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conversation with DH

(55 Posts)
MrsDeathOfRats Mon 01-Feb-16 15:45:54

So, I just got a parking ticket. (No signs, been parking there for years and the actual ticket is gone, just a yellow bag on my car! but that's another story)

Anyway, I called DH, because it's OUR car, that we split all the costs for and because he's my DH.
At one point during the call I was talking and H just kept repeating the same thing over me talking. I got frustrated and said 'oh sorry! Excuse me for trying to finish my sentence!' In a bit of a pissy tone (he has IMMENSE form for talking over me)
He said 'I wasn't you were cutting off'
Me 'oh well I didn't know that'
And we ended the call.

About 10 mins later we are both arriving home at exactly the same time.
He parked and I was walking over with the buggy.
Him 'what is wrong with you?'
Me 'nothing is wrong with me'
And we discussed the ticket but he is clearly pissed off.
We have been having struggles together and lots of nit picking arguments. He has a short temper. I have a low bullshit threshold.

Me 'it doesn't help us move on from an 'incident' if your first words to me are always accusatory and aggressive'
Him 'I wasn't. Something is wrong with you. Maybe it's the ticket but your not normal'
Me 'yes I was, I was fine but then you spoke to me like that without even bothering to say hello. Just straight in aggressively'
Him 'you were the one screaming at me on the phone over nothing. You should be apologising but now your starting a fight'
Me 'I didn't scream at you'
Him 'you were screaming cos u didn't know my phone was cutting out and u got a ticket and now, as usual, you want to take everything out on me'

It has escalated into a proper argument.
Me saying that he didn't need to speak to me that way and this whole argument could have been avoided if he had simply said hello and asked why I was upset rather then saying something is wrong with me in such a 'this is all your fault' manner.
He also called me crazy, and also the added in 'AS USUAL, you just want to take it out on me'

This isn't normal is it? It's like he is saying all the things that he feels about himself.

abbieanders Mon 01-Feb-16 15:49:22

To be honest, to an outsider, it sounds a bit six of one.

araiba Mon 01-Feb-16 15:50:13

apologise and move on

BlueMoonRising Mon 01-Feb-16 15:54:02

You both need to start listening and stop reacting.

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 01-Feb-16 15:55:43

I did apologise, but it's a sticking point as we are supposed to be working at our communication and being more communicative, not less.

We agreed to stop the snide remarks and he agreed to be less aggressive and accusatory. But this just makes me feel like we're back at square one.

He didn't get much sleep last night - his choice he gets up at 3.30 and didn't go to bed til 10.45.
He has had a long day at work.
But it's the stand off between us. Despite me apologising for 'my' misunderstanding. (There was no misunderstanding on his part).

And now he has turned it into a argument about the payment of said ticket. Saying that it is 'my' ticket and he won't be paying towards it. Meaning it won't be coming from the house hold money. It will have to come from 'my allowance' (SAHM)

Seeline Mon 01-Feb-16 15:55:49

You sound like a pair of 6 yo kids hmm
I'd send you both to your rooms for half an hour, then expect an apology, and then behave properly.

araiba Mon 01-Feb-16 15:57:56

of course you should pay for it

abbieanders Mon 01-Feb-16 16:01:28

Meaning it won't be coming from the house hold money. It will have to come from 'my allowance' (SAHM)

You should not have an allowance separate from household money. This is why you feel he's the boss and are so touchy, isn't it? I recommend your next fight should be about how you're both going to divide responsibility for your home when you get back to work.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 01-Feb-16 16:01:55

I'm currently single, but on the one occasion I got a parking ticket, I paid for it out of my own pocket. I wouldn't have even considered expecting or asking my other half to pay half of it, nor would she if it was the other way around. You speed, you pay. You park badly, you pay.

I always find it odd when some MNetters think if you are married or in a partnership, everything should be combined. Yeah - it my partner committed a fraud and went to prison, I'll serve half their sentence for them wink

Penfold007 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:02:00

Which one of you has the short temper?

OohMavis Mon 01-Feb-16 16:02:24

He has a short temper. I have a low bullshit threshold.

Sorry but it sounds to me your low bullshit threshold is code for 'I also have a short temper'.

I think you were in the wrong here, sorry.

StarlingMurmuration Mon 01-Feb-16 16:04:51

He has a short temper. I have a low bullshit threshold.

I bet he'd say exactly the same thing! It does sound like six of one and half a dozen of the other, both of you being touchy because the other one is snappy.

