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(14 Posts)
Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 16:18:37


I split up with dcs dad 3 years ago due to numerous arguments about him not pulling his weight with the dcs, he subsequently cheated on me and is now living with the ow.

There have been some good and bad times since the split but we are still having the same arguments as he is not fully focused on helping with the dcs I have tried everything in my power to get him involved but his friends and gf always come first.

It all came to a head just before Christmas and we have been nc since then, he came round to my house yesterday and says he wants me to give him another chance as he does want to be a dad 😏 I'm honestly sceptical about the whole thing as I've heard it all before.

he'll go a couple of weeks sticking to an arrangement then will just drop the kids when it doesn't please his gf as she doesn't like him spending time with them at my house. I've really had enough of the constant let downs lies and drama it is effecting both mine and dcs lives so much that I am constantly on edge and don't want to say anything to him incase there's another argument.

So would you continue to go nc or give it another try.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 01-Feb-16 16:21:17

First - all arrangements must be arranged- no dropping in.

Second do not tell kids the arrangements so they are not disappointed

Third - his kids - his house - he collects and returns t set times -

Then keep a diary -

ollieplimsoles Mon 01-Feb-16 16:22:52

gf as she doesn't like him spending time with them at my house.

Theres your answer.

That shows how much he cares about his kids right there, she comes first.

My dad put the ow first over us for 8 years- our relationship never recovered. Why put them through it?

NoahVale Mon 01-Feb-16 16:25:58

can you go to mediation, via CAB?

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 16:33:19

He won't do mediation I've suggested that.

There is nowhere for him to have them at his house that's why he comes to mine, he either collects them and takes them park.

His suggestion was to make a rota type of arrangement so that everyone knows where they are but I don't want the dcs knowing about it and them being let down when he doesn't do what he's supposed to do.

kaymondo Mon 01-Feb-16 16:35:17

Why is he seeing the children at your house rather than picking up and taking them to his?

I agree with PP that you need to agree arrangements for contact and then he has to commit to them - but that may be easier if he has more freedom over where contact takes place.

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 16:36:21

What do you mean more freedom? kay

NoahVale Mon 01-Feb-16 16:50:51

there must be somewhere he can have them in his house, surely he doesnt live in a shoe box?

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 16:58:36

He lives in a room in a shared house with his gf.

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 16:59:13

I'm not allowed to go there so I don't know what size it is I'm just going off what he's told me.

BlueJug Mon 01-Feb-16 17:10:43

What's best for the kids? Seeing dad at home or feeling pushed out to the park? ( Nice on some days but in Winter>?). Not great for you I know but it is the kids that are important.

Do all you can to maintain contact - it is not a game between you and Ex or a competition between you and you and OW. It's about the dc seeing their dad.

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 17:22:54

blue trust me I know it's not a game that's why I've tried my hardest to maintain contact and have allowed him to see them at my house even if it makes me uncomfortable.

He doesn't ever take the initiative to take them anywhere else they've never been on a day trip with him unless I suggest he comes with us, he literally is just interested in himself.

kaymondo Mon 01-Feb-16 18:09:31

Bigfish, I cross posted with you - I meant more freedom in terms of taking the children out rather than seeing them at yours, but then you posted to say that he did take them to the park etc, and couldn't take them to his so ignore my comment!

Bigfishlittlefishtwoeggsinabox Mon 01-Feb-16 19:07:48

Ahh ok that's fine, I thought you meant more freedom to do what he wants with them which he has, but he rarely takes advantage of it.

I've always been easy with contact, in the way he can see and call them when he wants as well as having some sort of structure, which is good for all of us.

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