to have wanted DH to have not been so dismissive

[MoreSpudsPlease]

DSD had her 16th birthday party at our house. The rules were - no drugs, smoking or spirits, with DSD and her friends to help clear up. DH stayed in the house, I went away for the night with our toddler.

I come back the next day, everything's cleaned up (mostly by DH), DSD is cleaning up after one of her friends who was sick and also spilt beer on her sister's mattress (they aren't supposed to take food/drink upstairs but regularly do). I asked DH what the consequence was going to be for DSD (other than swapping mattresses with her sister and cleaning up), he said it's done, what else is he supposed to do.
A couple of days later I find a nos canister. I ask DH about it, he says yes, he found them doing nos in the house so shoo'ed them outside. He also caught someone drinking spirits, and that he closed the party down early (but 4 hrs after the nos and spirits discovery and only because of the noise). He doesn't think there is anything more to be said to DSD as 'no one died or ended up in hospital'. And 'yes, talk to DSD about the nos'. Er no, how about you do that? I know that Nos isn't the end of the world but AIBU to be cross with DH? It could have been the toddler that found the nos canister, and I doubt the other parents are so chilled about the nos/drinking. Am I just being a bit old and stuffy about this? I know kids push boundaries, I'm not surprised by their behaviour, but I expect DH to be less dismissive.

[MoreSpudsPlease]

Sorry. That was long.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

He's a wet blanket wannabe Disney dad. Ridiculous.

[FetchezLaVache]

What are nos??

[Wolfiefan]

He's trying to be their friend and a cool dad. If rules are set you need to do your best to enforce them.

[JessicasRabbit]

Nos are dangerous.

www.talktofrank.com/drug/nitrous-oxide

You need DH to realise that it is your home too, and if you both agree ground rules (such as no spirits) then any / all children in the house must abide by them.

[FetchezLaVache]

Jesus- that'd have been it for me- party over, everyone sent home! YANBU.

[MoreSpudsPlease]

It's so good to know I'm not being over the top. The question is how I tackle it now. And it's occurred to me that DSDs mum probably doesn't know she's regularly using nos (am guessing this is standard for DSDs parties). I'll be banning the next sleep over at our house, that's for sure.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Nos?!?

[Duckdeamon]

The spillage / sick was to be expected and by-the-by. Even the spirits perhaps, unless everyone was drinking them!

DH is being a prat and needs to take drugs seriously.

If you get on OK with DsD's mum I would tell her about the nitrous oxide.

[theycallmemellojello]

Meh - I don't really see why there should be "consequences" for DSD that one of her mates drank too much beer and threw up. That's a bit harsh to me.

As for the spirits and the nitrous oxide, did you make clear before the party that she would be punished if any of the guests brought spirits or took drugs? If not, I think it's harsh punishing her for it now. I wouldn't hold a party on condition I would be held accountable for all the behaviour of the guests, and she might not have chosen to have the party either if she had known that was the deal. She may well have passed on the no drugs, no spirits rule to the guests: personally I wouldn't punish unless I was sure that it was her personally who had broken the rule or allowed others to break it.

[MoreSpudsPlease]

I did expect someone to throw up. I expected things to get broken, and for someone to break the rules, but I expected DH to deal with it a bit more robustly. Taking booze up to their rooms was a no-no, and DSD and I had a conversation beforehand about whether she trusted her friends and what to do if they were not being responsible. DH saw her taking nos. I think he just thought it was tame compared to what he got up to when he was young.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Loosen up? Nitrous oxide is very dangerous.

But of course OP, as a step mother, you will always be wrong to some people.

[Veterinari]

My parents were incredibly lax/permissive.
There's still no way I'd have had spirits and drugs in a house party as a teenager - it shows a complete lack of respect. You discussed the rules clearly with her. She broke them. Your DH is supporting her disrespect by not challenging it

[VimFuego101]

At 16 I would have expected alcohol and vomit, tbh. But the Nos is another issue and I agree her mother needs to be aware, and that DH needs to put a punishment in place.

[ohtheholidays]

Fucking hell OP does your dozy husband know that some young people have died inhaling that crap!

Do you know who bought it to your house?If you do I'd be contacting they're parents and if you think your DSD is using it then you need to ring her Mum now and tell her!
Ignore your husband and get him to bloody read up on what has happened to some poor familys.
Does he really want to run the risk of his Daughter being one of those kids that has a severe reaction and dies and what if one of the kids at the party had had a severe reaction and died he'd be being bloody investigated by the Police right now.

I worked with SS and my DH is a Police Officer,if we'd found out that that shit was being passed around amongst any teens that we know we'd go through the bloody roof.I lost friends when we were still young teenagers to drug use.One of them was only 13 and it was the first time and it was something lots of the other teenagers had done and had been fine,she died instantly there was nothing anyone could have done.

[SalemSaberhagen]

Loosen up blonde? They took drugs in her house! What planet are you on?!

[claraschu]

The reality is that if you have a large group of 16 year olds at a party some of them are going to get drunk and break rules. You can block off bedrooms and set up a space that is fairly indestructible for them. You can not expect a 16 year old girl to enforce rules on a large group of people. Maybe your DH has more experience parenting teens than you do.

[claraschu]

I would focus on prohibiting drugs, and be realistic about the other things.

[Terribleknitter]

I think it's odd that he thinks what happened is tame compared to his exploits at age - if I find out that any of mine had got up to half the things I did as a teen I'd ground them till they moved out...
You don't sound like the step mum from hell at all, you sound like you have a damn sight more sense than he does.
YANBU, spilling drinks and vomit can be expected I suppose but there's been enough coverage of the damage that nos can cause - maybe getting her to read a few decent articles on the Internet could educate her a bit?
He needs to toughen up.

[JohnLuther]

Ah blonde the poster who never reads anything.

Your DH needs to take finding drugs seriously.

[ghostyslovesheep]

Blond you sound like someone in need of some quick substance misuse education you only seem to post goady comments on threads - are you a PBP?

OP he needs to be much firmer regarding the NO - the rest is par for the course

[pinkyredrose]

blonde are you just round talking shite on threads? Get a hobby maybe? OP YANBU.

[pinkyredrose]

Ha lots of X posts!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh hell OP what a nightmare. FWIW I really don't think you're overreacting about the speirits of the drugs or the blatent disregard of the boundaries you'd set (ny your DSD and your DH)

You don't, however, know that your DSD is a "regular user" so don't get too carried away.

As for blond, yeah, whatever.