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To feel a bit sorry for myself? Ill & rubbish friends

(16 Posts)
YodellingForJesus Tue 02-Feb-16 17:37:08

I have been signed off work since Christmas with a minor but debilitating condition. I can't do much so have been stuck at home most of the time. DH has been a star, but his way of showing love is by doing practical things (which has been wonderful, he's done lots of extra cooking, shopping, ferrying DC around with no complaints on top of a stressful full time job), but he's not a great talker, and he is not very demonstrative. That's fine, that's his way and I have friends for that kind of thing, or so I thought.

The thing is I feel a bit forgotten about by local work friends. I am not expecting champagne and flowers but a quick message or offer to pop round to keep me company for a bit would be nice. My workplace is only round the corner, so it's not like it's far. Friendsfrom far away have phoned up for a chat and messaged me , sometimes just a quick 'hi how are you?' but enough to feel that they are thinking of me. When these colleagues have needed a friend I have been there for them, we've known each other for years and I have helped them move house, celebrated weddings, birthdays, been a shoulder to cry on and so on. I just feel a bit sad that no one has thought to get in touch.

I suspect because I come over as calm and capable they don't realise I get fed up too. I know I am feeling fragile and extra sensitive at the moment which colours everything (have suffeed with depression over the years too) so are they being thoughtless or do I just need to get a grip?

Fleab1te Tue 02-Feb-16 17:48:33

Sorry you're having a hard time. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. We've had some people off at work recently and we had a collection for them, so we could send flowers and a card. We also keep in touch to just to see how they're doing. I think for a lot of people though, it's out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe they feel awkward and don't know what to say. I doubt it's deliberate. Maybe you could send a group text suggesting a meet up round yours for coffee, cake and a catch up.

YodellingForJesus Tue 02-Feb-16 18:53:23

Thanks, I am pretty sure it's not deliberate either. I think I am well-liked at work so I doubt it's a snub. It's more my self-pity really, and wondering why they seem to have forgotten about me, especially when I have been a good friend in the past and it's not fair! poor me!

acasualobserver Tue 02-Feb-16 19:04:06

Out of sight out of mind. You need to remind them that you're still alive.

OutWithTheDogs Tue 02-Feb-16 19:10:18

I think that you need to ask as I bet your friends think you are ok being looked after by you DH. I'd send some texts out saying that you are fed up and would love some visitors.

missymayhemsmum Tue 02-Feb-16 21:36:34

It depends- your colleagues might be politely not bothering you while you are ill, or they might be resenting the 'minor ailment', struggling to be sympathetic and fed up with carrying your workload.

Might be tactful to get in touch, say hi, ask their news, appreciate that your being off has an impact for your friends. Could you do some work from home? ,

YodellingForJesus Tue 02-Feb-16 22:08:58

fed up with carrying your workload

I hadn't seen it that way. I hope no one is thinking that, I have always been conscientious at work (not just saying that, it's come up in my appraisals) and have covered for colleagues when they've been off. It's not possible to work from home: my condition is minor in that there's no danger to life and I should recover eventually, but it is debilitating enough to stop me doing everyday activities that most people take for granted.

A group message could be the way to go, though I feel I have become a bit of a hermit and lost confidence. It's frightening how easy it is to withdraw when something ike this hits.

Fleab1te Tue 02-Feb-16 22:26:14

I though that previous comment was a little harsh. I'm sure that's not what they're thinking unless you have form for free loading. It's most likely that they feel uncomfortable, want to give you space, don't know what to say to you, or assume you don't want visitors. Seriously, be brave, send them a text saying you miss them all, that you're bored and could do with a catch up if anyone fancies it. Good luck.

ilovesooty Tue 02-Feb-16 22:32:27

There's no way you should feel that you should work from home if you're certified as unfit for work.

Your confidence and self esteem takes a bit of a battering when you feel invisible.

I hope you feel confident enough to send a group message and I hope your friends are in touch soon.

Sunbeam1112 Tue 02-Feb-16 22:46:49

Work collagues aren't necessarily friends regardless if you attended weddings they tend to people you just work with. Its not a slight on you but people get busy with work and their own families.

ilovesooty Tue 02-Feb-16 22:49:02

The OP indicated they're a bit more than work colleagues whose weddings she attended.

HPsauciness Tue 02-Feb-16 22:59:41

I think if you are well enough for guests you may need to spell this out for them, because they may assume that you are unable to have anyone over, or not even think about coming round as you are now 'out of work' for this time period. If you would like a bit more support, or anyone to pop round, I think you will have to let them know it's ok to come round!

Jollyphonics Tue 02-Feb-16 23:22:06

I just typed a long reply and then the stupid iPad shut down and I lost it. I'm too tired to type it again.

But to summarise - my colleagues and I are shattered due to covering for an absent colleague on sick leave since September. Apparently she, like you, is feeling neglected, and unhappy that we haven't been in touch, beyond the initial Get Well Soon card. She has an injury from which she will make a full recovery soon.

I'm working longer hours as a result of her absence, and seeing my own family less. So I certainly don't feel like spending more time away from them so I can visit her! We're not friends, although we work closely together.

Through my exhaustion, I can't help feeling resentful that she's relaxing in front of daytime TV while I'm on my knees with fatigue. I know that's unfair, but I can't help how I feel. That's what overwork does to you.

Fleab1te Wed 03-Feb-16 19:33:31

I'm guessing you work in a school jollyphonics. Maybe you should take it up with management if you're feeling pushed to the limit. Yes it is unfair to resent someone who probably already feels terrible and can't wait to be able to do the things that everyone else takes for granted, including work. I'm a TA and we have people off which does put extra pressure on others. But we're pretty much used to being run ragged anyway, as that's par for the course these days.

YodellingForJesus Wed 03-Feb-16 21:32:08

Thanks for your thoughts. I messaged my boss to ask how things are going, and she said they are managing alright. Luckily it's a quiet time at work, and there are a few 'spare' members of staff on hand because of the temporary closure of another department building for emergency maintenance, so there's no shortage of staff to cover. I see your point about the difference between colleagues and friends, but there are least two or three I'd class as proper friends. We've been there for years and we have socialised and confided in each other a lot during that time.

I am sorry for those who are over-stretched for whatever reason. It's unfair on everyone if there aren't enough members of staff to cover. Thanks fleab1te for making that point about the unfairness of being resentful at anyone for being ill. It's been very unpleasant and I'd much rather be at work. I actually miss it, and my colleagues!

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit cheerier today, another (non) work friend took me out for a short outing which made such a difference. It stopped the self pity for one thing.

Fleab1te Wed 03-Feb-16 21:38:22

No worries. Glad you're feeling a bit bettersmile

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