To take my own food to PIL's?(85 Posts)
I'm doing slimming world and have been getting on really well. PIL live about an hour and a half drive away so we usually go and see them of a weekend with DS and will stay the night.
MIL ALWAYS cooks. I offer to help and she says she doesn't need help. DH didn't cook a thing until he moved out to uni because he was never allowed. I've never realised it before but the things she cooks, whilst they are nice and I am very grateful, are full of things that I should be cutting back on or substituting for something else. She cooks with butter, even the vegetables are covered in butter. We were supposed to meet DH's friend on Saturday after staying over Friday but he was late and we ended up having breakfast and lunch there. Which was a greasy fry up and then curry and rice, the fry up she'd made as I was getting ready and the curry was out of a jar. She tried to give me cake at every opportunity and I politely said no thank you but she made me feel guilty because she'd bought it just for us. She kept on putting out biscuits and cakes and cookies. She also only drinks really sugary drinks and I don't really like drinking water, it needs juice in or flavour! I've told her I'm eating healthier but she just keeps saying that DS needs a role model who doesn't deprive themselves. She can be quite controlling at times too.
I would never expect her to cook according to my specific needs. When eating the curry DH mentioned a slimming world one that I had cooked the previous week and how nice it was. FiL asked about it and I said "Why don't I cook it for us next week when we come? That way you can both spend more time with DS and we can be useful in the kitchen." This was met with an awkward silence and then MIL laughed and said "I don't think so, dear." I asked why not and she said FIL and DH prefer her cooking. DH stood up for me and said that he loves my cooking and that I only want to help. She then said that FIL needs real food and she has to cook that for him. I just said that we do cook real food at home and it was their loss of they didn't want to try it. DH was really embarrassed about it but I just told him not to worry. FIL asked later on, maybe just to be nice, about other meals that I've cooked. I showed him some on the slimming world website and said I would let him borrow a book of mine. He works away three days during the week and lives in another house so would be able to cook for himself.
Next weekend we're staying on the Saturday night. We've planned to get there later on and skip dinner with them but would it be really rude of me to take my own cereal and fruit to snack on and maybe a frozen meal that I'd made for lunch?
Yeah it may be. Can you not save up your sins and maybe just eat half of what she gives you?
Actually I would take the cereal and fruit but not the meal.
Are you really going every weekend? If so, start going once a month, take your own breakfast and lunch if required, and eat smaller portions of what she cooks!
Is she slim or fat?
I strongly suspect that MIL will take it very badly if you bring your own food. Her status as family cook is clearly very important to her and she will be insulted if you don't choose her food. Think of ways you can adapt what she will be doing e.g. could you have toast with a couple of rashers of bacon or a boiled egg rather than the full fry up? If she does a Sunday roast then skip the potatoes perhaps.
I thought the meal might be a bit too far, thanks Gamer. I use my syns for a nice treat like sweets, a chocolate bar or glass of wine which helps me through the week. If I had to save them up I don't think I'd be able to stick to the plan.
I think you should bring your own food and just firmly state it's because you're on a diet. If she refuses to understand that, there's nothing else you can do except visit less often.
I think I would be a bit concerned about how she's feeding your DS though, if he stays most weekends.
The odd weekend here and there, being spoiled by granny's cooking would be fine with me, but I think I'd worry a bit if he stays that often.
We go every weekend so that they can see DS. With FIL's working pattern the weekend is the best chance to see him. My parents see him during the week. I was thinking about inviting them here the weekend after next.
She cooks but doesn't ask what anybody wants. Like with the fry up, I came down stairs and she was just putting it out. If there is any food left she makes a bit of a fuss about it. I used to suffer with an eating disorder long before I met her and DH told her about it and she used to tell me she was going to have to force feed me and would make a huge deal if I didn't eat everything on the plate!
It's kind of rude to suggest you cook dinner in someone elses home. You can bring your own food, but its how you go about it that matters.
I take my own breakfast, coffee and milk to PILs. They bring their own chocolate, biscuits, beer here. We're all fine with it. No-one cares.
Wouldn't dream of thinking I might be allowed to cook in MIL's kitchen though. Pigs would fly first!
Thanks Worra, I take food that I've prepared already for DS. Should have stated that in my first post. He is ten months and we have followed baby led weaning but MIL has a freezer drawer full of strange mashed concoctions that she made up from a baby recipe book. I just freeze our leftovers and give them to him along with a spoon or two or the sweet potato, carrot and pear mash she puts out.
