02-Feb-16 18:28:29

He should come to the party. It will only be a year or two before he gets fed up of his new baby and gf toys. It is so mean of him to do this when he hasn't seen your dS for ages. What's the point of having more children if you don't bother with the ones you've already got. Selfish swine.

Xmasbaby11 Tue 02-Feb-16 18:33:10

I was going to say yabu but he sounds like an awful father and not missing the party for a good reason.

So sorry op. Hope your son is ok.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Tue 02-Feb-16 18:40:32

Vivienne, my thought exactly. This was a 'surprise' baby but tbh its not that much of a surprise when you are having unprotected sex - they are both in their mid 30's and have 2 kids each already you would think they had figured out how it works by now! Personally I think he's just too selfish to care.

Thank you Lost and Xmas, I'm sure ds will have a great time regardless but he has a habit of pretending to be fine when he really isnt, he feels things very deeply and doesn't like to discuss things with me in case he upsets me.

CremeEggThief Tue 02-Feb-16 18:55:33

YANBU. What an awful excuse for a father.angry

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Tue 02-Feb-16 18:56:15

Yanbu to be annoyed as it sounds like he's full of excuses

You might be unreasonable about this particular case but tbh you can FEEL however you want, yanbu to feel the way you feel but ywbu (in this case) to act on that

lostinmiddlemarch Tue 02-Feb-16 18:58:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable to think he should be able to attend the party for an hour, depending on how far away the hospital is and how unwell the gf is. I've had friends who have been kicking their heels in hospital for weeks with this condition, perfectly fine for the meantime but there to be monitored. No doubt it's very boring but it doesn't need 24/7 supervision from your ex if this is the case for her.

But going on what you've said, he's just not a very good man, and possibly doesn't care enough to be there anyway.

We all take a bit of a risk when we get involved with someone. I'm sure you had no way of knowing he would turn out this dreadful.

MrsS1980 Tue 02-Feb-16 19:03:18

He does sound like an idiot, however it was DSD's birthday the weekend I had DD. I would have been devastated if DH had missed the birth to go to her birthday party.

NotnowNigel Tue 02-Feb-16 19:04:41

Pre-eclampsia is a slow burn thing in this context - there's no reason he couldn't spare a few hours to see his son his birthday.

But he doesn't want to, does he?

Your poor son, in for a childhood of being let down by his father. Very damaging to his self-esteem. In my opinion he'd be better off breaking all contact.

YA Definitely NBU

Akire Tue 02-Feb-16 19:08:48

He's just using it as an excuse if he really cared about his son he would least pop over.
You would think given he's going have less time very soon he made the extra effort. Sorry for your son but sounds well rid. You would think since new girlfriend is expecting she would make him go!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 02-Feb-16 19:09:16

I grew up with my dad flitting in and out of my life, making promises he couldn't keep and letting me down. I was always confused; my mum made no secret of hating my dad but when I saw him, I didn't see what my mum saw, I saw my dad.
I never told my mum how I felt because (like your son) I didn't want to upset her. As I got older, things became clearer for me and I was able to see my dad for the person he was.
Please don't blame yourself for your x's behaviour. You can't change that but you can make your son happy and secure. Please try not to involve him in all the battles and dramas you have with your ex because I wished my mum never involved me!
If your son is thoughtful and considerate enough to be worried about upsetting you, he is clearly nothing like his father and is a credit to you.

marvik Tue 02-Feb-16 19:11:00

One of my friends had pre-eclampsia. This information below is from a website called Tommy's. (I think if I knew that my current partner was in this situation I might feel rather on edge and be unsure how to deal with juggling responsibilities.)


Severe pre-eclampsia

If mild pre-eclampsia progresses to more severe pre-eclampsia, you’ll need to be admitted to hospital. That way you’re in the right place if you need treatment and/or if the baby needs to be delivered.

Before birth

If necessary you’ll be given medication to control your blood pressure. You’ll be cared for by an experienced midwife, senior obstetrician and anaesthetist.

You may have the following tests:

Regular blood pressure checks: If you’re stable and are showing no symptoms, this will most likely be every four hours. However, if the pre-eclampsia is severe, this may be as often as every 15 minutes, and after you have stabilised, every half hour.
Daily urine tests to measure the level of protein present.
Blood tests: These will be taken to check your blood count, clotting, liver and kidney function.
Ultrasound scans: These scans will help your medical team to measure your baby’s growth and wellbeing.
Fetal heart monitoring: If pre-eclampsia is severe, you may have twice-weekly monitoring. While in labour, your baby’s heart rate will need to be monitored continuously.
Giving birth

If you develop pre-eclampsia in late pregnancy, it is common practice to induce the baby. The baby is usually delivered if the doctors can’t control your blood pressure, if the liver, kidney or clotting blood tests become very abnormal, or if the baby becomes distressed.

Most women with severe pre-eclampsia will need to be delivered within two weeks of being diagnosed of it.

The risk to your baby is small if he or she is born just a few weeks early. Pre-eclampsia is the cause of around 15 percent of induced premature births.

However, if you are less than 34 weeks, the decision between delivery or other treatment will depend on the severity of the pre-eclampsia (and its risks to you and the baby) versus the risk of being born prematurely to your baby.

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