But even if you did get the ticket by parking somewhere silly, I think it's harsh to say it has to come out of your allowance. I backed my car into our neighbours' car before Christmas and though it was mostly my fault (DP had left his car sticking out and I was avoiding it, went too far in the other direction), the repair costs will just come out of joint savings.

araiba Mon 01-Feb-16 16:07:44

irregular verbs

i have a low bullshit threshold
you have a short temper
he is a raging psychopath

etc etc

OohMavis Mon 01-Feb-16 16:08:11

I don't think yabu about having to pay though. You're a SAHM, which means you don't earn an income. It needs to come out of family money.

Why do you keep the finances separate, by the way? How much 'allowance' does your H give himself? hmm

araiba Mon 01-Feb-16 16:09:43

* I backed my car into our neighbours' car before Christmas and though it was mostly my fault*

you drove in to a stationary vehicle- apart from yourself, who else do you think was at fault for this???

araiba Mon 01-Feb-16 16:15:40

also "allowance" is such a pejorative term

as a family we have an income of £1000. £800 of that is family money for bills, house, car, kids etc

we then each have an "allowance" of £100 to spend on what we like, guilt free- hobbies, nights out etc

This seems entirely reasonable

and the parking fine should come out of your £100

*numbers are an example only

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 01-Feb-16 16:19:55

Ok, sounds like I was unreasonable for being upset by him attacking me instead of holding back his temper and speaking to me nicely.

For the record I never asked him to pay. I fully expected to pay for it myself. He was he one who informed me I would have to pay for it from my allowance (1/6 the size of his cos it's his reward for working so hard).

I have to pay for anything I want personally out of this, and my half of the car tax/insurance as well.

middlings Mon 01-Feb-16 16:20:44

You're both tired and you're both being a bit silly

and are you me and me your DH

Seriously. You should have heard the conversation in our kitchen last night (please note the date) about DH's tax return.

As trite as it sounds, I've started asking myself periodically "Is this conversation adding constructively to our marriage?" and if the answer is no, I cut it off although at times am tempted to cut something else off.

Also, remember this cliché, "In a marriage, if you're wrong, say so. And if you're right, shut up."

I'm sure some will say LTB - and words and phrases like "crazy" and "not normal" are NOT ok, but you're both being pains in the arse (in the nicest possible way, and said as someone who has very similar arguments).

sparechange Mon 01-Feb-16 16:21:47

You should not have an allowance separate from household money.

What is wrong with having a separate pot of money to spend on non-family things? Every couple I can think of in our group of friends has this, including us

OP, you both sound as bad as each other. You should nip this in the bud before it becomes a bigger problem in your relationship

middlings Mon 01-Feb-16 16:21:57

*him my DH I meant obviously.

Seriously, come to dinner. The four of us can have the same style arguments all evening.

The cutting me off is MADDENING!

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 01-Feb-16 16:23:06

FGS. The stuff people have to consult MN about sometimes baffles me.

You're both as bad as each other. DH and I occasionally have convos like this, where we both just get the wrong end of the stick and get a bit pissy with each other. It happens, it's part of being married. You both apologise and move on.

Katenka Mon 01-Feb-16 16:24:28

I can't help wonder if this is one of these threads where the OP is going slowly drip feed information until someone says her relationship is abusiv even.

You don't sound happy OP, you don't sound like you actually like each other.

JapanNextYear Mon 01-Feb-16 16:25:14

Had exactly the same thing last week.

It was seemingly about the laptop, but it was really about the fact that I didn't feel he was communicating with me and he didn't feel he was getting any sympathy from me as he's having a crap time at work and not feeling well.

We kind of got over it by going for a night out!

But maybe that's the thing - what's it really about and sort that out.

MrsDeathOfRats Mon 01-Feb-16 16:27:16

I didn't intend to drop feed. I felt I had put everything relative to the situation in the op.

The issue I have is the fact that we are working at our relationship and one of the major major issues is our poor communication and his anger/aggression/accusatory nature.

You see, it is all my fault! If I hadn't parked there (we have BOTH been parking there for years) then I wouldn't have got the ticket, which meant I wouldn't have 'screamed' at him for taking over me which means we wouldn't be having this fight.
My fault.
I don't feel this is conducive or acceptable in a marriage.

43percentburnt Mon 01-Feb-16 16:28:28

Why do you have 1/6th of what he has?

Why does he have more spending money?

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