Inviting them to yours would be a good compromise I think.
That way they still get to see you all.
Oh sorry, I don't know why I assumed he was older
My suggestion was more of a way to help out and let MIL spend more time with DS. She cooks for about an hour and then does all the washing up herself. Never accepts any help.
My friend came over for dinner last week and she took over in the kitchen while I fed DS and I wasn't offended or didn't find it rude, just helpful. My BIL is a really fussy eater, nearly forty and has never had rice or pasta or grapes amongst other things. He always brings something else when they come over just to save me making something else for him. I'm never offended by this.
I wouldn't be offended either but then I've always been easy come - easy go about food.
Your MIL obviously isn't, so I can see why she'd find another woman pottering around in her kitchen, providing food for her men an absolutely traumatic experience
Invite them to yours. Cook your food. Enjoy your life
Her attitude to your eating disorder was/is vile. You are currently taking control of your eating in a careful and sensible way. You do not need her attitude, manipulation and sabotage.
If she doesn't respect you now then how is she going to respect you in terms of your child?
Oh. And bloody good on your DH for standing up for you.
Taking fruit and cereal sounds fine but offering to cook would appear rude to me - it's too invasive of someone else's space and too critical of their cooking.
Surely she can't think that having high levels of sugar are a good example to set your ds?
I peronally wouldn't be offended
indeed I'd be well chuffed but, as a rule - and particularly as you've described your MiL, I do think it would be rude to take your own main meal, tbh.
However, you could speak to her in the week (before she does her shopping) and say that it's important to you to eat healthily at the moment so not do allow for you to have a cooked breakfast or any cake as you wouldn't be able to eat either and wouldn't want it to go to waste, so were letting her know before you catered, and then take your own cereal / fruit.
I don't think so, dear.
FIL and DH prefer her cooking.
FIL needs real food
I'd take my own food out of spite just for those comments.
Do you get to spend any weekends doing other things you may want to do as a family, away from them?
Mine were weaned on sweet potato, carrot and pear mush but at 10 months they were on toast and broccoli. She needs to move on from the mush.
I think it would be quite rude of you to take your own food tbh, but OTOH she sounds very domineering. Could you ask for just some eggs and bacon in advance, or eggs on toast, and a half portion of lunch? If she serves you up more, leave the excess - you have warned her.
If you don't want her teaching your DS to clear his plate, you will have to have the battle with her over leaving food at some point. May as well get it over with.
I think you are a saint to put up with it. I'd be cutting visits or inviting to yours I think.
It sounds like she is from a different generation like my dad, where you had to eat everything on your plate and cant leave the table before you have etc etc.
I have just started SW. I went to mums for dinner yesterday and she had done roast chicken. That was fine, but the roast potatoes had been cooked in vegetable oil, not much, but I found it really hard to syn it. I have asked her if she would mind just cooking me 3-4 separate potatoes in a dish on their own with fry lite and herbs, and she said that was fine, or else she would cook all the potatoes that way as both her and my dad need to lose weight too . but then she is supportive of me losing weight and my DM not my MIL.....
Could you ask MIL to boil you some new potatoes? if you take them with you? then maybe the only syns would be the gravy. and ask her if you could take some veg out before she puts the butter in the dishes?
you can get those little squash bottles that you can carry around with you, they are a bit expensive, but you could have one in your bag to add a splash of flavour?
I don't see why you shouldn't take your own fruit and your own cereal. You are not criticizing her food, just wanting to eat something slightly different.
I found it very odd when FIL's girlfriend insisted she cooked all our meals when they came to stay when she was on slimming world I wouldn't say I was offended, just found it a bit OTT. (and the food was rank, I don't know how she made such lovely ingredients taste so horrible!)
I've joined slimming world since and I understand why now, you really have to follow the plan to expect to see a loss, but I still don't think I could ask to commandeer someone's kitchen to make sure the food was ok for me. I'd have to take my own if I wasn't willing to cheat or syn as much as I could. It's the least offensive option.
She sounds very set in her ways.
forgot to say, you will probably want to cut your visits as DS grows up, as he will have parties and clubs etc and you will not want to or be able to go there every weekend.
we used to visit XMIL every weekend as I felt sorry for her, but it wasn't so easy as DD got older
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